`the beautiful disaster

August 31, 2004

I'm so darn tired right now. Mind's been on overdrive. From reopening past wounds to Drea this morning to thinking about what went wrong and everything else in between. I don't even use that much mind power for school. Why am I being so stubborn? Why am I holding on when he's gone? Okay, so I wanna let him go, let it all go. Throw the past away or at least lock it somewhere and bury it. But it's just TOO HARD! My eyes are swollen and hurting from crying since 2am last night till like now? And I'm spent. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

+..all cried out..+ . [11:35 PM ]
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August 29, 2004

I never fail to amaze myself with my stupidity and my crappy emotions. Was reading a letter or rather, a note from him when we were together. Started bawling all over again. Did you mean it when you wrote everything, or were they just sweet nothings? Falling sick again, and I feel myself spiralling into this stupid pit of depression, AGAIN!

+..all cried out..+ . [10:11 PM ]
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Thought I was over you. Looks like I'm not even close to getting over you. Memories evoke such great pain. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Disappointed those around me who care. I'm sorry people. The pain is just too hard to bear. I just had to do it, despite the promise.

+..all cried out..+ . [12:23 AM ]
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August 27, 2004

Econs paper yesterday. Seesh. Praise God for guidance man. Seeing I didn't study, I could actually remember key stuff from tutorials to answer most of the questions. Sighs. I do feel bad about not studying but I really haven't been in the mood. I so haven't been in the mood for school. Can't take this shit anymore. Supposed to be studying right now for CIP later but I'm on the phone now +sighs+

CHERYL'S OVER IT! Shall not cry anymore. Shall not think. OVER IT! Yeah, tell that to myself over and over again so that one day I might believe it! Why is it so hard to let go?

Things are so different now you're gone

I thought it'd be easy I was wrong

Val : Yeap yeap. Can't wait too. We'll confirm soon aiights? Meanwhile, take care! *love :)))

Ker : Thanks my girlfriend. Sorry haven't been in a talking mood lately. It's just getting to me. But you do understand yes? And we'll talk soon when ok, I promise. Till then, take care hon!

Drea : Uh huh. Time for a catch up cum bonding. Been ages. Too long. Soon aiights? When I feel better, or rather IF! Anyhoo, gonna call you sometime this week or next yes? Miss you too

Bryan : How could I not! By the way, you do know what happened. THINK!

Loneliness is such a sad affair, sad affair

And I can't hardly wait, baby,

To be with you again.

What to say,

To make you come again?

Come on back to me again,

I wanna be anywhere you are

+..all cried out..+ . [1:23 AM ]
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August 24, 2004

The sheer agony of living with parents who are against your religion, who tune out whenever you try to explain something to them. Of having a dad who goes on and on about how good your current poly course is when is it what HE wants and has always wanted but couldn't do. And you happen not to like it. Oh did I mention a mom who is annoyingly nodding her head away and smiling when you're getting lectured by your dad? Well, yes. And they happen to think it's funny asking if you wanna go overseas to study if you really don't like it here. And like 10 secs after the question is answered, they're like "well, you can only go after you FINISH your 3 years of poly". What great pleasure they take in watching your hopeful face fall. Yeaps, sadistic freaks they are. Oh the best thing is that your YOUNGER BROTHER gets to do anything he wants to, no questions asked. Tell me if it ain't bias.

