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] June 30, 2004
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I know I don't need anyone to make me feel whole and complete, but somehow I can't go on without you. I can't go on living when my heart is still with you. I gave you that heart and I never got it back. I know there's no greater satisfaction than walking strong with God. Yet, I'm so unsatisfied with this right now.
Been living a life focusing on myself and not on God. But I just can't find it in me to let go and let God! I find myself worrying about every single thing. So much for 'let not your heart be troubled'. I have yet to accept that this is God's will for me, and that He will give me someone better! I know I have to accept this one day but right now, at this point of time, I still want you! I don't care if that someone else is a million times better. I DON'T CARE!
-
Enough of this crap. School started at 11. Stupid lecture lasted for about 40 mins, afterwhich we had a 3 hour break. Class decided to head down to HV for lunch. Came back for econs lecture where I was basically sleeping and smsing Noven. +sighs+ Thanks for smsing me man, I dunno what I'd have done. My course sucks big time. I'm so gonna flunk out. Great! Anyways, met Jas after school. Poor girl was in school practically the whole day. Took like 4 buses just to get home. My great idea. Take bus to HV, then town, then 16 then change again to get home. Seesh! See how delusional I am. When I could've taken 2 buses. Whatever. And now I'm home, sitting in fronta my comp, smsing Ker and crying my eyes out. Seems like EVERY single day has to end with me crying. Goodbye world!
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June 29, 2004
School was okay I suppose. Better than I expected. Bstats is BORING man! I mean it's stats for goodness's sake. Organizational Behaviour (OB) wasn't that bad. Though the lecturer was boring and she was just going on and on in a retarded voice. Well, it has to do with psychology so of course I didn't find it that bad. Roar! I kinda have no idea what I'm talking about
Met Bry in town for like 20 mins. Cause that idiot wanted to pass me my bday present as he would be in Bintan fri-sun! Lucky freak! Got 3 CDs from him -- Rasmus, Avril, Incubus. +grins+ He knows me too damn well man, GREAT album selection I must say Bry! Lols. Wenta meet my parents and bro after that at Millenia. Dad's birthday today. Dinner with them. So now, I'm like home and falling asleep in fronta the comp. I need sleep. Deprived greatly of sleep!
Okay, I shall shut up now seeing this entry has been the happiest in a long time. Don't wanna kill this.
-
Bry<< Hey dude! Thanks alot. You rock my world man!!
Ker<< I will try. Just that you should know me well enough dear
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June 28, 2004
Anyways, here's to all those having exams. ALL THE BEST! Have faith guys. You can do it!! Just remember you can slack off for awhile after that :)) Take care, will be praying for you guys! And if you're reading this, GO! MUG! Hahah. -hugs all-
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June 27, 2004
I don't know the right thing to do anymore. I'm tired of living like this. Of crying my eyes out everynight. For drowning my sorrows in what nots. For letting the devil take advantage of my weaknesses. I just trust that God will lead me a step at a time. I surrender everything to Him. Too tired to wanna carry this on my back. I can't. Only He can
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June 26, 2004
I will reply to comments another day. I'm too tired to think.
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I don't wanna think about you
Or think about me
Don't wanna figure this out
Don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothing
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June 25, 2004
Getting my new dcam like soon. Within the next two weeks, cause fickle me won't decide which model I want. Exlim or T1. Great! And my poly timetable's screwed too. I wanna cry! +sighs+ Why am I sounding so depressed? Oh and I'm getting my 2nd tatt next week. And some more clothes. What else? If you haven't noticed already, I'm blogging mindlessly. Tired, cranky, upset, irritated.
Missing you....
