`the beautiful disaster

September 29, 2004

I'll be your cryin' shoulder

I'll be love's suicide

I'll be better when I'm older

I'll be the greatest fan of yours

I will be. But unless you allow me to be, I can't +sighs+ Songs have been screaming out for me the past month. Shit. Seriously, I laugh at my ability to smile though I'm crying inside. At my ability to pretend I don't care anymore when every night I'm crying out for you. I wonder where this is taking me. I know you don't care anymore. I know you never did care. Everything was a lie. But why do I want this fact to turn back into that big fat lie? No, I'm not living in denial. I know you don't care. I know you're no longer here. But I want you back in my life.

When you know

That you know

Who you need

You can't deny it

Or go back

Or give up

Or pretend

That you don't buy it

I can't fucking pretend that I don't care anymore. I can't go on living as if I don't love you anymore, as if I don't miss you anymore. Because I do. I still love you and I still miss you (God knows why!) I don't know what else to do. I wanna move on. I wanna move on simple because you don't care anymore. Because I know no matter what I do, how long I wait, YOU DON'T CARE and will NEVER CARE! And right now... I just wanna say that one day when I do move on, it will be cause your indifference has finally pushed me over the cliff and not because I don't care. Because I will always love you!

+..all cried out..+ . [10:50 PM ]
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September 28, 2004

./Spinning :: Who Am I - Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love and watch me rise again

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours I am Yours

Whom shall I fear

'Cause I am Yours

I am Yours

+..all cried out..+ . [10:40 PM ]
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September 27, 2004

Oh man. That woman's gone nuts. Yes so apparently we're all gonna hafta sleep on a wet bed tonight. But Ker darling, there's always the floor. Can leave me the bed +grins+ 8 hours of "Stairway To Heaven" straight up. Seesh! It's so darn sad and depressing. I'm so hooked that I haven't started on stats +sheepish+ Oh wells.

This show isn't making me feel any better about everything. It's making me miss him so much more +sighs+ I should stop watching it right now but I'm HOOKED! Damn!

I love you more than I love myself!

Oh yes, to every single person taking their promos, GOOD LUCK!

./Spinning :: When Love And Hate Collide - Def Leppard

+..all cried out..+ . [11:32 PM ]
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the kerry invasion begins here... muahahah... evil laughter! cher's 1 mad biatch. shes been cryin forever... thanx to stairway to heaven! now we gotta sleep on a wet bed tonight... thanks to stairway to heaven... yups... i'm over at her place now... wanna blog but i forgot my pw... shucks... relyin wayyyyy 2 much on pw reminders... im bored and i dont wanna watch anymore... it's depressin and the mad woman's cryin like madness... and now she wants to go to korea durin hols and learn korean... faints! can someone kill me... i pity my poor bro... he's like stuck there cause she wont budge and he's damn scared when grrls cry... laughs! ok... so i think i'm gonna go off now... coz she's gonna scream soon... nice scene comin up... byeeeeeeee bloggie... shall invade soon enough!

+..all cried out..+ . [10:43 PM ]
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September 26, 2004

Yeaps, so I watched "Resident Evil : Apocalypse" today! It rocks mans! Gosh, can't even take a breather. When you think it's safe to breathe, the stupid zombie or nemesis or what not pops out and oh my goodness! Go watch go watch go watch! It's an excellent movie. I must say the stunt coordinators did a marvellous job! I'm impressed. And Mila Jovovich is HOTT! Okay, yes Benji! I stand firm on the fact that her supposedly digitally enhanced boobs are still NON-EXISTENT. Lols

Was supposed to meet that stupid Benjamin Ng at like 12 but guess what, that idiot arrived like around 12.30! +whacks+ Wanted to watch the 1.20 show before studying but there were only first row seats left. So we ended up watching the 4.30 movie, fourth row center :\ And Benji!!! I wanna slap you please. I did not scream like nobody's business please. It was only twice and I got a shock can. At least I wasn't covering my ears like that guy beside and curling up on the chair. And I finished half the popcorn, unlike some guy. Lols. He's damn funny la that guy +laughs+ Haha. Yeah man. Alice and Valentine were superb please! I was like stunned can!