Yes, if you haven't guessed. That's my warped family. Thank God I have a loving and wonderful Heavenly Father or I'd prolly haved killed myself by now +sighs+ Uh huh. All that nonsense on top of my emotionally distressed self. Oh, I feel like I'm gonna have a mental breakdown soon. I so wish that I would die now, get away from all the pain and crap and not be worried anymore, not cry anymore. I wanna go to my Daddy's side +cries+

+..all cried out..+ . [8:31 PM ]
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August 23, 2004

Okay NOVEN! You idiot. You asked me a stupid question what. And the only thing I remembered from sec 2 science was hot air rises and cold air sinks ok! +pouts+ You irritating worm! +slaps Noven+ Yes, I shall blog the dumb convo so the world can laugh

someone: why is it supposed to be hotter?
noven: hello? that is sec 2 science
someone: huh? you mean hot air rises, cold air sinks?
noven: HAHAHHAHAHA. yah so that means I feel warmer cause I'm taller than you?
someone: huh??! what talking you?
noven: HAHAHAHHAH (for like a million years)

Missing a certain someone like mad. Shite. And I just woke up! This is gonna be a long day. A relationship isn't 50%-50%. It's 100%-100%. True. If you're expecting 50%-50%, you'll always be waiting for the other person to measure up +sighs+ I guess there wasn't 100% coming from either one of us =\ See what I mean about thinking like mad. Thinking of what I didn't do, of what I did, what I said or didn't say. Oh shoot me someone! Btw, I just realized alcohol on open wounds suck. They make the wound heal so much faster. It's starting to scab now. And I just read somewhere that for some people, tatts are a kinda self mutilation =\ Gotta hide the article now. STUPID mag!

+..all cried out..+ . [1:08 PM ]
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August 22, 2004

I hate living my life the way people expect me to. How is it that another's decision affects your life this way? How is it that no matter how hard you try to fight for something you really want, it just goes further and further away? I'm tired. Really am. But somehow there's something in me that wakes me up the next morning, go through the whole routine of thinking of him and crying and feeling like crap. I'm tired of that.

There's tons and tons of questions that I have for him. I'm unsatisfied with the crap shit excuse he left me with. But I've tried too hard and I'm scared. Of another rejection. So I guess he'll never ever know how much I still do love him and how much he hurt me. Does oblivion make you happier?

Fuck! I don't know what else to do. I've tried ways and means to get over him. But I'm driving myself nuts thinking and thinking ever single minute. I want to move on. Simply because I know I longer have a place in his heart, or maybe I never ever had a place in his heart to begin with. I question so many things. And yet the answers will NEVER come. I don't wanna love someone who doesn't love me back, don't wanna love someone in silence. It hurts like fuck, not being able to express how you really feel.

alcohol + skin that's been freshly torn apart = escape from reality

+..all cried out..+ . [8:57 PM ]
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August 18, 2004

Tired. Been trying to study. But I can't seem to fit anything into my mind. Filled with thoughts of you. Been crying so hard. I don't wanna do this anymore. Sick and tired. Frustrated. I just wanna end it all right here and now. Can someone just kill me now?! I hate myself so much right now. I just wanna thank all my friends for the messages and phone calls. I'm sorry. I just am not in the mood for anything right now. Sorry I'm not there for you guys now. Thanks so much! I appreciate it all.

I thought it was over, baby.
We said our goodbyes.
But I can't go a day without your face going through my mind.
In fact, not a single minute passes without you in it.
Your voice, your touch.
Memories of your love are with me all of the time.

Let me let go, baby. Let me let go.
If this is for the best,
Why are you still in my heart,
Are you still in my soul?
Let me let go.

I talked to you the other day,
Oh looks like you made your escape.
You put us behind;
No matter how I try, I can't do the same.
Let me let go, baby won't you
Let me let go.

It just isn't right,
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road.
Let me let go

The lights of this strange city are shining,
But they don't hold no fascination for me.
I try to find the bright side baby,
But everywhere I look, everywhere I turn,
You're all I see.

Let me... Let me let go, baby won't you
Let me let go.
It just isn't right,
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road.
Oh let me let go, darlin', won't you?

I just gotta know
If this is for the best why are you still in my heart,
You're still in my soul
Let me let go, why don't you
Let me let go Let me let go.

+..all cried out..+ . [11:05 PM ]
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August 16, 2004

Paul, if you're reading this, THANK YOU! Thank you for letting me know that you've gone away so far. And yet I'm the idiot stuck here, holding on to those memories and the love that isn't there anymore. Thank you!