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June 23, 2004
June 22, 2004
In other words, yesterday! Okay, started off the day damn tired and lethargic. Then I went over to SRC for the FREE LP gig! Hahah. Okay, so we couldn't see them like up close. So what, people who payed like 85 frigging bucks and stood right behind had to look at the screens too. It felt like VH1 live man! My folks provided us (Ja, Glenn, my bro and me) with 5 jugs of beer! Seesh. For 4 people. Hahah. Circle seats man. Okay, I'm just rambling on. But LP rocks man! I was so glad I went. Was so tired and tempted to go home. But I decided to go for dinner cause I was hungry and I ended staying on. Lols. Btw, Ja's my cousin and Glenn's her friend with TONS of benefits. Ha
Rights end of yesterday. Can't put down in words all the weird emotions I went through. Ja's gonna lecture me again for still thinking +shrugs+ Whatever.
Had orientation today. Was pretty boring and I tell you, NP has NO ventilation at all! Seesh, Climbing 'hills' the whole day was no joke. And it was so freaking hot. On top of it, I take an hour and a half at least to get to school and I gotta get to school tomorrow by 9. Which means I hafta wake up at 6.30. And for someone who needs sleep, I should've been asleep 2 hours ago. +sighs+ Just hoping that my timetable isn't that screwed up, like my emotions. And that my lecturers are nice enough not to make me sleep +yawns+
Oh btw, I am finally going to the doctor tomorrow. Been putting off this visit for a long time. Have been having gastric so often. Even when I eat. I don't know if it's gastric or whatever but it sure feels like it. And yes, it's been bugging me for awhile now. A month? I've finally decided to go have it checked. Pray for me ok?
Grrr. I could murder myself man. Stupid irritating heart of mine. Can't it just stay at peace for 5 seconds?? I keep catching myself troubled and shit. But +screams+ It just WOULDN'T stay at peace. IRRITATED! Keep thinking and thinking and what not.
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
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June 21, 2004
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June 19, 2004
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June 18, 2004
It's almost a month. 2 days to a month since we broke up. And I'm tired of it all. I'm letting it all go. Tired of holding on. I'm letting it all go. I don't want to, but I'm sick of holding on to something that isn't there. I'm emotionally and mentally drained. I still love you and I always will but that will never be said anymore. You will always have a place in my heart and that's all there ever will be of it. You wanted me to get over you and move on. I shall give you what you want, I am over you! Whatever becomes of this, whether we're still friends or not lies on you. I'm tired, I can't be bothered anymore. Crying my last cry, saying my last ILOVEYOU... goodbye!
It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
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June 17, 2004
Bible study was good. Man, I miss it so much. I felt really renewed in a way I guess? There is this certain peace inside of me that could only come from God. And now that I'm home, though my mind is wandering to everything that has happened in my life, I'm glad that I have a loving Father who cares for me and has the greatest plan for me.
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June 16, 2004
I HATE YOU
Ya right. That will be the day man. Whatever! I shall go search for a life now. And leave you alone. So much for trying to put aside my feelings and be friends. WHATEVER. It's okay. Go and take ALL the fucking time in this fucked up world. I don't give a fuck anymore.
Got a letter from STUPID school asking me to go for BA orientation 23-25 july. Like wtf. I'm not spending 3 days before term starts in school for fuck's sake. And like I'm supposed to bring my student card there?? WHAT STUDENT CARD? Am I supposed to fucking collect it from the school or are they sending it over??! WTF! They don't bother to explain it in the damn letter. RIGHT. So I'm supposed to read their minds like I'm supposed to read everyone else's??
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm damn pissed off right now. A certain someone and pathetic NP. Sudden urge to run away to Aussie Land to be with my cousin. +sighs+ That urge to cut myself is back again. I'm trying to chase it away. Yes yes, WHATEVER. I mutilate myself and wtf la. I'm too pissed to think rationally. I'm still chasing it away. Shooing it away though it doesn't seem to be working. Hence, I'm typing to keep BOTH hands occupied. Whatever.
IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU... NOT
I hope my mom doesn't walk in on me now. I forgot to lock my room door and I'm happily fagging away in fronta the comp. I'm gonna be so screwed if she walks in. Not that I'm not screwed enough. FUCK la!