Took a few pics. Like see Benji's latest entry. Can't be bothered to upload. Lols. Anywhos, I'm glad I met up with this male bitch of mine. Caught up on stuff. And bitched alot, studied too! Amazed? Heh. Oh and I found a fellow emo drama serials chaser! Lols. I think SUMMER is crazy over them too! Yay! Ooh, after eons of procrastinating, I FINALLY bought "Stairway To Heaven" VCD! Gonna stay home tomorrow to watch :P Oh and stupid Benjamin got me addicted to a certain genre of movies! :\ And no. It's NOT porn. Lols. Eh btw, Benji!! Is it M18 or R21? Haha. I'm downloading them now. But I can't find the "Shi Qi Sui De Tian Kong"

Oh yes!! So sweet. Carry her!! Eh you need life vest? In case you fall in ACCIDENTALLY. You know, you always need a plan B or a backup at least :\ And stop thinking la you! You can think all you want after your irritating promos :P

+..all cried out..+ . [9:50 PM ]
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September 25, 2004

Feeling a little useless right now. I don't know what to say. Everyone around me's so damn stressed with promos, finals, prelims and what not. Worse thing is that everyone's bogged down by relationship problems! Sometimes I wonder what's the deal with relationships? It's not like we can't live without them, can we? Oh wells. I'm sorry guys. I have no idea how to make you feel better. But if it helps, I'm always here to listen and lend you a shoulder to cry on (btw, the shoulders are pretty strong). I just pray that God would give me the wisdom and strength to see my friends through rough times. And that He'll give me the grace to be a good friend.

Make me feel again

Slide across my skin again

Let me uncover you to rediscover you

And I will open up if you promise to give in

On this perfect night

Let the two of us be one.....

Ching :x: Dear, you destress alrights? I know its been hard for you. But you will get through this. Love you. Cheer up! +hugs

Rl :x: IF your reading this, please don't think so much ok? Take care

Drea :x: Hey honey, you cheer up! Jesus will see you through this. Rest in His unwavering love and trust THE faith! Love you sweets. I'm gonna call you tomorrow aiights? Meanwhile, hang on +hugs+

./Spinning :: Miss You Love - Silverchair

+..all cried out..+ . [11:22 PM ]
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Pouring through old photo albums, letters, cards, neos. Basically my memory box! I miss everyone so much. Can we turn back time please? +cries+ I miss those times in sec school. Yes, I do not like the school itself, but the memories of it... +sighs+ EMO ALERT! Realized most of the notes were from Amy, Sam and Ching. I miss Amy and Sam like madness! We were supposed to be studying in Aust together. Not all 3 of us separated like this! +cries+ I'm in a crying mood today. I really wanna turn back time. I really miss everyone. Though we've all had our differences and everything, I still miss you guys!

And most of all, I miss ......... him. Haha. Funny how I still miss him when he doesn't even think of me. I scoff at this stupidity of mine. Really I do.

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do

You are my only, my only one

Ker babe! I love you so much girl. It's funny how we were such great friends. Then we walked away from each other, and yet, picked up where we left off this year after like 3 years? I'm glad you're here for me hon! And I'm always gonna be here for you. Saw a pic taken of us when we were lil kids. When I was still your neighbour. Oh my goodness me! We look so different now. Thank God! I'll see you later tonight k hon?

Val :x: Yeah I totally agree with you. It's really crazy the way we're fighting to see who's more stressed up. I MISS YOU TOO! Yeaps. Promise +pinkie promise+ :P Hmms, projects were ALL due on Mon. So hoping I'll do well enough :)) We WILL meet soon! I'm chasing all the major exams away so everyone can have fun! Love you!

Kel :x: I don't know. If you really wanna go to poly, then go ahead. Okay, never mind. We'll talk more when we meet up. Yeah, screw promos. It's like to hell with my finals. Everyone's stressing out and I'm shit bored cause I'm not studying. Lols. Love you girl.

+..all cried out..+ . [11:42 AM ]
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September 24, 2004

Can't go back

Can't erase

Baby your smiling face

Oh no, I can't think of nothing else

but you

People have commented that I have no self esteem when it comes to certain matters. I always thought I was really egoistical? Ha. Once again, I've been proven wrong. It's funny how people know me better than I know myself. It's true, and once again, I'll admit that I don't know myself at all.

Read Ching's blog. Dear, you don't have to feel bad about not spending time with me. I understand, I really do. We have the whole of the holidays :)) Will give you ALL my time ok?? Miss you girl! All the best for promos ok? And don't think about unnecessary stuff right now alright? You have all the time in the world to think till you're sick of it. And about a certain matter, I hope your assumption is true :\ And I don't think your mind reading skills are going away. Just that you can't really read minds from such a great distance. Lols. Don't worry, you can try again soon. Take care!

