`the beautiful disaster

April 29, 2005

To whom it may concern, Thank you (:

by Awfully Chocolate never tasted any sweeter (:

;the lover i don't have to love

I only wish that *you were here to see me finally smile. And that it were *you I was walking out with, sharing that pint of

in the scorching heat. I miss *you

-playing waiting for you - straylight run

+..all cried out..+ . [12:50 AM ]
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April 28, 2005

It kills me that a freaking retarded imbecile (ie, me) has the audacity to attempt to finish a two year syllabus in two months. Granted I've skimmed through a substantial amount of stuff. Infelicitously, skimming through isn't enough, as I realized when I tried reviewing my work. That, coupled with distraction in the form of Nersesian's stuff that arrived at my doorstep this afternoon (which I got ordered off Amazon) doesn't help a single bit. Dear Lord, please give me more brain cells to absorb information, and the strength to put down those stunning works.

Had a talk with MelW about university while trying to re-cram my head with information. Again it kills that she has pretty much decided what she wants to major in. (Make that her and everybody else who is planning on entering a university within the next 3-5 years or so.) Doesn't help that the subject combination that I'm about to take opens me up to essentially every major/degree available, provided I meet the prerequisites. Stuck in between the arts and sciences is virtually like getting caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. And I know I'll never ever go into commerce. So where on earth does that leave me?

Again, I don't know why I'm pushing myself so hard. Dear God, please grant me the grace to stop aiming for the sky. I've disappointed my dad and I honestly don't think the folks are placing much hopes on me (besides the fact that they want me to graduate with a degree in any damn course), I feel I owe to someone (I don't know who though) to excel this time round. Dear God, please stop me from having these paranoidal hallucinations - no one is expecting anything from me. Why on earth do I then push myself. I suspect a certain reason which I don't care to mention here, at the risk of sounding more and more like a complete fcukwit!

Doesn't help that I just found something I wrote to *you wedged between *your textbook, which is still at my place (if *you've been wondering and actually read this, now *you know). And remember, if *you ever feel loved or needed (like right now), *you're one of the lucky ones.

-playing the perfect ending - straylight run

+..all cried out..+ . [12:58 AM ]
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April 27, 2005

I'm supposed to be asleep right now. But I can't help but think of *you. It just hit me that I can continue living in denial, and it still wouldn't change a thing. It's ephemeral relief I know but I don't know what else to do. I hate to admit this, but since I've been asked. As much as I'm a bottomless pit of needs, that's how much ~~I love *you~~. And the day *you find an end to my needs is the end of that love. God, this sounds nauseatingly schmaltzy and I know *you won't give a fly, so I'm just going to stop rambling and attempt to sleep since I've apparently released my bottled up feelings into cyberspace -cringes-

On another note, I don't know whether to hope what I'm feeling is just limerence. I want it to be, so it makes things easier for myself, yet I want what I'm feeling to be real. Then again, I can't say it's completely limerence cause I'm hardly excited about it now, am I?

-shuffling

More Adventurous - Rilo Kiley

+..all cried out..+ . [3:23 AM ]
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April 26, 2005

Depressed? Disconsolate? Melancholic? Lugubrious? If the environment has an effect on your moods and feelings then move to Texas! If this article is anything to go by, depressives should move to Texas! Okay, so I'm bored and I'm bored and I'm bored!

To further prove that, I've updated my 2005 dead list

-playing sometimes love just ain't enough - patty smith

+..all cried out..+ . [11:29 PM ]
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April 24, 2005

Val hon, it was a blast today (or rather yesterday)! Hugs. And I'm looking forward to Kingdom of Heaven, Happy and maybe more Why Not when you get back (: Love you sweets.