Hmmms, I'm trying to count the number or "fucks" I've used in this entry. Lame shit. Alright. I'mma fuck off now. Need another fag
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In You, Oh Lord
In You, my God
When there's no where to turn
And there's nothing that's true
I find my peace here in You
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Havea good mind to start writing again. I miss losing myself in the story, live in my own little world for that few hours. Maybe I should start writing again, for my own pleasure. I don't know. I can't think straight and my head hurts. I feel faint. +sighs+
Whatever. I wanna go away from all these. Just let me die and leave this pain here
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June 15, 2004
Strong urge to cut myself again. Miss the feel of the blade on my skin, the feel or warm liquid flowing outta the cut and the the feel of the scars. Sinking deeper into depression. I need God now more than ever! I need Him to help me fight the urge, to fight the depression! I don't wanna think no more. I'm sick and tired. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears (Psalm 39:12)
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June 14, 2004
Your overall intelligence quotient is the result of a scientifically-tested formula based on how many questions you answered correctly. But it's only part of what we learned about you from your answers on the test. We also determined the way you process information.
The way you think about things makes you a Linguistic Architect. This means you are brilliant when it comes to language and words. You are also very good at understanding things on an abstract level. You are at your best when you put those two skills together to communicate new ideas and see how they fit into different contexts. You understand math and science on a gut level, even if the equations and science don't come as easily. You can use these skills to be a great communicator or to create a masterpiece.
How did we determine that your thinking style is that of a Linguistic Architect? When we examined your test results further, we analyzed how you scored on 8 dimensions of intelligence: spatial, organizational, abstract reasoning, logical, mechanical, verbal, visual and numerical. The 3 dimensions you scored highest on combine to make you a Linguistic Architect. Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities.
You are a highly intelligent, complex person. You process all kinds of information easily, using the power of both your creative and analytic abilities. In any situation, you know how to extract the most valuable details and use them to understand the larger picture. Most people do not have your talent of being able to spot both numerical and visual patterns.
Seesh. How DUMB am I? It's so proven. Lols
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My only home was in your soul
I know that I cant stay here
And drown in a pool of tears
Should I pack my pride
And face this life alone
And this whole world seems cold and empty
Someone please turn on the lights
Lord if there's an angel you could send me
I could use one here tonight
Maybe it's me who's cold and empty
And in my darkness I cannot see the light
Please god if there's an angel
You could send me yea
Cause there's one missin from my life
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WHATEVER! I'm actually real tired seeing I didn't really get enough sleep yesterday but I'm staying up to watch England\France in Euro! I desperately wanna go to the pub outside my house. The atmosphere's gonna be great. Bah. I'm bored and irritated
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June 13, 2004
Why do I still love you? Why do I still miss you? Why do I still want you back in my life? Why am I bothering after you let me fall to the ground?? I don't get it. I never will. Let drown in my own suicide, my own tears.
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June 12, 2004
Okay, on to stuff. Yup, I've got tons to blog about. I'm just very upset right now. Alot of things have been running through my mind. Regrets about certain stuff and certain decisions +sighs+ I think way too much... BUT I CAN'T HELP IT! I DON'T WANNA THINK SO MUCH EITHER! FCUK!
I'm sick of thinking about Paul and worrying about what might happen. I'm sick of thinking of him every day and every night. Fcuk this. I've already placed it in the hands of God, so why the hell am I thinking and worrying??? I'm frustrated with myself. I'm irritated. Damn irritated with I don't know what. I hope it's just PMS and not me going crazy +sighs+
Argh forget it. I'm too pissed to blog about everything. Not that anyone gives a damn. I'm just waiting for school to start.
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June 11, 2004
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If this dies on me, I will KILL her. Hahahha
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Look at all her entries and you see the way she complains abt her ie not being able to work properly.. Apparently it happened like over and over agn..
Cheryl: You try and use lah..
me: if it's gona work jus laugh my ass off..