Wells, to a certain person. I'm really in no position to comment. Cause I haven't experienced JC life and have no right to say which (JC vs poly) is better. So you think about what you really want. I'm sure you know who you are. Woman, don't gimme the bull about poly life being slacker than JC life. Honestly, it's what you choose to make of it. Look, certain people in your school as you are so damn stressed and your MC-ing your way outta school every other day and still scraping through. Same goes for me, people in poly are freaking stressing out over finals and projects and what not. And I'm going to school only 2-3 days a week, MC-ing my way around the system. It's what you want my dear girl! 'Sides, poly life ain't what you think it is. Really. People there are different from the people we're used to. So think about it. +grins+

Talking about this whole JC vs poly thing... I'm so damn glad that it is. Yet on the other hand, I wish I didn't have any hols. So poly life would end in 2 years instead of 3. Yes, that's how much I hate school right now. I used to love school. Not for school itself but the fun times and the memories. But seriously, I don't see any fun times in poly. Okay, besides the occasional dressing up days. But that's about it. People there are driven by a different force. It's like they live on a different planet. Or rather, I'm on a different planet. They know what they want in life. Sick of people knowing what they want 10 years down the road, and I don't even know what I want 10 months down. And I'm not much of a person who likes prep. I'm more like a last minute kinda person. Like I'd rather be staying up pulling an all-niter one night before my finals, go in and vomitting it all out. And you can't do that in poly. Sad but true. And everyone is hungry for the diplomas. I don't even want mine! Cause if I do get it, it's my dad's. NOT mine. I so don't want a f-ing diploma. I regret! I regret! I regret! I regret! I should've just gone to SR or JJ or whatever ulufied JC. At least its a JC. Fuck! Wonder if I could try transferring next year, or am I too stupid that even YJ wouldn't wanna accept me? I'm serious about this whole thing, but I don't know if I can

Ain't gonna show no weakness

I'm gonna smile and tell the whole world I'm fine

I'm gonna keep my senses

But deep down where no one can hear me

Baby I'll be crying for you

Why do I love you?

Don't even want to

Why do I love you like I do?

Like I always do

+..all cried out..+ . [10:53 PM ]
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September 21, 2004

I don't know why, but I'm feeling kinda lost and empty right now. I know I should be happy that all the projects are done and I've got time on my hands. But just as I've got time, my friends are busy with prelims and promos. And as time in poly goes by, I regret more and more. I should have just gone to any JC instead of clinging on to CJ. Wells, its too damn late for regrets right now.

Many 'what if's have been flooding my mind. Oh wells.

Econs test today. Not gonna dwell on it. It is over and it was nailed to that cross with Jesus, I trust that my faithful Lord will bring me through it. In desperate need of spiritual growth right now. I should spend more time with the Word instead of thinking of all the what ifs and of him!

+..all cried out..+ . [10:41 PM ]
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September 20, 2004

FRAGMENTED ENTRY ALERT!

Not a day goes by that

I don't need you in my life

Was it something that I did

Tell me why

I can't get pass the pain

To you, our love is just a memory

Gradually you slip away

And all I can say is stay

New pics up, under school. or you could just click http://www.imagestation.com/album/?id=3613015093 YES, life is so freaking determined to bring me down. Seesh. Stayed up till like 1 plus, 2 to finish up the damn video for today's presentation. And GUESS WHAT, the video screwed up on me. There was NO freaking sound! GREAT! Oh and did I mention I had to wake up at 530 for school today?

As usual, I screwed up my presentation. Yups, so much for resting and trusting the grace of God. Kept telling myself that I, almighty, powerful ME could do it on my own efforts. Serves me right for that pride. I gotta learn. Seesh. Having a cold war with the upper people in the "family".

Just back from Ker's place. Dan is the sweetest person alive. No wonder aunty Fan loves him. Ker, you're one lucky girl. Stay happy please. Love you loads

Somebody please stop this hurt inside

Although your love for me has changed

After all the pain you've caused

I still can't get you outta my mind

No matter what you say

I can't let go

Jia :x: Yes yes, pretty pretty bung. You can take Mel's place. Anywhos. Nice meeting up with you on sat. Take care and I'll see you soon yeah +hugs+

Benji :x: Thanks dude. I'll try to stay strong for you la. Cause I gotta help you ask "her" out rights? Lols

Val :x: Hey sweets. Thank you. I'll try to hang in there. You take care okay? And mug hard, so you can PARTY hard and have lotsa fun without guilt later on! Love you plenty +muahx+

Sam :x: Hey you. I'll try to cheer up. Though I'm sure you know yourself it's kinda hard. Oh wells, hope your head isn't hurting from the "kick" Jerry delivered to your head :\ See ya in school tomorrow. And if you see this in time, GOOD LUCK for econs, though I don't think you'd need it

Sha :x: Yeah I know. We'll hang after her O's or something. I'm sure we'll work something out. Take care dearie *love

As time goes by,

Will our memories fade?

