`the beautiful disaster

November 30, 2004

I just realized that talk is cheap and GOOD. Haha. Truly the best things in life are free. Damn, I'm getting so cliched here. But really. Besides it's the time of the year where I reflect and regret. Haha. I do regret stuff, though I always say I never ever regretted anything in my life. Lols. Had a long long talk with my life support team last night :)) You guys are wonderful, don't know what I'd do without you next year, with everyone gone.

Kel, Bry, Dan, Ker and recently Ed!! This is for us eh? The days of drinking and dancing the night away, in hopes to forget the shit going on in our lives, are OVER. Those days are gone!! I'm sick of it. Yes, we forget it for that one night, but we wake up the next morning with too much alcohol in our system and a bitch of a hangover. Then we feel stupid. It's the same with smoking and cutting myself. I enjoy the smoking and the pain. Then I feel like an idiot, cause I hafta cover up the smoke smell and the scars. Besides, with us scattered all over the world, I can't imagine drinking and dancing without you guys. Lols. But that's beside the point.

I believe we've all had a really bad year for a reason. To force us to grow up yea guys? We've pretty much grown more mature and closer as a group. I'm so thankful for the fact that we stuck by each other. Past the differences and the little quirks we hate about each other, we're tighter today than we were the beginning of the year. And it's really you guys who I can't bear to see leave. Man, our phone bills are gonna be so massive I'm telling ya. Lols. The point is that I love you guys so much! And I'm so thankful for you guys. Though we have our fights and what nots, we're still tight and we will be for years to come yea? Love ya'll.

Anyways, I'll be off to Kuantan tomorrow for 5 days. HM!! I'm really sorry I haven't spent enough time with you guys. Especially with Kel, Ker and Ed leaving in Jan/Feb! But believe me, whatever time we spend together is gonna be quality time aiights? That I promise you guys! I still have a ton of stuff to type. Reflections and all. But I guess the time's not right yet. I'll be back to update in 5 days. Take care everyone!

To my life support team, thanks for the support. And I believe 'I'll Always Be Right There' by Michelle Branch's our song. Lols

Babyboy, you've been a darling. And I'm grateful for what you've done. But I really don't wanna hafta make a decision. Go listen to Pieces!! Really, she wrote that song for you. Lols

Ching, dear thank you for everything. Maybe for once I'll prove you wrong? Haha. But somehow I have a feeling that you're gonna prove me right once again. Lols. And if you do, it won't be 95% eh? It'll be like 99% or something.

"i don't want to be anything other than what i've been trying to be lately

all i have to do is think of me and i have peace of mind

i'm tired of looking round rooms wondering what i'm trying to do

or who i'm supposed to be i don't want to be anything other than me"

(i don't wanna be-gavin degraw)

"the ghost of you and me/when will it set me free/i hear the voices call/following footsteps down the hall/trying to save what's left/of my heart and soul"

(the ghost of you and me-bbmak)

Yeap, I'm in the process of soundtracking my life. Anyone wants one?

+..all cried out..+ . [10:34 AM ]
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November 29, 2004

I'm ready to start shipping Chlex again. It's gonna take abit of patience and work. Working on a banner and vid now. Ker's requesting for a smutty piece, but I kinda need help. I kinda wanna ship Brooke and Lucas (OTH), Seth and Summer (OC). Lols. I might post some stuff up here but they're probably gonna be on the shippers and sites. Will update about them in abit. Cheers~

+..all cried out..+ . [5:10 PM ]
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Tough decision. I don't even know what to base it on. On one hand, I see where my parents are coming from and I know they care. I know that I should respect and honor them. But yet, that means living the life they've come to "plan" for me. And I don't wanna do that. I have aspirations and dreams to, contrary to what people think.

I'm not as detached as I thought I was. I fooled myself into thinking that if I didn't care about people's feelings and just hardened my heart, my life would be better. You're right, this is a coward's way out. But you know what, being brave means loving a shadow. Being brave means being alone. And I don't wanna be alone. I want someone to care for me. To baby me. And since *he can't do that, I'm searching for substitutes.

Just came back from town. Kino-ed with Dad. Bought like 300 bucks worth of books -faints- I haven't bought books in months. Dad was like laughing at me, saying that I would never finish everything :\ I got this book on psych! Man, it rocks. And I just realized that my interests lie in things and subjects that are not practical in Singapore at all. Psych, Political Science, Sociology. My dad thinks I'm nuts. I think I am too. But at least that's more interesting than numbers, figures, and what not. Oh wells. I've postponed my decision to March.

./Spinning :: Thinking Over - Dana Glover

+..all cried out..+ . [4:16 PM ]
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November 28, 2004

Now that I'm back, I don't really wanna be. The familiar sights and sounds, they bring back tons of memories. Walking down the streets, I feel this sense of nostalgia that I haven't felt in years. It brought smiles and yet alot of heartache. Was talking to Ching and Rl yesterday about certain decisions I'm supposed to make. Just realized how unsure about stuff I really am.