Why Not was nice (: I'm not used to the music but I'd definitely be going more often. I'm loving the crowd there. Hott eye candy. Yang and Benji, I'm so sorry for having to leave early. Have to wake up. Oh and Benji, that Justin guy's mine. Lol

It's absurd how the things you shouldn't be doing helps puts things into perspective. I've said it so many times before, as much as *you matter to me, I should go on living my life. And after Why Not and the movie with Val (Guess Who), I realized the kind of life that I will be living (and with time, will want to) is the kind of life that *you would never be living. It's virtually impossible to juxtapose the two different worlds *we're going to be living in. Am I looking forward to the shambles that lay ahead of me? I don't know. What I do know is that heartaches will be a thing of the past as I turn to face the world head on with a heart completely encased. I'm certain that nothing (not even cupid's supposedly great arrow) can pierce through that shield. I'll personally see to the protection of that whatever's left of the precious organ. I will not let myself down this time around. A promise to myself that I will hold so dear to my dying day

-playing sitting, waiting, wishing - jack johnson

+..all cried out..+ . [3:44 AM ]
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April 23, 2005

It's true you never realize what you have until it's gone. Though I was cracking up at your hair (or lack thereoff) and that green thing they call a uniform, I must say I miss you. Things haven't been the same boy. I miss the fact that you're no longer a phonecall away. It was especially felt last sunday night/monday morning. The 'hello' on the other end of the line used to be so assuaging, but all it did was make it seem like you were all the way in Cali with Ker. I would never tell you this to your face boy, I'm not accustomed to telling you that I miss you and that I love you like the older brother I never had. I'll always act like the brat, the high maintainence, spoiled hoe, simply because you're the only one who would give in to me. Bryan Koh, you'll probably never read this but I miss and love you dude (: And I hate the singapore government for taking you away from me (and for making you suffer of course).

Ker hon, you have got to be the luckiest little sis (though by a mere 2 minutes which I know you're very thankful for) on earth. And thanks for sharing your brother with me, my soul sista. I'm missing you a whole load too. And yes, I almost cried when I heard your voice. sbhf!

-playing if only - hanson

+..all cried out..+ . [4:49 PM ]
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April 20, 2005

Anyone has the book 'Friends for Idiots' or 'Friends 101'? I'm desperately in need of that, unless *you'd care to enlighten me on how many other ways there are to be friends? I'm so exhausted that the thought of being complete strangers in the crowd seems very appealing. Yes, that is how upset I am

For goodness sakes, you guys are adults! Can't you guys settle things between yourselves without getting me involved? In the first place mom, I told you not to bother with them. If they wanna set up a business, let them go ahead. Why get your esurient ass involved? You know full well how your sisters are. I refuse to let you guys drag me right into the midst of your altercation. So stop trying to get the lowdown from me. My lips are sealed, and I will not stay at home (when you are home) or go to the damn shop until you guys leave me out of this. And I'm dead serious about this.

And my dearest MelW, the decision is yours to make. No one is gonna bear the consequences of telling you what to do. This is the time to be completely and hopelessly analytical. Nothing anyone can say will sway you if the decision comes from your heart

-playing mitch hedberg live on comedy central

+..all cried out..+ . [1:32 PM ]
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April 19, 2005

I'm supposed to be asleep right now. What with the splitting headache and bad sunburn. Infelicitously, I'm being haunted by thoughts of *you. Talked to Rik, MelW and Bry (for like 10 mins), and I've basically come to a conclusion. The general talk I had with two brothers kind of helped put things into perspective. But that doesn't mean I'm not distressed.

i don't mean to drag it on, but i can't seem to let *you go

I've always stressed that denial is a very powerful coping mechanism, and it's worked extremely well for me. Granted Rik says it's only ephemeral, it beats no relief I say. Feigning emotional and mental stability takes its toll. I'm afraid I don't have enough pith to go on fighting this battle. I really hate how my mind and heart simply cannot operate in tandem. They feel like separate entities that cannot coexist. It's like when the mind works, the heart just refuses to do anything and vice versa. Which brings this down to the crunch. When the once dormant entity decides it's had enough rest, it takes over and endeavors to undo what the other has pretty much contrived. I'm just maundering along. My brain has completely lost it's ability to function.

i've tried to go on like i never knew *you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
i pray for this heart to be unbroken
but without *you all i'm going to be is incomplete

-playing incomplete - backstreet boys

+..all cried out..+ . [3:34 AM ]
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April 18, 2005