Tell me how can you go on,

After all that we've been through.

I don't wanna go on,

Without you in my life

Because in my heart I still believe

That you will come back to me

Do I really believe that you will still come back or am I that disillusioned?

+..all cried out..+ . [10:29 PM ]
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September 19, 2004

I FUCKING HATE MY FAMILY! That bastard who apparently donated a certain amount of freaking sperm to a certain woman who contributed the egg which produced me is a fucking BASTARD! And no, I'm NOT gonna apologize for my language or my choice of words. Imagine being slapped acrossed the face, getting punched in your arms and having a REMOTE CONTROL hit you on the head. IMAGINE that? And tell me if you're gonna be apologetic about saying what i just said.

Life seems fucking determined to bring me down. And guess what, I'm giving in, I'm giving in. I'm sick and fucking tired of fighting it out with life. Have no more voice right now and I've got TWO presentations tomorrow. It's not helping that my thoughts still revolve around someone. I don't know how much longer I can take this anymore. Lord, help me! Lord, I don't know what else to do. I don't care what you do, how you do it, just do it for me Daddy!

I held the pieces of my soul

I was shattered

And I wanted you to come and make me whole

Then I saw you yesterday

But you didn't notice

You just walked away

+..all cried out..+ . [9:01 PM ]
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Though I've given you my heart and soul

I must find a way of letting go

'Cause baby, I don't wanna cry

+sighs+ This is going nowhere. Yups, trying to finish up econs for my test, which I'm gonna fail. Met up with Jia for awhile in town, walked around and left. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing right now. Supposed to meet Bry, Ker and the rest for drinks. Too tired. Sorry sweets!

Going crazy missing somebody! Though I know that everything around me has changed, and is still changing, my feelings haven't changed. Don't ask me why. I hate the fact that I still love you after 5 months.

I'd give away my soul to hold you once again

And never let this promise end

+..all cried out..+ . [1:17 AM ]
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September 16, 2004

I finally broke down today! I'm so sorry Terence! And sorry for making you miss your stop! Your shoulder's no good la boy. I'm sure you know why

Two and a half projects down, one and a half to go. Wells, I just realized I need to work. I need to occupy myself with projects. I wanna me plagued down with projects NOW! So I won't hafta think of you.

Ker just left. That sweetheart came down with a tub of Haagen Daaz strawberry icecream, B&J's chocolate chip cookie dough, Ruffles (BBQ), Cheese cake which aunty Fan bought from Raffles Hotel. And yes, we finished both tubs of icecream and the cheesecake while talking and fell asleep. So I'm going to the Mickey Mouse lantern thing with her :\

Walked through the park, in the evening air

I heard a voice and I thought you were there

I run away but I just can't escape

Memories of you everywhere

They say the time will dry the tears

But true love burns for a thousand years

Give my tomorrows for one yesterday

Just to know that I could have you here

+..all cried out..+ . [9:25 PM ]
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September 15, 2004

Oh I could just kill myself right now. Well, good thing about this. Everything's due this week or by Monday. Hence, I'll be free from Monday on. Yups. I needa catch up with a million people. Next week people, I PROMISE! Yes, the latest scoop from ME, if you guys haven't heard already :\ Not that it's like real interesting.

Poly life's a drag. Seriously. And people in poly are seriously... Never mind, shall NOT go there. Finally got my adobe up and running but my photo impression's still down :\ Oh wells. I'm bored, taking a break and missing him like mad.