Met up with Ker to catch up. Oh her hugs just make my day. Thanks babe. I love ya! And yes, everyone's right. I need to make a decision. To stay or to leave. Baby, I've been brutally honest with you and I sometimes wonder if it's better to lie. And as much as I appreciate everything baby, I'm still hesitant. I don't know. Please make this easier for me?

Can't wait for HM. I need a fresh touch. And I'm expecting so much at HM. One thing's for sure, I believe and I know that I won't be disappointed. That's all I can say for now

Btw Za, if you're reading this, THANKS BABE! I finally have a good Rock station to listen to! You rock!

+..all cried out..+ . [10:57 PM ]
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I'm back! Got in at 12am yesterday. Shall blog more in a bit. Gonna go to church now. How I miss that place and everyone there!!

Ching:: I LOVE YOU girl! Thanks for yesterday :))

Rl:: Ya ya. Thanks to you too! For meeting me yesterday. Don't say I bully you again. Lols

+..all cried out..+ . [9:43 AM ]
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November 25, 2004

Za says I'm a loser and I'm dumb. Lols. And I agree with the loser part. I happen to think I'm smart for holding back everything. Keeping everything to myself. This way, I'm not the one hurt :)) Anyways, everything's ok now. Thanks Ker for waking up and for listening to me go on and on. And thank you for listening to a whole hour of 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' :\ And girlfriend, you mean SO much to me. I love you!

Thanks for yesterday baby :)) Thanks for wanting to hang on. I don't know if I can promise you anything. But I'm gonna treasure the time we spent together. It's been lovely, you've been lovely. From tomorrow on, everything will be more uncertain than it already is and I hope you can deal with it. Cause I know I can't do anything right now. Thank you for everything.

[[take it back, take it all back now/the things i gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips/i miss that now i can't try any harder than i do/all the reactions i gave, excuses i made for you/i'm broken in two

all the things left undiscovered/leave me waiting and left to wonder/i need you/yeah i need you/don't walk away/touch me now how i wanna feel something so real/please remind me my love/take me back/cause i'm so in love with what we were/i'm not breathing/i'm suffocating without you/do you feel it too?

when i'm in the dark and all alone/dreaming that you'll walk right through my door/it's there i know my heart is whole/there's a million reasons why i cry/hold my covers tight and close my eyes/cause i don't want to be alone

cause i can't fake and i can't hate/but it's my heart that's about to break/you're all i need i'm on my knees/watch me bleed/would you listen please/i give in i breathe out, i want you/there's no doubt/i freak out, i'm left out without you/i'm without/i cross out, i can't doubt, i cry out, i reach out/don't walk away, don't walk away, don't walk away, don't walk away]]

(undiscovered - ashlee simpson)

+..all cried out..+ . [2:46 AM ]
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November 24, 2004

Don't wanna think. You do what your heart tells you ok. Stop asking me if I'm willing to forget *him. Cause I don't know ok. Arh. And YOU!! STOP. Shut up. I don't wanna know

Going to the mall in abit. Last minute shopping. Going home in two days! Can't wait. One problem though, I don't really wanna. Cause that little island I call home holds too many memories. And I can bet anyone that the moment I touch down, I'd regret leaving here.

Christmas is coming. And I'm not looking forward to it one bit. In fact, I'm not looking forward to Dec. I hate decembers. I hate it! And both of you, if you've nothing better to say, shut up and leave me alone till the holidays are over ok. Fcuking annoying. Btw, don't ask me what I want for christmas. Right now, I want something that no one can give me. And the person who can, just refuses. So let's leave it.

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want *you for my own
More than *you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is *you

+..all cried out..+ . [1:24 AM ]
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November 23, 2004

I'm tired. I know I said I'd try my very best. I know I said we'll make it work. But I realized I can't. I don't have that strength. Or maybe I just don't wanna. It's been good while it lasted. And it's taking it's toll on me. I feel I'm living a lie when I'm with you. Notice how I never say iloveyou? Notice how I don't care what happens to you. I know I sound like a bitch right now. But, I just want what we had before. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe I just want the best of both worlds? Maybe not. I want *him to love me, like how I do love *him. And since that's not possible, I search for someone else's love. Is that wrong? But the problem is that I can't stop loving *him the way *he stopped loving me. So I hold on to some tiny, minute shred of hope and just keep taking from you. Is that wanting the best of both worlds? Drea, you said it is. But why is it? I'm really tired. I thought you could take my mind of *him. But I end up thinking of *him so much more. It isn't the plan. It isn't it isn't it isn't! I'm so tired of this.

The logical thing would be to leave so no one gets hurt. The pratical thing to do is for me to be alone. But I don't wanna be alone. I don't know if I love you. But I want your love. I want you to love me unconditionally. I just want someone to love me. Yet my mind says to go. To get over *him before any other. Or maybe I'm just meant to be alone. I hate my heart sometimes. Sometimes I just wanna rip it out and throw it into the ocean or something. Maybe then I wouldn't hurt.