Cheryl: if it work I'll jus die lah k..
And here I am typing on her lappy.. Haha! You shld jus gimme ur lappy lah k.. Since it hates you so much.. XP
Cheryl hates me! But I dun care! =P
-Noven-
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June 10, 2004
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Harry Potter today. It was an okay movie. Wouldn't say it isn't worth it but definitely not worth it if you're watching it on a weekend. Worth $6.50 at least. Lols. What crap. Had fun with the buncha freaks. I mean it this time round, I'm never watching a movie with them anymore. Seesh. Anyways, comments on HP... Quite a disappointment I must say in the plot. The story was cut out by alot and there wasn't enough Quidditch. But the effects were good and the one-liners. So I guess overall, it was pretty okay?? Oh ya, Draco is HOTT!
Can't decide on which phone -->
This looks pretty cool. But I dunno about the antenna. Never wanted a flip phone cause of the antenna. Bahh
I like this the most. But I don't know about motorola. From what I know, seems hard to use.
This seems pretty cool. I think I shall check out the pricing ;))
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June 09, 2004
Just received the shortest yet sweetest phonecall from a great friend. Thanks Andrea darling, you've been there for me despite the geographical distance. I love you dearie :)
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Oh I finally bought the book I've wanted to buy for so long. "Big Girls Don't Whine" :D It's a great book and really inspirational. It makes me wanna turn to Daddy so much more, and just rest in His wonderful presence :))
Dreamt of Paul last night. The dream was just too good to be true. So much so that I'm scared. Very scared. Ahhh. Just scaring myself. Woke up with tears in my eyes and feeling very lost. Just realized the power of prayers. Everytime I felt lost or down, I just turned my eyes to Him. I'm pretty much just relying on the strength that God gives me to get through each day. And the greatest thing about it is that the strength is enough just to get me through ONE day, that I might never stray from Him. Always needing Him to give me strength :)) I believe its a way to make me stay with Him, hold on to His hand and grow stronger in Him.
My parents are entering another level in their relationship. My mom has stopped being so paranoid about my dad going out and all. I think they've finally come to an understanding. And though I dunno exactly what's going on, I sense the friction is gone, the tensed atmosphere that used to be there is gone. Praise God! He's been so good to me and He will continue raining His blessings on me. I rest in You, Father :))
-
Mel<< Take care too. You probably won't see this or whatever. Have fun in Thailand
Sha<< Thanks babe :)) I hope you're doing great. We gotta meet up soon, with WL and Mirah. I miss you guys like tonsssss! :D Well, God is the only reason why I'm alive and well :)) Take care ok?? +huggies+
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Even though I've put everything in the hands of my Daddy God. There still are 584905834908504 things that I don't understand. And I will never ever understand until the day we both sit down and talk everything out. Straighten up this mess, which would take alot of patience, effort and COURAGE! Will we be able to get to that day? Or will things be left unsettled like this always?
I don't understand how you can move on so fast when I'm still stuck here, loving you and trying to show how much I care.
I don't understand how you can let go of all the memories and everything we've shared when I'm still thinking of them and crying at the thoughts.
I don't understand why things hafta end up like that.
I don't understand why we didn't make the effort to try again.
I don't understand why you can be so indifferent about it all.
I don't understand how you can just let someone go when you claim you still love that someone!
I don't understand why I'm making things difficult for myself.
I finally know how it really feels like to have someone not even knowing you exist anymore. Going from being a part of his life to someone who doesn't even exist in his memory. It hurt. It cuts deep into the soul. It feels like I've lost a part of my heart. The very same heart that keeps me alive and the very same heart that I gave to you. I gave you my whole heart. And you returned it to me, a whole chunk missing, the remainder in pieces and expect me to piece it back on my own. I can't. I've fallen apart, without your love and support to hold me up.
If there's one thing I don't like about this whole thing, it's the fact that I'm still here while you're miles and miles away. On top of the fact that even though I place everything into God's hands, I still miss you like I do, want you like I always wanted you, miss you like never before and love you like I've never loved anyone.