Btw, I kinda saw someone today. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel after seeing that someone. Not like that person saw me. But STILL! I don't know. Someone tell me what I'm supposed to feel? Feel like crying yet it feels like my tear ducts aren't producing tears anymore, feel like laughing at my own foolishness but I just can't. Bahhs

When will this river of tears stop falling

Where can I run so I won't feel alone

Can't walk away when the pain keeps calling

I've just gotta take it from here on my own

But it's so hard to let go

Val :x: Yes Val mommy! Hahah kidding. Like finally, 2 down, 2 to go! Don't ever slack of when it comes to projects man. Leave it and you'll panic when the dateline is like in 3-4 days :\ Yeah, I'll never forget that man. Hmmms, it was like the first time 3 of us went out together :))) And I'm gonna make sure we do that often enough so I won't go crazy missing the two of you! Anywhoos, good luck for prelims ogay? All the luck in the world for you! And don't worry, you WILL get through it fine +sugar honeyed kisses+

Bryan :x: WHATEVER! I'm so agitated right now. I so can't believe that nerve of hers! Pissed pissed pissed. Okay, I think I'm not THAT pissed, but I just needa get my mind of him. Lols. Too bad for her. She shouldn't have given me attitude, now she's dead. Bahhs :\ I need sugar, I do! Latyas

+..all cried out..+ . [10:41 PM ]
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September 13, 2004

Yes, apparently there's NO difference in my hair. Well, there kinda is. The back is shorter and its more choppy and my fringe is shorter and the color sucks. Will upload a better pic when someone takes a picture of the back/crown of my head :|

+..all cried out..+ . [8:33 PM ]
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Is this a good thing? I'm getting back into my blogging mood again. Where I blog multiple entries in a day. Lols. Anyways, was supposed to go get my tongue piercing today and shop for friend's present after school. Oral comm presentation's next monday, just enough time for the tongue to heal properly! BUT my dear BRYANKOH is making me wait till next friday cause he wants to get his stupid tatt! I could shoot him please. Ended up cutting and dyeing my hair at HairShop for 200 bucks. When the damn piercing would've cost me 80 bucks! Thanks alot Bryan! Anyways, he's paying for my piercing so what the heck +grins+

If we had love before

We can have it back once more

Had a LONG LONG talk with Bry about tons of stuff. Relationships, friendships, Faith, Love, family, school, stress! Not ready to share yet but I will when I put all the fragments together. Leaving now with something to think about.

--> "Life doesn't always go the way you want it to" Hence, should you be the one making sure it goes your way no matter what you hafta do? Yes, faith plays a part. But do you have the determination to fight the demons that try robbing you of that faith?

Told you it was fragmented. Never mind. Think about it or something?

+..all cried out..+ . [8:16 PM ]
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September 12, 2004

Met up with Xue and Val yesterday in town! It was a blast! We should do that soon yea sweethearts? Anyways, we watched 'Man On Fire'. NICE! I'm so crazily infatuated with Denzel Washington mans! He's like how suave and classy. Yeah, though he was merciless, STILL! Alrights, you'll never understand unless you've watched the show. This show is highly recommended. The most worth it movie of the year, taking the place of TDAT!

Met up with Mel, Yenlin, SongXia and Benji after that! Oh yes, I finally saw the cute bung I was so crazy over yesterday! She's HOW cute please! Haha. Oh wells. Yes, she was laughing at Mel and Benji cause they were going crazy with the multi shot function in my Dcam. Val and me were just laughing our asses off. I miss SongXia=SUMMER! Hahah! Oh and I went over to Pats around 8+, 9 to meet Ja. She as usual got me pissed ass drunk and I had to go home myself! Thank goodness for Terence who was on the phone with me. Or at least I THINK it was him, 'sides his number was last dailed on my phone :
-
Benji :x: Yes yes. My male bitch! Uploaded the photos already! Send you tonight when I see you online

Val :x: Yeaps. Had tons of fun! You rock my world honey! +hugs+

Xue :x: I'm never letting you keep movie tix anymore. I could die of heartattack before the movie started :P

Drea :x: Hmms. Alrights. Phone? Skype?

Sha :x: Thanks babe! It really means alot aiights. And hey, we gotta meet up soon ok!
-

Old man: In church, they say to forgive
Creasy: Forgiveness is between them and God. And it's my job to arrange that meeting

Haha, that was a good one man! I think the best line of the movie. So who's gonna arrange my meeting??? Val? Xue? Lols

+..all cried out..+ . [1:01 PM ]
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September 10, 2004

Lost and all alone
I always thought that I could make it on my own
Since you left I hardly make it through the day
My tears get in the way
And I need you back to stay

I wander through the night
And search the world to find
the words to make it right
All I want is just the way it used to be
With you here close to me
I've got to make you see

That I'm lost without your love
Life without you isn't worth the trouble of
I'm as helpless as a ship without a wheel
A touch without a feel
I can't believe it's real...