-

Ching dearie. I know I haven't replied your mail. Cause I really don't know what to say. I'm kinda feeling really messed up right now. I thought I'd be happy with my decision. But there's certain things I'm unsure of now. We haven't been talking in a long time. But I just want you to know that you can always turn to me ok. We can pick up where we left of. I'm sure of that. I love you dear. Thanks for sticking with me throughout. You've been incredible and I really couldn't ask for more -hugs-

+..all cried out..+ . [3:51 AM ]
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November 22, 2004

So sick and tired of all the crap around me. I can't wait to go back. I'm really counting down so bad.

There's so much in me right now that's messing up my mind. But yet I can't pin point what it really is. It's like there but I don't know what it is. And I'm sick and tired of feeling like that. Stupid dreams of mine. Too good to be true. Stupid mindless rambling

WHAT SURPRISE?

+..all cried out..+ . [7:51 AM ]
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November 20, 2004

I'm so full! And I've got a major major headache. Waiting in line outside the restaurant reminded me of San Francisco. Lols. I'm so mad right now. There's this awesome song by State of Shock. It's called "If I Could" and the lyrics are so written for me to you BOTH! Really. But I can't find the full lyrics and I couldn't catch the rest! Shizer! I'mma go look for it now.

-

Sha, I know!! It's so damn annoying cause the Vondutch here is sooooo nice! I love the shirts and the caps! -sighs-

Anonymous : Whoa thanks! I never knew that. Did you like read up on it or something?

You : I guess

Drea : Yes I wanna move over!!

+..all cried out..+ . [2:35 PM ]
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November 19, 2004

I got firefox!! And AIM! Lols. I'm nuts! It's early and I've got a headache. I think I might just wanna go down and watch tv in a bit.

I just realized that I made a promise I might not be able to keep +sighs+ Why can't people just accept me the way I am, with all my baggage. I know I said I would but honestly, do I really want to, cause of this? Can I just say I wanna run away and forget all about this?

Oh I think I just jinxed something :\ I told Za :\ Anyways, I wanna go to HMV later. I have a million CDs to get and I'm broke. How great! And, you rock! Smallville 1-3 and the OC :)) I like! Can you find OTH? Hahha. Okay, I know they don't have it on DVD yet :'( Alrights, you have a great class k. Call me when you get out +kissses+

+..all cried out..+ . [1:08 AM ]
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November 18, 2004

This is so annoying. I see so many nice Von Dutch shirts, caps and bags here. But I CAN'T buy them. I repeat, I can't buy any. And why is that? Cause there's so many fake Von Dutches in Singapore. And I can't possibly wear the shirts inside out to show the label and prove their real. I mean really +cries+ I really want the stuff and I want those white/blue DCs I saw. So cheap. I want. But I'm prolly never gonna wear em +cries+

And one problem. I just realized with my sudden attraction to dark eye makeup, I'm having a hard time getting it all off +sighs+ I don't know. It's been a punk/goth/emo look lately. Bahs, I'm just boring people here now. But for memory's sake. Of the phases I'm going through. Yeaps.

When I'm angry, you listen/Make me happy, its your mission/And you won't stop till I'm there./Fall, sometimes I fall so fast/When I hit that bottom crash/You're all I have/Ohhhh/It seems like I can finally/Rest my head on something real/I like the way that feels/Ohhhh/It's as if you know me better/Than I ever knew myself/I love how you can tell/All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me/How do you know?/Everything I'm about to say/Am I that obvious?/And if it's written on my face/I hope it never goes away/Yea

*That's to you :)) Thank you! The day will come, I will getover*him. Just gimme time. We will get there yes :)) Remember my fox sweater +kisses+

+..all cried out..+ . [8:34 AM ]
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Got woken up at 5 plus am by Amy my CGL. She thought it was 9am. Lols. I was like mumbling and I don't even remember what I said. So Amy, if you're reading this right now, I'm so sorry.

Anyways, OTH last night was fabulous! It was awesome I'm telling you. But I can't believe Haley's gonna kiss Chris next week. Arh! I'm so mad. And Luke and Brooke should've just made out on that beach. Lols. Sorry guys! OTH's a good show. I'mma go search for DVDs now. Now, I don't wanna leave this place cause of the awesome tv shows. Smallville was awesome last night. Lana would actually make a good witch. Lols. Tonight's Jack and Bobby's gonna be good. What else. Oh yeah, The OC tomorrow. Hahah. I'm like the tv guide now. I know I can't stop rambling about the tv shows :\ I think I shall shut up now

-

Rach : Hmms. Messed up! How's yours? Meet up soon yes?

Sam : Uhm, I shall not reveal anything as yet. Don't wanna jinx anything /:

Benji : Ok la ok la. Bought something for you already la. Don't complain and work HARD!

Babyboy, right. I settled it. Ain't 5 bucks a pop. Best deal I could get was 50bucks for 6-7. I'm getting that. So you bring back the rest for our Christmas party k?

