.//cheryl-ann-
the beautiful disaster, hopelessly and recklessly needing the boy. giving this her all, the last semblance of trust left within. this is imperfection perfected, in her heart

[[she drowns in her dreams. an exquisite extreme, she knows. she's as damned as she seems, and more heaven than a heart could hold
she's soft to the touch. but frayed at the end, she breaks. she's never enough, and still she's more than one can take]]




.escapism
benji ching<3 daph epicurean marcus koh mel tan nana song xia yanqi eddie hui min junz michelle peiying sam terence* weihui annabelle anthony asher ashley belinda dunstan grace jingyi nikki adeline<3 ashley aurelia(: brian cheryl<3 cheryl ong eileen huimin izzie jamie jas<3 jia ker<3 marc mirah noven pearlyn ron rach rui sha shane theresa<3 wanling wyn yanxi val<3

.the dark room

.triggered. 051404 052504 052904 "Ride Of Our Lives" tuition peeps school Odds and Ends Canada 2004 HIStoryMakers5!! Choir :)) hangin' and chillin' sevens'05 day 1 sevens'05 day 2 May 22. 2005 Trinity Camp at Rawson St Kilda Masquerade Ball


.haunted past

May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005

September 06, 2004

Feel like such a joke. Am tired of everything that has been thrown my way.

School's been a nightmare. I really hate school. Been like 11/12 weeks? And guess what, I haven't even adapted yet. Alrights, might be me, seeing I'm in school an average of 2 days a week +sighs+ Can't find it in me to go to school and act like I so love it and go through all the lectures and tutorials. It's seriously a damn waste of time in my opinion seeing I'm not even interested in what I'm doing and am probably gonna do something else with my life. So congratulations to me, 3 years of my life down the drain! I really hate living my life based on people's decisions. On what is the RIGHT thing to do, of having to meet people's expectations of me. Tell me, what is the right thing? We have these preconcived notions of whats the right thing and whats the wrong thing. And apparently, the right thing to do now is finish the 3 years of crap in poly just for that stupid piece of paper that ain't even enough to get me anywhere. And then what? Continue with the right thing, do the same shit in uni (assuming I do get in) and live my whole life in regret cause I had to fulfill my dad's wishes? Cause he never had the chance to do what he wanted to -- banking and hence, made me do it? Yes, I disappointed him when I was younger cause I ended up in CCHS instead of RG or MG. But guess what, his daughter is just stupid! Not smart like him. I'm sorry he was smart but granpa didn't have money for him to continue his education. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sorry that I didn't get his smart genes! Does that give him the damn right to place all his hopes on me (instead of my brother cause that guy's a total good for nothing) and make me do what he wants me to do?! Does he hafta rub it in everytime we talk, or rather quarrel about this? He's forever bringing up the fact that I didn't make it! Yes, its my damn fault but I still have a chance, and he's just holding back this chance for me.

Feel like everything I had with him was just a dream and that somehow along the way, someone woke me up! And I'm left nursing the after effects! Came across someone's blog just now. And I kinda agree with that person. What if he was some trash talking beng with those flashy phones and listened to techno crap and dressed bad! Would I be pining still?? (Like I said, WHAT IF!) The thing about it is that he was everything I ever wanted, smart, talented, good-looking (fine! to me ok!), good sense of humour, loving, blah blah blah and most importantly, GOD-LOVING! Everything that I could ever dream of, or even dream of asking. And I have to let go of that dream guy! Even right now, he's got so much going on for him and I'm nothing and I have nothing! Right from the start, I guess I was deceiving myself. Who was I kidding, I could never have measured up to him. Guess he does deserve someone so much better than me. So now, I just hafta learn to let go!

Relationships with people have been so superficial. Besides the close friends who I can lean on and cry on, everyone else I've been pretty much ignoring as best as I can. I don't wanna get out of that safety zone, I'm scared of the world. After everything that has happened, I'm scared. I no longer wanna open myself up to people. Cause I end up getting hurt. Been acting strong and infallible when my insides are tearing up. And this whole act is catching up with me, threatening to tear apart my defenses!

The worst part of it all is my spiritual walk, or rather, I'd say crawl! I feel like I'm crawling behind God and grabbing on to the hem of His robe for dear life. And though I know that I'm still with Him, I'm NOT satisfied! Cause I know that I deserve to be holding His hand, with Him leading me. My Jesus has purchased that right for me, but here I am, arms flailing wildly trying to grab onto His ROBE! I want to run back into His arms again. But I don't know how to! I'm so tired of everything, I want to take refuge in Him! But how on earth do I do that? I don't know anymore. Lately, I find it tiring to do QT. Its like after I finish reading the devotional, I find I don't have the energy for the Word anymore! I find it a hassle to speak in tongues and prayers seem so self-centered. I'm struggling and I feel like I'm drowning in my pain!

I'm finally eating humble pie. Throwing away every last ounce of dignity and pride in me and asking for help and prayers! Cause I can't, or rather I don't know how to go on anymore!


I hate being a nothing who wants everything!



+..all cried out..+ . [4:34 PM