Btw, did I mention that it has been a year! And *you had to make *your presence known. Thanks alot. *You've succeeded. I thought after yesterday (which marked one year), I'd be completely in denial and not care. I guess *you've succeeded. Boosts the ego doesn't it? To have someone always stuck there for *YOU

-playing always - bon jovi (not that it means anything to *you anyways)

+..all cried out..+ . [12:43 PM ]
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I just got home. Head's spinning. MelW, you saved my butt. Thanks

All I can say about the sevens is that I should stop going. I still don't understand why Jamie did that. And I don't know what *you told her but seriously, *you expect me to be completely over *you? And Ja, don't tell me I didn't do anything about it. Cause when I did I got told to face reality. I can't handle this anymore. I got through one night without crying about it all but I can't pretend I don't care. I can't look at *you, and just be friends (friends isn't enough for me). Ironically, I want *you in my life so bad, I put on this air of indifference just so to talk to *you. It's an uphill battle ok! So what else do *you want from me? My cousin and me and two different people and if *you could only see what *your words meant to her (and what she said to me after talking to *you). *You wanna talk, tell it to my face.

I was just starting to act like I didn't give a damn (just like *you don't) but *you had to come around a ruin it all. ARGH! I can't deal with this anymore. Dadddddyyyy! Can I just leave for melbourne tonight? I want to get away from everything and everyone. Ah fcuk this. Ja, I thought I could count on you, I thought you were MY cousin. Thanks a million. But its ok, at least I know now who cares, who're the real friends I have. Thanks MelW, Rik and Bry (for replying a late night sms even though you had to be up early this morning).

-playing incomplete - backstreet boys

+..all cried out..+ . [11:50 AM ]
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April 17, 2005

and i thought this year's sevens are gonna turn things around. i apologize for the incoherent post. i'm very high (maybe drunk) and upset.

i cannot believe jamie did that. and i cannot believe *you want closure. fcuk off! what closure? *we're over aren't we? i know that very clearly. and i'm not even saying anything to *you anymore. yes, have fun and happily ever after with *your girl. and don't give me crap about friends. i tried being friends and *you were all attitude and now *you're telling my cousin *you wanna be friends? i wouldn't be talking to *you like i did if we weren't friends. i would be finding ways to get close to you for goodness sakes. i can't believe this. i know *we're over. i'm just not over *you. there is a difference. and i'm sorry if i'm not smart enough to make it to acjc. it's my fault *we fell apart. no one's hating *you. so stop trying to be nice to "make up" for anything. be nice because *you want to.

and my mom is a complete pain. woman, if you've got problems with your sister, don't get me involved. don't make me skip a party cause you're upset. wtf! i don't give. i'm sneaking out after my shower. even if it's for an hour. i'm not missing that english bloke who took my blue band, making me promise to go to indochine. so yes, i'm off now. and don't *you wonder why i've changed. i'm no longer the naive girl who believes that love lasts forever!

-playing class 95

+..all cried out..+ . [11:26 PM ]
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April 15, 2005

I wanna blog but I have no idea where to begin so I ripped this off friendster.

1. are you serious when it comes to relationships?
` i used to be until i realized relationships are just a game and since i play to win, i guess you could say i'm serious about winning

2. are you afraid of commitments?
` no. and i absolutely abhor commitment phobes

3. are you a risk taker?
` i used to be irrational and thought with my heart. but experiences have taught me to be practical so i suppose i take calculated risks

4. what can you say about long distance relationships?
` pointless. enough said

5. can you love a person who doesn't love you?
` i can but i don't want to

6. do actions speak louder than words?
` duh! words are meaningless

7. have you felt/found true love?
` earth calling!! it doesn't exist (in the human form at least)

8. how can you feel that a person loves you?
` i'm numb. anyways, i don't think love exists. people get together to gain from each other. the way i see it, it's a business transaction

9. are you good in handling relationships?
` i suck at playing games yet i try so hard to win

10. willing to give everything?
` i would have. but i realized you can give everything and have the person push it all away. so what on earth is the point

11. best thing you've learned from loving?
` that all you can ever get from love is a love song

12. do you demand your loved one to change into someone else?
` i have lost the ability to love an imperfect person perfectly. besides, choose your opponent before you get into the game. choose the person you're gonna have the business transaction with and make sure he/she can give all that you need and desire. open your eyes

13. would you let go of someone you love?
` i don't and i won't. people throw me aside. nothing i can do about that

14. are you a one-woman man & vice versa type of person?
` what's the point of monogamy? the playing field is large. strive to win and annihilate everyone else.