+..all cried out..+ . [1:43 AM ]
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November 17, 2004

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT ::
Hey babyboy, you call my cell when you see this ok? Please tell me your dumbass room mate didn't trip on the frigging wire again. And anyways, I need to ask you about the stuff :\ Za says she can get them at 5 bucks a pop. I think I'm getting the pink girl and playboy bunny one. Lols. But I need you to help me think of ways to carry em back. The best I could come up with was hiding em in Advils. Or in a stuffed toy. I think I'm only getting like a max of 10 anyways. So HELP! Call me you bugger. ASAP when you see this. Laters

+..all cried out..+ . [6:13 AM ]
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I'm so touched by the MSN messages, smses and emails. Thanks for the support and encouragement. You guys will know my decision soon ok. I kinda have decided but until the parents okay everything, I won't jinx it. Lols. Love ya'll

Once I ran to you (I ran)

Now I'll run from you

This tainted love you've given

I gave you all a ~~boy~~ girl could give you

Take my tears and that's not nearly all

Oh...tainted love

Tainted love

+..all cried out..+ . [1:49 AM ]
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November 16, 2004

I just wanna say a big THANK YOU to everyone who called, sms-ed, mailed or tagged (in this case, Sam). Thanks guys for your advice and comments. I have thought alot about it and have more or less decided. Before everything can be confirmed though, I gotta get back and talk to my dad about it.

A harsh mail from my dad really woke me up and got me thinking.
"I cannot but have to agree with her [my mother] about the lack of discipline on your part AND even with so much home support (Finances,laundry & ironing,food &shopping for groceries & cleaning of your bedroom and the living area called house and other stuff.),youstill fumble and have so much problems. AND all the above you'll have to cope with yourself if you are on your own,as well as study. So, with this insight,YOU and only YOUwill have to decide what you want to do for your FUTURE. You will have to decide whether you want toparty & have a good time for 4 years in Australia &then SUFFER for the rest of your life OR you want toWORK HARD for a degree & "party only a little bit,notsacrificing your studies" & come home with a degree &have a reasonably "GOOD" rest of your life." He really has a knack for making me feel bad and guilty -sighs-

I happen to think this is kinda funny though :\ "Also,in the meantime, DO SHOWSOME RESPONSIBILITY so that we, as parents are quitesure that you are able to take care of yourself & notbe an "UNWED MOTHER", a drug addict,an alcoholic ortake part in motorbike or motorcar races & get killedfor nothing or maimed for LIFE just to be part of thescene or just for some thrills." Lols.

It's weird. Now that I have a chance to go, I don't really wanna. Main thing is that I've been to attached to the whole church life that I have here, I don't wanna go and search and try to fit in there. Finally I've got a CG, serving in a ministry and everything else. I don't wanna give that all up! -sighs- Never really thought leaving was gonna be this hard :\ Oh wells. Everything will be confirmed when I get back

Anyways I just wanna say that I love you girls so much! 3-wayed with Drea and Heather last night. It was nice. Just to talk. Cali sounds nice girls but I'm pretty sure my dad won't lemme go there. Unless he makes up with that aunt of mine in Cali :\ And Ker. You are amazing you know that? I seriously dunno what I'm gonna do without you when you leave. And BryanKoh. Thanks my babybro! I think I've kinda made up my mind. And yes you'll be the first to know. My stupid babyboy wants me to go over to Berkeley with him. So we can travel during summer. As if I'm that smart :\ And to everyone else who cared, THANK YA'LL. Love all loads

+..all cried out..+ . [4:09 AM ]
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November 14, 2004

This has just made me realize how fortunate I am to have such parents. Never thought I'd come to say this but yes. My parents are really nice and yes, I realized I am pampered :\ Dad called this morning. Asked about my results and I was like crying and saying that I really don't wanna do BFS anymore. And he was like 'ok. You take the 2 more weeks you have left to think over what you wanna do. And don't worry too much. And just have fun there. We will sort it all out. Call if you need anything else and if you need money. Remember to have fun.' Okay, I know they're merely words. Oh wells. I don't know. I compare myself to my cousins and I realize I am fortunate. I am blessed with a great family. And I've been complaining about how much they piss me off. When I've probably disappointed, frustrated and pissed them off countless more times :\ I really thank God for such a nice dad. As for my mom. I haven't warmed up to her as yet! Sometimes I just don't get her. Oh wells.

I really don't know what I'm gonna do. Right now, I have 4 options.

Stay in Singapore and switch courses (Mass comms)/Do private
Continue doing BFS
Trinity/Taylors (Melb)
High school (Canada)

Comments anyone? Its funny. Now that I've actually got a chance to go overseas, I'm reluctant. I'm always letting my emotions get the better of me. I should be practical this time round and set my priorities right. But somehow, I just don't feel like leaving everything and everyone. Yes, a part of me wants to run away from this all. But another part says stay on and be brave -sighs- I should actually stop all this thinking and just pray for guidance and trust that He will lead me!

i don't know what's worth fighting for/or why i have to scream/but now i have some clarity/to show you what i mean/i don't know how i got this way/i'll never be alright/so I'm breaking the habit

+..all cried out..+ . [5:24 AM ]
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November 13, 2004

Who says I'm on the road to self destruction? I'm merely on the road called denial. And I'm happy with my life right now, cause I'm over him. And I'm a total convert yes. I love the whole FWB situation. It is perfect. So ~~Marilyn Fong~~ you can keep your comments to yourself. Let me live my life the way I want it to. And don't bother interfering cause you'll only make things worse. Thank you very much!!