+..all cried out..+ . [10:25 PM ]
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August 15, 2004

Just back from dinner with my angel Ker. Man, it was a great catch up session. We had a very very good talk. And the most hilarious part was that we started planning our weddings right there at Cartel. Lols. We were like so undecided. First I wanted this wedding in a church in Europe. Then I wanted a beach wedding with the sunset. Haha. It was real fun and it proved that we were pathetic romantics at heart. She even drew out her dream wedding gown at the back of the order pad. Seesh. Oh the lame thing about it was when we started planning our FUNERALS. Haha. It was great fun :P

Here's a lil something for ALL my angels. All you guys who've been there for me, who've stuck with me though I was being a pain in the ass. Who've never given up on me. I love each and every single one of you. And I suppose you guys know who you are. Thank you for believing in me, for the shoulders I've cried on, for the hugs FOC. I appreciate and cherish all of you my angels.

And when I'm down you're there pushing me to the top.
You're always there giving me all you've got.
For a shield from the storm
For a friend, for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.

Yeap, I thank God that I can always turn to you guys! I thank God for each and every single one of you I can trust and call my friends, my angels. *love

+..all cried out..+ . [8:24 PM ]
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August 13, 2004

Man, I'm so darn tired. I need sleep. Haven't been sleeping these few days cause I've been pretty much stuck on my DVDs and phone. Lols. Ker and Bry have been taking turns irritating me. Those siblings are just too irritatingly lovable :P Emotions been stirred up alot.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

-

Jia<<< I so haven't disappeared please. But you can start carving my tombstone now. Thanks :))) I miss you so much please! Meet soon!! +hugs+

Sha<<< Yeap, it's a movie. A very sweet and touching movie! Yeah, I know. That feeling sucks. But you just wanna say something to him and somehow the words that come out are quite biting?? And you so wanna apologize for still loving him and all. Lols. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But I really cried so hard when I typed that out =\ *love

Val<<< Hey it was great to FINALLY get your message that day :P Anyways, we so gotta meet up real soon for our long overdue outing k? And cheer up hunny! There are still many other subjects. I know that feeling of disappointment but try to look beyond that k? Love ya hun!! +hugs+

Xue<<< Uh huh :))) Good movie with great screen captures! Love it! And when are we gonna have the long awaited bonding?? Soon please! +kisses+

-

Anyways, like I've said, emotions have been stirring these few days. But I've pretty much have gotten used to that feeling of missing him and holding back all my feelings for him. God has been giving me the strength and hope to carry on, even with that pathetic amount of faith that I have. Praise God and His goodness! Alrighty, gotta get off now. Gonna watch Dim Sum Dollies tonight

Through tears and joy, I'll trust in You!

+..all cried out..+ . [4:29 PM ]
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August 10, 2004

I've been reduced to a pathetic crying mess. Thanks to a certain Mr Nicholas Sparks :P Yes, the notebook, message in a bottle and a walk to remember. Haha. Somehow I read all three books and watch the notebook all in a period of 2 days. Yes call me a die hard romantic and a sucker for fluff. I'm proud of it. Lols. Kevin Kern in the background, caught up in the whole moment +sighs+ Only thing missing was someone holding me =\ Not just anyone but a certain someone!

Anyways, I so gotta start studying soon. Motivate me someone??

this scene is so nice

the sunset. oh how i just love scenes like this

the house! how unbelievably sweet of him

i so totally almost bawled here =

ah passionate! lols

i so love this picture! so damn frigging nice. awww

.//I kept asking myself what I really wanted in my life. And do you know what the answer was? The answer was that I wanted two things. First, I want you. I want us. I love you and I always have.

I so love this quote. And yes, I mean this so damn much! ILOVEYOU!