Tired and drained. But yet, I still hope for you! Yet, I still want this to work out no matter how much patience and effort is needed. +sighs+ For now, I can only pray that God gives me the strength, like how He's always given me the strength that I needed to get through the bumps in life. That He continues smiling down at me and keeps me in His warm embrace.
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Feeling a little better now. Peaceful at least, though I miss him alot. But my Daddy just breathed life into me :)) The power of prayer and praise :)) I'm thankful to have God in my life. He's always there for me, His strong arms never fail to pick me up when I fall.
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You
I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
Everlasting Father, I love You
Ever living Savior, I love You
Everlasting Father, I love You
Ever living Savior, I love You
I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all
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June 08, 2004
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Seesh, I realized I hafta reformat my laptop before I can configure my wireless again. Which means 700+ mp3s will be gone! )): +sobs+ Okay, Cheryl shall just cry like crazy. Bahh. I don't know. Maybe I'll link it all to my bro's comp first. Hahah. We'll see. Going shopping today. Actually no, just gonna get my jeans today. And tomorrow, I'm gonna send in my Levis and 2 other pairs of jeans for alterations. Which brings the number of jeans that I have which are wearable to a grand total of 7! And if I get another 2 pairs... Okay, mom's gonna murder me.
Wrote out a shopping list last night and I just realized I gotta go shake ALL the tress in Singapore before I get enough money to complete that list! Hahah. Okay, enough of crap, off I go...
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June 07, 2004
I'm gonna go shopping for school stuff soon. Just wanna rest at home this week before I start the crazy shopping. And I just realized my maid's gone home for 3 weeks. Which means I'm maid-less for that period of time +shudders+ And my brother's got school and work, my dad's working after this week, mom's working. Ahhh! I'm screwed. I can't clean and there's no way I would do it. I'm just too lazy but I can't live in a dusty house, my nose! I think I'm gonna ask my parents to lemme go somewhere to visit my cousins or something. Hahah. Running away.
Hmmm, maybe I could go to Israel? I really wanna go. But my dad refuses so even if NCC organizes an Israel trip, I can't go :((( First, I missed this year's church camp and now... my dad refuses to let me go to Israel. But it's okay. I will get to go. Just trust in God that He will persuade my parents somehow :))
Okay okay, got tons more to blog, but I wanna watch Friends. So off I go. Tata
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June 06, 2004
Lord with all my heart I worship You
all I have within me
I give You praise
all that I adore is in You
Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord have Your way in me
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Anyways, I've thought it through, talked it out, prayed about it and have come to a conclusion that everything happened for the best reasons, whatever they may be. My beloved Father God only wants the best for me. And that's enough for me :))
Service today was great. Message was shared by Pastor Bryan Houston from Hillsongs church. And Hillsongs was leading worship. I just felt the presence of God so strongly during worship. His presence was so comforting and I was so touched by worship! Made up for me missing FOP :)) And yes, worshipping Him just brings a calm to my raging thoughts and emotions. Praise God! Oh yes, I am gonna go for church camp next year, no matter what. I missed this year's church camp :(( They left for KL today after service. Bahh. But before that, Jas and me have decided we need to start going for Campus meetings. Haha =D
Watched 'The Day After Tomorrow'. It was a great movie. And the story of how a father would brave the danger was really touching. So far, the best movie of the year. Somehow, I think it beats 'Troy' hands down. Hahah. I don't know. Maybe 'Troy' had a good plot but somehow, I was kept entertained and interested during 'TDAT' while I was fidgeting around during 'Troy'. Ah well
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June 05, 2004
Okay, shall bugger off now. Going out in a bit. Bleah. I wanna go for FOP! I can't believe I missed it for some....... Never mind. There's always next year.