And someday soon I'll wake
And find my heart won't have to break

Yes I'm lost without your love
Life without you isn't worth the trouble of
All I want is just the way it used to be
I need you here with me
Oh darlin' can't you see...
If we had love before
We can have it back once more

Shit. ~~I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!~~ How the fuck can you be so damn cruel, to leave me like that? How the fuck did you have the heart to do what you did? FUCK YOU! I feel like killing myself right now. For being so stupid, for still loving you and for NOT hating you at all. Not one bit!

Okay, pardon the language! I'm just frustrated with myself right now. And the worse thing is I seem so slack in school when everyone's freaking out over exams and projects. I'm planning outings and trying to drag people to hang. Apparently Ed feels I've changed so much after Paul. That cause of what happened, I'm a different person, so different he doesn't know me anymore. Maybe I've just always been like that? This indifferent, screwed up fuck that I am right now

+..all cried out..+ . [10:16 PM ]
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September 09, 2004

I think blogger hates me! Seriously. Like it refused to let me publish the damn post last night please. So irritated. Today was pretty weird. But I just realized that school's a very nice place to relieve stress in my favourite way :\ Oh and I got whacked my that idiot Terence today like a million times and got scolded like another 10 million times. ASS! Oh and I saw QQ like after goodness knows how many million years and yes, she's as lame as ever.

It's weird how my mood fluctuates over like a period of a few hours. Bahhs :\ I don't know. I just hope I fall asleep tonight and not be bawling like some idiot as usual. Just had an annoying convo with someone who thinks he knows me so damn well when in actual fact he DOESN'T! Seesh! I'm pissed. So damn freaking pissed. With myself and that irritating person. Just realized that I'm sucha wreck. Cutting myself has become like my crack. That high I get. The moment I'm upset, out comes my razor and I act all normal after that. Yeaps, my new best friend!

Tell me how am I suppose to live without you
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
How am I suppose to live without you
How am I suppose to carry on
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

+sighs+ Still remember that day when I heard this song with him. See, my crazy mind which LOVES linking every damn thing to him! Oh yes, for the record, if anyone has a friend missing on friendster, its ME. And I haven't deleted you. I deleted my account for a certain dumb reason and NO, I'm not regretting it!

+..all cried out..+ . [9:39 PM ]
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September 08, 2004

I'm so useless, I am! I wanted so much to ask him just that one last question. I wanted to. But when it came down to the wire, all I could do was APOLOGIZE for the fuss I made on sat night! I could kill myself! I seriously don't know how to go on anymore without him.

Feel so alone and helpless right now! Where in the world is God? I can't take this! I can't! I wanna die.

When you say I miss the things you do,
I just wanna get back close again to you.
But for now your voice is near enough.
How I miss you, and I miss you love.
And though all the days that pass me by so slow,
all the emptiness inside me flows all around,
and there's no way out.
I'm just thinkin' so much of you.
There was never any doubt.

*Chorus:
I can wait forever if you say you'll be there too.
I can wait forever if you will.
I know it's worth it all to spend my life alone with you.

When it looked as though my life was wrong,
You took my love and gave it somewhere to belong.
I'll be here when hope is out of sight.
I just wish that I was next to you tonight.
And oh, I'll be reaching for you even though
You'll be somewhere else, my love.
We'll go like a bird on its way back home.
I could never let you go.
And I just want you to know...

*Chorus:

I can wait forever if you say you'll be there too.

I can wait forever if you will.

I know it's worth it all to spend my life alone with you.

Where are you now,
along with the thoughts we share?
Keep them strong somehow.
And you know I'll always be there.

*Chorus:

I can wait forever if you say you'll be there too.

I can wait forever if you will.

I know it's worth it all to spend my life alone with you.

+..all cried out..+ . [10:20 PM ]
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September 06, 2004

Feel like such a joke. Am tired of everything that has been thrown my way.