+..all cried out..+ . [10:42 PM ]
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August 08, 2004

Damn. I hate the stupid razor. I need a new one. Currently in the process of touching up his name. And the razor isn't cooperating. And NO! I'm not depressed. I just miss him thats all. And seeing there's nothing I can do about it. I can't call him and tell him that and all that kinda stuff. So FINE! I found another way. Not that it really helps. But temporal relief is better than none! +sighs+

we ran and are still running. thing is, we could choose to stop or continue. what now?

is there no more turning back for us?

loving you brought so much joy yet the pain was so much more.

Trying to raise the scars, but the blades too frigging blunt. Shall go look for another one. Bye

+..all cried out..+ . [8:54 PM ]
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August 07, 2004

Alrights this entry is for you Sha!

Girl, it sucks being broken hearted. I understand how you feel, really. And you just feel like crying everytime you think of him. And the worse thing is the memories don't make you smile, they just cause you more pain. But the stupid thing is that no matter what happens, no matter how tired you are, you WILL have the strength to wake up the next day and feel sucky. I guess the only thing you can do is believe that if you're really meant to be, you WILL be together again. The thing is that we will NEVER have the answers, we will NEVER understand why things had to happen the way they did. But just have faith that no matter what, there's ALWAYS a reason to why things happen. Like I said, we WILL never understand, so just pray for the strength to get through this. It might take a long time and it will hurt like crazy. You might never get over him but you gotta be strong and not disappoint the people who love you dear.

Honestly, I'm so not over him. But I'm really tired of crying and making people worried about me. So you gotta pick yourself up and just smile. It might be fake in the beginning but it gets easier. The problem with love is that it hurts so much when it has to end. Okay, I don't know what I'm talking about, SORRY. But you need to understand that he doesn't make you whole. You are whole on your own. He is there to support you, to love you and for you to love. Bottom line is, you need to live for yourself. Picking yourself up doesn't mean you don't love him anymore. Besides, I'm sure he doesn't want you to be crying and all. You can love him and still want him to be happy.

I know what I said isn't gonna make you feel any better. And all I can do is try to make you feel better and be there for you. You can always call me anytime. I'm always here for you hon! Whatever it is, just know that people care and love you! Take care sweets.

CHING! My dear girl, this entry is for you too! It might not be that relevant, but I just want you to know that I do LOVE YOU! Take care alrights? +hugs+

+..all cried out..+ . [11:20 PM ]
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Oh my goodness. I'm like so tired. Just got back from live recording at church. Man, it was so wonderful to see everyone coming together and just worshipping the Lord! The musicians are an annointed bunch man. Songs were ALL written by the music team. Beautiful songs.

Was supposed to sit at section 3 which was like right at the corner. So my brother and his friends sat behind me and Jas. But as it came to 7pm and the leaders in section 2 were not there yet, they opened up the second row and hence, me and Jas got like seats second row center. Praise God! :))) It's the closest I've ever been to the stage in the Rock man. Lols. Anyways, had a great time just worshipping Him man. Daddy really filled the place with His presence. I could like see Him smiling down on us man!

Okay, anyways, I'm so damn tired right now. Second service tomorrow. Hope I don't wake up late. Seeing I wanna finish reading "The Da Vinci Code" tonight :))

What do you do when love just isn't enough to keep you together? I guess the only way is to rest in God's grace and believe He will keep you together if you're meant to be. I'm just living life a day at a time, relying on the strength He gives me to get through each day and believing that He has a great plan for me!

+..all cried out..+ . [11:09 PM ]
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August 06, 2004

This feeling of awkwardness is getting to me. I can't seem to get out of my comfort zone. It's like I only feel safe in a certain environment and relationship and I don't ever wanna get out of that. I find it difficult to adjust to a new environment and feel comfortable. Like it's been 5, 6 weeks of school and I still do feel outta place. Weird but true. And it's like 3 months plus without Paul and I still feel lacking. It feels so different not to have someone by my side. Okay, I'm just weird I know.