-

Val : Hey hun! I miss you sooo much too. I really can't wait to come back. And I don't care. I demand a date. You must make time for me or else I'll whine like crazy. Haha. I'm mad la huh :\ See, the effect of missing you so much? Lols. Btw I'm arriving at 12am so I think dropping you an sms when I get home is better yea? Love ya so much. Will be seeing you soon +hugs+

Ter : Heya dude!! I'm sorry I hafta leave the class and leave someone like you. Thanks so much for getting me through this whole sem. I don't know what would've happened if not for you! You're truly a great friend yea? Anyways, I got you something already la, so don't worry! Haha. I'll prolly be seeing you soon. Anyways, NP isn't that big so we can always find a place to meet or something ((: Take care dude +hugs+

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused

+..all cried out..+ . [1:04 AM ]
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November 12, 2004

Got results. Repeating two modules. Hoping that parents will finally get how much I hate and suck at studying here and finally send me overseas. Not in the mood!

+..all cried out..+ . [10:17 AM ]
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November 11, 2004

Seesh I just read a blog. I'm gonna say that I'm not pissed but in reality I am. I'm so fcuking pissed now. What in the world?? You don't know the whole freaking story so don't go 'round declaring war on me. You wanna, that's fine with me. But get your facts right you stupid hoe. Yeah, so what if I'm being a big slut by doing this. It's my own personal decision. So you're telling me you're really INNOCENT as compared to me. Seesh! You know what you've done and everyone knows you've been around. Hell, I'm not playing ok. I'm just distancing myself emotionally and you call that being slutty? Well if that's being slutty, then I don't know what you are. Please fill in the blanks. Ha. I get it. You never liked me but you never had the chance to slam me. And now, cause of this stupid fwb issue, you twist my words around and throw it back in my face? FINE! Go on and tell everyone what a slut I am. I'm sure people who know whats going on and people who're mature enough to deal with the whole fwb issue would laugh in your face. Go on! I don't give a shit because a game's a game. And rules were set. Whoever breaks the rules pays. I didn't break the rules. I don't care. Don't make this harder than it already is. And if you really want him back, go through him. Don't think dissing me's gonna get you him. Cause I know him well enough. And if it's really true whatever he told me about breaking the rules, then you don't stand a chance in hell!

To my babyboy. I'm so sorry I know I said I wouldn't fight it out with her. But she pushed the wrong buttons. But thanks for standing up for me all the way over there! Honey, you're sweet. So so sweet and I miss you so much. I wanna give you a big huge hug and kiss right now :)) And you!! Hurry back. I don't care about your school. Skip it and come back with me? Lols. I'm crapping. But I really appreciate what you've done. And I gotta say you totally deserve what I promised you :)) -smooches-

+..all cried out..+ . [5:08 AM ]
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Time Check : 10.35am (Wednesday, Nov10)

I'm happy with what we have. Why must we take it one step further? We have everything we ever wanted. Physical attraction and all without all the mess. Without the emotional tanglements. So why try for something else and risk ruining what we've got? Isn't this just beautiful the way it is? No pain, no tears

I don't care if anyone thinks I'm a slut. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm selfish. I'm just protecting myself here. Falling in love is against the rules of this game. And you've broken the rules. I really don't care if I don't ever put my heart out ever. Cause that one heartbreak is enough to put me off relationships forever! Don't tell me I can't judge by that one failed relationship. Cause I gave it my all and more. I put my whole heart into it and what did I get back? I got my a broken heart with pieces gone. Pieces *he's prolly thrown away. So please don't tell me to open myself up.

We have something beautiful right here. And I just don't wanna ruin it. Besides this is a good arrangement. We hook up when we feel like it and move away when we don't. Isn't it easier and fuss free? None of those promises and none of those i love yous. I like this. Yes, I've fully been converted. Now we stay like that or you leave. Harsh but that's just the way it works honey!

To my babyboy, thanks for standing up for me! -smooches- You are sweet you know that :)) And I promise you I won't say anything to her ok? So you can sleep easy babyboy! -showers with kisses-

Another note. I'm still searching for that fresh touch from God. I'm still searching for that one experience with Him that will change my life. I know I'm expecting something from Him during HM. I feel I'm expecting something but I don't know what. I guess Rachel (CG)'s right. Just pray and continue expecting

+..all cried out..+ . [2:22 AM ]
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November 08, 2004

Just a few shoutouts..