School's been a nightmare. I really hate school. Been like 11/12 weeks? And guess what, I haven't even adapted yet. Alrights, might be me, seeing I'm in school an average of 2 days a week +sighs+ Can't find it in me to go to school and act like I so love it and go through all the lectures and tutorials. It's seriously a damn waste of time in my opinion seeing I'm not even interested in what I'm doing and am probably gonna do something else with my life. So congratulations to me, 3 years of my life down the drain! I really hate living my life based on people's decisions. On what is the RIGHT thing to do, of having to meet people's expectations of me. Tell me, what is the right thing? We have these preconcived notions of whats the right thing and whats the wrong thing. And apparently, the right thing to do now is finish the 3 years of crap in poly just for that stupid piece of paper that ain't even enough to get me anywhere. And then what? Continue with the right thing, do the same shit in uni (assuming I do get in) and live my whole life in regret cause I had to fulfill my dad's wishes? Cause he never had the chance to do what he wanted to -- banking and hence, made me do it? Yes, I disappointed him when I was younger cause I ended up in CCHS instead of RG or MG. But guess what, his daughter is just stupid! Not smart like him. I'm sorry he was smart but granpa didn't have money for him to continue his education. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sorry that I didn't get his smart genes! Does that give him the damn right to place all his hopes on me (instead of my brother cause that guy's a total good for nothing) and make me do what he wants me to do?! Does he hafta rub it in everytime we talk, or rather quarrel about this? He's forever bringing up the fact that I didn't make it! Yes, its my damn fault but I still have a chance, and he's just holding back this chance for me.

Feel like everything I had with him was just a dream and that somehow along the way, someone woke me up! And I'm left nursing the after effects! Came across someone's blog just now. And I kinda agree with that person. What if he was some trash talking beng with those flashy phones and listened to techno crap and dressed bad! Would I be pining still?? (Like I said, WHAT IF!) The thing about it is that he was everything I ever wanted, smart, talented, good-looking (fine! to me ok!), good sense of humour, loving, blah blah blah and most importantly, GOD-LOVING! Everything that I could ever dream of, or even dream of asking. And I have to let go of that dream guy! Even right now, he's got so much going on for him and I'm nothing and I have nothing! Right from the start, I guess I was deceiving myself. Who was I kidding, I could never have measured up to him. Guess he does deserve someone so much better than me. So now, I just hafta learn to let go!

Relationships with people have been so superficial. Besides the close friends who I can lean on and cry on, everyone else I've been pretty much ignoring as best as I can. I don't wanna get out of that safety zone, I'm scared of the world. After everything that has happened, I'm scared. I no longer wanna open myself up to people. Cause I end up getting hurt. Been acting strong and infallible when my insides are tearing up. And this whole act is catching up with me, threatening to tear apart my defenses!

The worst part of it all is my spiritual walk, or rather, I'd say crawl! I feel like I'm crawling behind God and grabbing on to the hem of His robe for dear life. And though I know that I'm still with Him, I'm NOT satisfied! Cause I know that I deserve to be holding His hand, with Him leading me. My Jesus has purchased that right for me, but here I am, arms flailing wildly trying to grab onto His ROBE! I want to run back into His arms again. But I don't know how to! I'm so tired of everything, I want to take refuge in Him! But how on earth do I do that? I don't know anymore. Lately, I find it tiring to do QT. Its like after I finish reading the devotional, I find I don't have the energy for the Word anymore! I find it a hassle to speak in tongues and prayers seem so self-centered. I'm struggling and I feel like I'm drowning in my pain!

I'm finally eating humble pie. Throwing away every last ounce of dignity and pride in me and asking for help and prayers! Cause I can't, or rather I don't know how to go on anymore!

I hate being a nothing who wants everything!

+..all cried out..+ . [4:34 PM ]
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September 05, 2004

Can't be bothered to blog about my day.

MELODY NG my dearest friend!
Thank you woman for standing by me and supporting me. And woman, THANK YOU for the slaps! I really deserved it, I wish they were harder though. I know I'm a loser, damn pathetic. And I really appreciate you sitting through my ramblings, the tears and for bothering to come downstairs and even walk with me to the bus stop! Oh and for letting me wet that shirt! Really appreciate everything you've done. Yes yes, I know. You've been slapping the truth into my face for like ages, so I thank you for not giving up on me? At a loss for words la ok woman! But the whole point is that I APPRECIATE you being there and I wanna THANK YOU from deep deep down inside my heart! You're a really great friend and I love you la ok! Will always be here if you need me, just like how you were there for me.

Ching dear!
I'm sorry dear that I wasn't there for you today the way you've always been there for me. I'm so sorry and I truly feel very bad. I sure hope you will feel better and forgive me ok? I'm SORRY! But if there's one thing I know about you, you are a very strong girl. You pick yourself up when you fall, dust yourself off and move on. And honestly, I really admire that! So girl, no matter what happens, I love you. Even though it might seem like I don't, I really love you ok! You've been great! Thank you for the care and concern!