15. is getting physical important in a relationship?
` that depends on the kinda deal that was cut doesn't it

16. how do you express your love to someone?
` i don't. i can't love anymore

17. what is the major reason of a break up?
` when the other person no longer feels the same yet comes up with a myriad of excuses in a sad attempt to not "hurt" you or to be the nice guy

18. most important ingredient/s in a relationship?
` the contractual agreement

19. ever regret loving someone?
` yes *you!

20. one thing you hate about love?
` it's a game where losing isn't an option

21. one thing you like about love?
` it's a game that makes life... well life

22. are you in love?
` yes, regretting it and ironically denying the existence of love

23.can you learn to love someone whom you don't love?
` why bother when you can draw everything from him/her then split?

24.worst thing in a relationship?
` it's a transaction where it isn't an option to be at the losing end

25.will you accept someone who broke your heart?
` foolishly yes. i don't hate *you. and it really doesn't matter what went wrong, i don't care. all i care about is the distance between *us. and yes i hate myself for this

-playing existentialism on prom night - straylight run

+..all cried out..+ . [9:10 PM ]
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April 14, 2005

Yes I'm back. Thanks Rach, Des, Jing, Benji for tagging (: I just got in a couple of hours ago. That was a pathetically short trip, which is apparently 4 days too long for my system. My whole system feels like it should be on life support right now. Fake ids are the greatest invention ever -grins- The clubs in Orlando are surprisingly hopping :\ Anyways, Beth, I owe you one! This summer, come down to Melbourne, rent a car and you can try sitting in a car that I drive again (yes, I did drive over there, in a jeep no less). Uh huh, illegal yes but I didn't kill anyone ((: I'm incredibly jet-lagged right now seeing I never really had time to acclimatize to the time (dammit, it was 4 days), so I'll blog later.

Ignorance is bliss! Ignorance is bliss! I seriously need to believe that. Why on earth do I go find things out only to regret and start crying all over again. Fcuk *you!

the saddest part of a broken heart, isn't the ending so much the start. the tragedy starts from the very first spark. losing your mind, for the sake of your heart

-playing let it die - feist

+..all cried out..+ . [11:10 PM ]
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April 09, 2005

I'm completely mortified right now. My mom is driving me up the wall (to think it's usually the antithesis that happens). She's seriously acting as if I'm leaving for good. For goodness gracious sakes, I'll be back this december, since she ordered me back. I don't see what's with the whole fuss about a farewell party. And it isn't like she doesn't know I totally detest those family gatherings (like weddings, funerals, major birthdays) where you meet your relatives for the first time in a whole year and everyone sits around self-aggrandizing. So maybe I'm trying to eschew the interrogation process which will definitely ensue in the event the party materializes.

I realize I should stop blogging now or I won't ever stop ranting

-listening to noven on the phone with her music in the background

+..all cried out..+ . [1:10 AM ]
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April 07, 2005

"Strut your stuff without bunching up. When even a thong won't do the trick, the disposable Anti-Panti saves a woman's day. Made of soft 100% cotton flannel, this slender circle of fabric has an adhesive back that attaches to the inside of jeans or pants and doesn't budge. Trousers with tricky, low-slung waistlines and form-fitting backsides are banished to the back of the closet no more. With the Anti-Panti, you're looking smooth and on your way. Box of 5 includes a range of fun colors and . . ." [Click]

This has got to be the most hilarious "invention" ever! I'm laughing so darn hard right now I'm hyperventilating. Where on earth do they go? I don't get this. Do they help avoid zipper-scrapage on days you go commando? I'd sure like to know who the heck came up with this, I'd like to kick him/her right in the ass! My take on this: go commando!!