*Ker-

I sure hope it's the right thing to do. Oh wells, God will lead me that I believe. Thanks girlfriend for your talks and encouragement. Even though we're so far apart, you never ever fail to touch my heart. I don't know what I'm gonna do when you leave next year. So let's just enjoy the closeness we have when I get back okay? Love you so much. And did I mention I miss your hugs ALOT?

*Val-

What cute? MelNG says I look like fungi in it -cries- Yes I can and I will do it! Thanks for the encouragement sweetheart. And don't worry ok. Freedom's just around the corner. YOU CAN DO IT darling!! *loves

*Bryan-

You ass la you! I'm not stewPIT can -faints- I'm gonna murder you when I get back. YES I WILL! Arh! Stop pissing me off please. Lols

*Sha-

Thanks honey! You're such a sweetheart really. And I'm here for you too alrights? You've been so strong throughout. I wish I were that strong. Haha. You take care yea? *loves

*Ching-

Thanks dear for always being there. And for taking my whinings and what nots. I know I'm useless and you MIGHT just be right once again. But this time round, I'm gonna try ok? I promise you I'll try my very best. Thanks dear and I can't wait to go home and hang with you! *loves

And to my two bitches Drea and Heather(Plink) --

I love you!! Thanks for making this stupid trip bearable! Thanks for the hugs and kisses and the words of encouragement. Thanks for the assurances that I have friends who care so much and thanks for the LOVE! Yes, I don't have to sing 'Where Is The Love' anymore. Cause I've found it in my darlingg bitches!! Lols. Love ya'll so much!

Drea, you've been really amazing. Since you've moved away, we've gotten closer than we were before. The geographical distance can't stop our bond and love eh? You're such a great girl, you know that and you'll grow to be an even greater woman! You're such a blessing to those around you really. And your love for God is amazing. Keep praying for me honey :)) And I'm so glad that I have a sister in you. Love you so so much!

Heather! My smoking pal. Lols. Thanks babe. Haven't talked to you in ages yet we picked up where we left off. I thank God for modern technology. At least we were quite up to date! Did I tell you that you're looking good? Haha. Thanks darling for hanging with my over the weekend. And for making sure I'm ok. I don't know what else to say but I really appreciate you bitches and I love you so damn much!

Alrights, I should go off now. Cause the hotel's net connection's real expensive and it's kinda scary in here. It's like 7+ in the am and there's no one else around. Btw, it's a 24 hour business center. SO WHY AREN'T THERE BUSINESS PEOPLE AROUND? Bahs :\ I'm being a pain, cause in 4 hours, we're gonna be parting :'( I'm gonna miss them so much!

I wanna hold you in my arms

And make you fall for me once more

Though something inside tells me I can't

I can't trust myself any more

I'm just taking a longer time moving on.

+..all cried out..+ . [11:17 PM ]
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November 07, 2004

HUGS + long talks + coffee + cold air + cigarettes = happy me

Using the stupid comp at the hotel right now. Didn't being my lappy. And the stupid connection and whatnot is so expensive -faints- Shopped a lil downtown. But spent most of my time with my bitches, having coffee and talking. Swell! I miss them both so much. Those pretty sweethearts of mine :)) Didn't club cause the ID they got me was so pathetic. Haha. Oh wells, it's alright. I'd rather be catching up and lounging around :)) Well it WAS a happy me. Until I received an email from my mom -sighs-

Apparently, my folks are thinking of BANISHING me here to study grade 12! -cries- And yes, I use the word BANISH! -sighs- I know I wanna study overseas. But not here. Really. I mean no offence ZA! But I don't wanna live here. It's so stifling. No freedom!!! -cries-

AND!! The worse thing is... Aussie's time diff with Singapore's like a few hours. NOT 16 freaking hours! I can't survive waking up at 5am every morning to chat with my darlings. NOooo! I'm gonna cry if they send me here. Really. Then again, I wanna get outta poly! Arh! I know. It's hard to please me. But seriously, studying in Aussie's wayy better than here.

Aussie : Nearer. Cheaper. Funner. My friends are there
Canada : My relatives

Now. Compare that mom and dad! Urgh! Totally not happening at all. I'm so mad, or rather, upset right now -sighs- I need to talk to em BADLY! Think I'll call them tonight or something. Right now, I'm so desperate to go to Aussie that I'd even work for my tuition ok. That's how badly I wanna goooooooo! -sighs- I don't know. I just wanna cry right now!! -sighs- ABBA!!! Help force a way for me! -cries-

+..all cried out..+ . [5:48 AM ]
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November 04, 2004

This sounds so freaking dumb. Cause I should've been over *you so long ago. Like *you said, it's time to move on. Yes, it's time. But why does it hurt so much? I need my friends with me now. I need a hug badly. I need a shoulder to cry on. Talked to my friends on MSN. Everyone's happy with this decision of mine yet no one sees the tears. I wonder if this is best for me but since everyone's happy. I should listen for once. [[I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time]] But since *you wouldn't give me a chance, the only thing left for me to do is leave.