Ter!
Hey dude! Thanks for the concern and the advices. Yes, I really don't know how to get through school without you. And I'm so glad everything's okay between the both of you. Just want you to know that I will be here for you the way you have been standing by me. It's funny how much I trust you when I haven't known you for too long. Haha. Oh wells, I sometimes think that aside from you being so ego and me so emo, we're pretty much alike la. Damn full of shit and all. Okay, outta point. THANK YOU for everything la. For picking up my calls when I'm crying like a mad woman. THANK YOU bro! Oh btw, your food for thought is really keeping me awake! :

RL!
Haha. If you're reading this, I just wanna say a big thank you for crapping with me just now. Yes yes, though you don't know the whole story. Oh and by the way, thanks for the song and lyrics. I guess I will try my option 2 again! Thanks!!

Drea!
Honey, thanks for that call. I'm running outta things to say so I guess I'm gonna end up repeating myself. Wells, I am thinking about everything that you've said and yes everything makes sense. Don't worrry about me alrights hon? I love you so much. Thank you for standing by me though you're so far away!

Ker! Bry!
Thank you guys and I'll see you guys tomorrow alrights? Love

+..all cried out..+ . [3:23 AM ]
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September 04, 2004

3am now and I'm still up fixing up the damned comp. I feel like slamming it on the table. Damn pissed off right now. Reformatted the damn shit and now I gotta add in ALL my files +sighs+

Took a long walk home from Katong. Don't ask me why. 45 mins to an hour of walking didn't really do me much good. Didn't even know I'd walked that far till I got to Siglap where it was freaking well lit and I just freaked! This can't go on! I hate this. I can't take this anymore. The tears, the pain, the hurt, the memories! I just wanna die right now

+..all cried out..+ . [2:57 AM ]
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September 03, 2004

Oh my goodness. That Nelson guy on Singapore Idol just touched me with his song man. I was like tearing! And the short interview! Yeah man, I AGREE with you, LOVE HURTS!

I, I can't read the future
But I still wanna hold you close
Right now, I need that from you
So give me the morning
Sharing another day with you
Is all I want to know

And baby I, I've tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes
Still shines, you shine like an angel
A spirit that won't let me go

Yups, thats the song he sang! Sweet! I'm cracking up at the beng looking guy with the weird hair (Sylvester Sim). He's killing one of the best songs ever written! +dies+ This show's turning me into a bigger critic than I already am.

Oh my! I think Christopher Michael Lee is H-O-T-T! He's so damn cute +faints+ And I absolutely love that song! Man, for once, I'm gonna be an idiot and blow my phone bill. Just for more eye candy! +grins+ And Ker, Chris's cuter than Nathaniel. Haha. Nathaniel's PRETTY cute but I think Christopher's cuter! Haha. Wow! Daphne's voice is amazing!! Okay off to vote for Christopher NOW! Shit, that stupid song is still running around in my mind. Damn! It's such a touching song :\

+..all cried out..+ . [9:09 AM ]
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September 01, 2004

Spinning: Goodbye To You - Michelle Branch

Hahah. Yes, listen to it a few more times and maybe I'll start believing it. Seesh. This whole psych thing ain't working, ain't working at all. Bah. And now, I'm doing like tons of things, forcing myself to get over it all! :\ I don't know if it's gonna work but I'm trying and have been trying for 4 months now. God save me!

Bowled with Ching today. Should spend more time bowling, got through 3 and a half games (about 2 hours?) without thinking of it all. Great achievement I must say. But whether or not I'm gonna start bowling competitively again, I'll leave it to Daddy to lead me.

Praise God man!! I passed stats though I don't even know what chapter one's all about and I did pretty well for cip which I totally have no clue about. Talk about favour! I mean it has to be God, seeing I know nuts about these 2 modules. And I'm getting back econs paper tomorrow, God can make me pass, cause only He can!
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

-

Passerby: Thanks for the concern! I will try my best

Sha: Heya dearie. I sure hope I have that strength. Thanks for tagging babe. And we so gotta meet up like real SOON ok!? Missing you girls so much (you, mirah, wl) *love

Ter: Yes yes, I know la. My bestest friend in school. And stop being so ego please? :\ See you in school tomorrow yes.

Bryan: Hmm. Yeah, prolly this sun or something IF you're coming for service. Either that or sat night at somewhere? I'll prolly call you soon or something. I have no idea.

Drea: Babe, thanks for the long talk. I guess I really needed the truth slapped into my face. And I'm glad to have you walking with me dearie. Btw, private blog!! A little something for ya. Did I give you the password? Cause I don't wanna reveal the site here. It's the blogger one btw. Lost the password for DLand :\ Take care hon

+..all cried out..+ . [11:15 PM ]
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