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June 04, 2004
Okay, moving on... A lighter note
Cheryl's got a new guy. My baby = J! Lols. Nah, kidding. We were mucking around last night on the line and decided that we should get "attached" to each other. Haha. Craziness. I seriously suspect he was high. Haha. And all cause of him, I almost burned down my room... AGAIN. This time it wasn't paper. It was the bottle of lighter fuel. Seesh. I almost killed myself all cause of my baby! Blah. What utter nonsense. Anyways baby, you gotta come tonight ok? Please please please?? It's ok, don't go clubbing. Hahah. I doubt you're reading this and I gotta stop calling you "baby".
And for goodness sakes, we are NOT together. I repeat, we are not together! Lols. I'm irritated and I'm just trying to make myself happier by laughing at the silly guy's craziness. Duh! He rocks my world. Somehow, no matter what, I can't live without him in my life. He's just my powerstation. Bringing light and energy into my life. Seesh. Mel!! Powerstation!! Reminds me of Yang. Hahah
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Anyways, Ching stayed over on Wed night. Met her at PW in the evening. Sat around talking alot. Met Marcius and decided to go over to Kevin's place. Yeah, he's back from states for 3 weeks I think? Whatever. Came home to my mom's nagging. Slept in till like 1+ yesterday. Went to TM with Ching for Fish and Co. Tooks neos after lunch then she left to meet Stacey. Went over to meet Mel, Dia, Hui, Qi at Siglap to get stuff for BBQ. They came over to marinate the stuff with Yang and Noven.
Don't even know why I'm bothering to blog like that. Been ages since I've done it. Just need to type stuff and I'm sick of always blogging about how much I miss him and want him. Enough!
My tattoo still hurts! And I'm getting at least 2 more. One more on my back and another one somewhere. Haven't decided +shrugs+ Just needta do something. School's starting soon. Great! I can't wait, really. I needta distract myself!
I'm currently irritated, pissed, upset, heartbroken, cranky! So don't cross my path. Not gonna be very nice
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June 02, 2004
I'm still waiting. For what, I don't know. Still convincing myself that I'm over him. I wanna scream out loud that I'm over him but yet I know deep down inside, I can't! I don't know how much longer I can take this pain. This is too hard to overcome. I just wanna give up. Throw myself into something else, hurt someone else and maybe I'll feel a little better? I don't even know what I'm talking about. Father, why take away the best gift You've given to me? I feel so lost and alone now. I don't know who to turn to. I thought I could get over him but as time goes by, the feelings that I have are intensifying instead of fading away. I can't take this any longer!
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June 01, 2004
I honestly love you!
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It feels kinda good to sit in my room and surf the net. So I shall not complain about how the connection sucks. Bored bored bored. I wanna watch Harry Potter! Bahh. And I miss him!!! Hahah. How dumb can I get? When he obviously doesn't care, why am I still pining and praying and hoping and whatever else
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Change in a relationship. Is it neccessary? Lols. I'm back on that topic again. All cause I have absolutely nothing to do and I'm just thinking and thinking and thinking. Anyways... In my opinion, it is important. First, understanding where each other is coming from. Then accepting that. And if you find it hard to accept that, CHANGE your mindset. Hahah. Ok, I'm crazy. I shall not go on.
I guess no matter what people tell me about him, I still have my own voice inside telling me what to do. Yes, fine I try to self-convince a bit. Telling myself that I've let go when deep down inside, I know I still love him and I'm still holding on. All cause I'm placing all my faith in this relationship. I'm still believing for it :))
Lord, as I place this broken relationship in Your hands, I thank you that whatever broken placed in Your hands would be made whole again! Amen
My Daddy is an awesome God and He will get me through this. 'Nuff said. Btw, I DON'T CARE what anyone says about my tattoo, I LOVE IT!
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Mel<<< Woman! Thanks so much for being in that room with me. I'd have cried if you weren't there. You seem to go with me everytime I wanna "decorate" my body. Lols
Jia<<< When when when?? I can't wait. My butterfly! :)))
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