I can't help but still miss you! You really mean so much to me. How am I ever gonna get over you? The feeling of not being able to tell you how I really feel sucks you know that?

xue*<<< Yes woman! So when are we gonna go out!? +whines+ It's been ages and I miss you tons can!

Ker<<<>I want to go! Heh. When are you gonna get your new cam? I wanna play! I wanna flood the cam with my face. Lols. I'm nuts. Yes. Oh I miss you sooo damn much. You better call me soon. I miss your lame wisecracks. Return ol' Ker! I'm not liking the new Ker one bit. Bah

Ching<<<>ARE people who care. Though you wish they were someone else, it doesn't stop them from caring. Holla if you need me ok?? *love

Into your hand
I commit again
All I am for You, Lord

You hold my world
In the palm of Your hand
And I'm Yours forever

Jesus I believe in You
Jesus I belong to You
You're the reason that I live
The reason that I sing with all I am

I'll walk with You wherever You go
Through tears and joy
I'll trust in You

And I will live in all of Your ways and
Your promises forever
I will worship
I will worship you forever

+..all cried out..+ . [12:18 AM ]
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August 03, 2004

Lynette is back! My goodness. I miss that girlfriend. Met her for a short while today at Gelare with Rik. Caught up a lil. Can't wait for our next big date. Ah. She's having so much fun in Sydney, I wanna go too! I miss her like crazy. And Rik has been such a great friend through it all, he's done more than I expected him to. If there are 2 friends who I really cherish, it's those 2. And don't worry, I cherish every single one of you guys. Lyn was really the one who got me through the stupid O's. Constantly crapping and making sure I wasn't too stressed out. Love that girl to bits!! Oh I can't wait for the big date on fri and you guys better not cancel on me. I need you guys!

Lynette<<>babeeeeeee +grins+ *note that I'm dragging on* Hah. My soul sista! You're literally my soul sista aiights. Born on the same day in the same year. Man. I'm so glad to have known you and yes I know, I still owe you that massage and present =X So stay longer so I can give you that massage +pouts+ You're leaving so soon! I just want you to know that you really brightened up my day today. You really brought so much joy to my stupid day. Thanks girl! You rock my world you know that. And I'm so glad we so totally like transcend the geographical distance. Ahhh. I just love you ok!

Anyways, long entry. Gonna scramble off now. Before I leave, I just wanna say that Pastor is right. I have no right to be feeling depressed and down cause I have my Jesus who loves me so much. I'm so thankful for that. And though I still miss Paul like crazy and still am upset, I shall no longer stay depressed. I rejoice in the great love that is being showered on me :)) Okay, shall bugger off now. Can't wait for live recording this sat at church. Gonna have a blast just worshipping my Daddy :)

And LYNETTE! I LOVE YOU!

+..all cried out..+ . [9:04 PM ]
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August 01, 2004

This change is so difficult. Have we gone from having it all to being strangers who can't hold a decent conversation for more than a minute?

Have been having the worst week ever. And God has used this week to lead me back to Him. Yes, I've strayed so far off, I've turned my back on my Daddy. I'm still feeling like shit. But the difference this time is that I know my Daddy is holding my hand, leading me out of this darkness.

SonicFest yesterday. When I saw Paul there, emotions ran wild. I couldn't take being in the same place as him, breathing that same air and not be able to tell him how I really felt. I hated myself for putting on that stupid mask, tapping him on the shoulder and with a smile on my face, said hi. I should've done what my heart wanted to do. I should've grabbed him and held him close, tell him that I still do love him so much. What in the world stopped me? I only decided to go because he told me he was going. Why didn't I make use of such an opportunity?! Paul, do you know how much it hurt to be standing so close to you yet not be able to tell you how I feel, to act that I'm okay and that I've moved on?? Would you ever know how much pain you put me through? Would you ever know that I STILL LOVE YOU!

+..all cried out..+ . [7:21 PM ]
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