This seriously hurts. But I just gotta say it. I'm getting over *you. I don't even think *you read this. But if *you do. Yes, I'm getting over *you. Apparently saying I'm getting over *you hurts so much more than saying I love *you but *you don't love me back. And I wonder why. Really I do. And this time round, I'll stay strong. Not only for my friends and everyone who cares. But also for *you. I stupidly kept *your messages since that day. But I just read them. And yes, I'll take care of myself. And I wanna stay strong just to smile and say hi to *you IF we ever do meet again. I wanna stay strong so I can give you a genuine smile IF I do see *you. Seriously, I think I sound like a fucktard right now.

if ever i do see you again

just know that somewhere, deep inside my heart

i still do love you

but i gotta move on

i gotta let go

let go of the memories

let go of the pain

i wanna say that i'll be right here waiting

if you ever do wanna come back

but i know

no matter how many times i say it

you won't ever come back

so i shall just leave with words unsaid

i know you're so happy right now

i know your life is close to perfect

and i just pray that your life will be perfect

and that your perfect someone will love you

with the love that you deserve

that is - all the love in the world

as far as we're concerned

friends is the word

i want you as a dear friend

and i never wanna lose you again

i lost your love once

i never wanna lose you as a friend

as for the memories we've shared

kept locked up tight in a box

and the fate of that box remains unknown

one day i might open it

one day i might let go of it all

i don't know

what i know is that you've got a piece of my heart

forever

and i love you my dear friend

I don't know if *you're reading this. But whatever the case, these words are from my heart. I mean every single word I say. Through the tears and the pain, I searched my heart for the right words to describe how I feel. And this is the best I could come up with. They never could come close to what I feel. But I do hope they get my message across and I really hope *you see them.

+..all cried out..+ . [11:23 PM ]
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Time check: 5.20am (November 4, Thursday)

I just got my hair cut and colored yesterday. Oh my gosh. It's how cheap to do hair here can. I spent like what, 81 bucks after tax. Seesh. Doing it in Singapore would totally cost like wayyy more. Anywhos. I'm terribly homesick -whines- I miss ALL my darlings. Yes, you guys know who you are. And I miss YOU -faints- I miss your lame jokes and how I'd piss YOU off cause I'm sucha baby :P And surprisingly, I really miss arguing with YOU and flaring up. Lols. But guess what, I'm still mad at YOU. So don't bother calling ok :\ And I'm gonna sound like a bitch adding this here, but I LOVE *you! Bleah :

Bought eyeliner yesterday. Tons in every color imaginable. 1.99 each. Nice? Man I really love TV here. I've got the newest eps of my shows. The OC's on tonight. Just watched Smallville. And CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY in One Tree Hill!! -swoons- Oh and cable here rocks. I like!! I need to bring home the satelite dish -faints- I love One Tree Hill!! I gotta go search for DVDs

Isn't he so hot??

Oh my gosh. BEAUTIFUL cast!

I'm counting down. One more day till I see Drea and my baby girl Plink. Lols. Might not bring my lappy along. So I hafta see how much room I have in my luggage. Ohhh. Downtown's gonna be so fun. We're gonna have loooong chats over coffee with cigarettes. Dancing the night away with tons of booze and fags. Oh I like! Waiting for Friday. ONE more day!! I love you sweeties!

My new hair. I look spaz though -faints- Btw, I just took this pic 10 mins ago. The hair was nicer. But I just got outta bed :

[[i walk a lonely road/the only one that i have ever known/don't know where it goes/but it's home to me and i walk alone/i walk this empty street/on the boulevard of broken dreams/where the city sleeps/and i'm the only one and i walk alone/i walk alone/i walk alone/i walk alone/i walk a...

my shadows the only one that walks beside me. my shallow hearts the only thing that's beating. sometimes i wish someone out there will find me. till then I walk alone

i'm walking down the line/that divides me somewhere in my mind/on the border line of the edge/and where i walk alone/read between the lines/what's fucked up and everythings all right/check my vital signs to know i'm still alive/and i walk alone/i walk alone/i walk alone/i walk alone/i walk a...

i walk alone, i walk a.../i walk this empty street/on the boulevard of broken dreams/where the city sleeps/and i'm the only one and i walk a...]]

boulevard of broken dreams - green day

+..all cried out..+ . [9:19 PM ]
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November 02, 2004

Time check: 6am (Tuesday, Nov 2)

So that was a really nonsense post. MSN-ing with Ed now. The purple dinos. Green slippers. Sesame from the next street. Colored hugs. Bah :\ I miss my old self! Really. The lame, crappy ol me. The person who'd smile though she was crying inside. I want old me back! But I guess "I'm" never coming back again -sighs- Stupid Ed. Making me emo all a sudden! -slaps-

-

Noven :: What do you want?

Val :: I miss you too sweets!! Hmmms. It's really cold. It's below 10 degrees everyday. No snow yet. Probably when I get back, it'll snow :'( Can't wait to go home tooo. I miss my bed!

Cheryl :: Hey honey! You didn't screw up ok. By grace, you WILL do well. Have faith! Love ya +smucks+

i see your face with every punch i take

and every bone i break its all for you

and my worst pains are words i cannot say

still i will always fight on for you

[edit @ 8am] Okay I'm off to bed. Before that, I just wanna say I MISS EVERYONE! Especially you Ker. Uhm, actually I miss my eyecandy. I heard he's going for HM. Lols. Remember to check him out k Ker!! Lols. He's CUTE. And I don't care what you say. Love all. Bye [/edit]

+..all cried out..+ . [10:00 PM ]
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Isn't this guy so cute? Little boy cute. Alex is his name! But guess what, in Jesus' name, my son WILL be better looking than him :P

My cousin (in blue) with cheese strings. In her yearbook! It's gonna stick for life babe!! Cheesestrings woman!!! Lols. Btw, she's right next to me now. I'm surprised she hasn't whacked me yet :P I rock!! Lalalala. See everyone loves me. I'm uploading embarassing pics yet she loves meeeeeeee! -grins- Damn! So much for my stupid mouth/fingers. She just punched me :'(

+..all cried out..+ . [11:38 AM ]
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November 01, 2004

Alright, so I guess I'm KINDA sorry for the outburst just now? I don't know. I'm just upset. And I guess I'm taking it out on them? But really. What kinda stupid parents are they? Argh! I'm just rambling. I really miss *you. Haha. And I really wanna try once more? Madness. I don't know what I'm talking about.

Ker, I miss you darling. I'm dying without you. Hey, you help me check out my eye candy in NCC ok? Heh. I think he's cute la can! And!! There's still time... Go sign up for HM? Lols. I'm delirious. Freezing my butt off cause they just left the house and the dumb ass heater's down low -faints- My fingers are numb. It's only Nov 1 -dies- 24 more days!! I wanna go homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! -whines-

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

(But now *you seem so far away)

+..all cried out..+ . [11:58 PM ]
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Time check: 6.25am (Monday, Nov 1)

I think I'll die if this goes on. They have like tons of channels on Cable. And I watch alot of tv here. Sleep real late and I specially wake up at 6am every morning to talk to my sweethearts on MSN -sighs- Unfortunately, some people don't appreciate it :'( Oh wells. *Your loss! Ha. As if! Alright, I'm sorry, I know I'm not making sense. Real tired. Need......... sleep.

Was at my aunt's friend, Veronica's house. She's got an awesome house. Her two kids are real funny. Su-An and Calvin. I think she has another son Keith, but he was at a Halloween party yesterday or something. It was real lame though, last night's dinner. Cause they put up decos and my aunt and uncle got so pissed off. Like wtf! I got so upset. And like the bell kept ringing and trick or treaters kept coming. So like they got mad and decided to leave after dinner. I was like what's up with that. And Calvin was running down every 5 mins screaming "Don't go!" And I think Su-An's cute :\ Za almost died when I told her. Wells, I can't wait for this weekend. Meeting Drea and Plink downtown in Vancouver for the weekend! Oh how I love em

Oh and my uncle had the freaking nerve to go "I'm sorry for bringing you here. We shouldn't be partaking in this" Shooo! I wanna celebrate Halloween!! And who says Christians can't celebrate Halloween. Seriously, it's not like we go "Oh Hail satan!" -faints- They are just so lame! And he said my cousins sounded as if they were deprived the way they were going on and on about the trick or treaters. Well DUH! You deprive your poor kids of birthdays, christmases and other celebrations -faints- They can't even celebrate CNY -dies-

here and here

Argh! I'm so pissed with them! I wanna go home man! I can't take this any longer. They're almost like the Amish with tv and colored clothes -faints-

+..all cried out..+ . [10:21 PM ]
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Time check: 15.08pm (Sunday, Oct 31)

I always find it very funny how people can claim they're preaching the gospel when it doesn't even bring good news. Btw gospel = good news. Bleah :\ I don't know how I can this. Three more weeks of people slamming my church while I shut up. But I really thank God for His grace and guidance. That He can speaks to me even in a meeting like the one I went to. First time I went to a church and not felt God's presence at all :\ Bah

Anyways, I was at the mall awhile ago. The little kids were all dressed up for Halloween and stuff. So cute. Saw a few spideys, fairies, princesses, witches, jack-o lanterns, a winnie the pooh, a tigger. But I think the most creative one was this little boy. He was a hershey kiss! Lols. So cute. I would upload the pics but I forgot the USB cable and my lappy doesn't have a card slot :'( Btw, yesterday's pics of the shoe was taken with my phone. Bleah. I don't know how. Might buy an external card slot cause I don't have enough memory left on my cam :\ Shall see.

-

Sha :: I might get it. I don't know. It's nice right? So tempted. Lols

Sam :: Butt's almost all gone. Frozen away.

./Spinning :: End Of The Innocence - Eagles

+..all cried out..+ . [7:07 AM ]
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