-playing the mr brown show (with mr miyagi) part 1

+..all cried out..+ . [12:55 AM ]
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April 06, 2005

I'm not upset anymore that *we fell apart. I'm upset now because I realize *we didn't have love at all. It's making me wonder if I really do love *you. They say that in a relationship, love lasts only for the first 3 months. After that, it's just feelings and those feelings go on fading till it becomes a habit. I think *we started out with feelings and never really fell into a habit. And once the limerence died off, *we were left with nothing. And now I'm upset because I realize that all the 'iloveyous' coming from *you never meant a thing, yet I lapped them all up. What a fool! *We just couldn't last past the vicissitude of getting to know each other could *we?

Completely random post. I need to get a life and stop cogitating relationships and life in general.

-playing class 95

+..all cried out..+ . [11:25 AM ]
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April 05, 2005

The 2005 Dead List:
I realized that the year's fairly new yet there are so many dead people.

The Pope (Please don't tell me you don't know who he is)
Johnnie Cochran
Mitch Hedberg (I'm still NOT over his death)
Johnny Carson
Arthur Miller (Great playwright. 'The Crucible' ring anyone?)
Frank Perdue (The turkey guy)
Terry Schiavo
Barney Martin (Jerry's dad on seinfeld)
Sandra Dee (I really liked her)
Derrick Plourde (Original Ataris drummer)
Keith Knudsen (The Doobie Bros drummer)
Spencer Dryden (The Jefferson Airplane drummer)
Paul Hester (Crowded House drummer)
Hideaki Sekiguchi (Guitar Wolf bassist)
Hunter Thompson (I liked his stuff)
John Dolorean (The 'Back to the Future' car dude)
Dimebag Darrell (Pantera guitarist)
Bryan Ottoson (American Head Charge's guitarist)
Sir John Mills (One of Britain's oldest actors)
Saul Bellow (Nobel Prize-winning author)
Dale Messick (Cartoonist)
Debralee Scott (Actress in some of the "Police Academy" movies)
Prince Rainier (Prince of Monaco, husband of Grace Kelly )
Andrea Dworkin (Anti-porn feminist activist)
Maurice Hillman (Master in creating vaccines)
Marla Ruzicka (Anti-war activist)
Ruth Hussey (Actress in "Philadelphia Story")
Martin Denny (Father of music genre "Exotica")

Seems like a bad year for dummers. There's actually a whole truckload more to update but it seems kinda morbid to read up on dead people and start linking articles. I'm not that bored now so I'll update when I'm once again bored

-playing a box full of sharp objects - the used

UPDATED: April 27, 2005 @ 12.08am

+..all cried out..+ . [9:34 PM ]
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April 04, 2005

Just read this. I know I'm pretty independant, as compared to some people I know. I love shopping alone. I would watch a movie alone (yes I would and I have done so without any sense of awkardness), I'd chill out at cafes with a book and my fix alone. Heck, I've even gone for church service alone. BUT one thing I've never been able to do is to eat out alone. Even when I was in Canada shopping and walking around alone while my cousins, aunt and uncle were working or schooling, I'd put off eating (till I got back) so I wouldn't have to eat alone. I'm such a wuss. Tomorrow! I'm gonna have lunch alone, in a public place.
[edit] I've more I'd like to say, but I can't seem to put my thoughts into words right now. Back to chem and the wonderful world of equations. And yes, I'm still eating alone tomorrow! [/edit]

-playing russell peters and pablo francisco at their standup routine (dvd)

+..all cried out..+ . [10:47 PM ]
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April 03, 2005

I realized yesterday that it's been too long since I last conversed with God. I was watching the OC (so what's new) and I just started bawling when I saw Summer and Seth work out their differences. I just wanted to cry out to anyone and anything, I was repressing all my emotions, in a futile attempt at disengaging them from myself. Out of despair, I just cried to God. Somewhere during that time, He reminded me again that I'm His, His precious daughter. It's somewhat assuaging. I'm not gonna prevaricate in an attempt to appear all spiritual. I shall admit that after that intimacy with Him, I still feel decrepit and completely worthless. It's times like these that I wonder what it would take for me to snap out of this state of whatever this is (yes, I can't even begin to explain this). But whatever this is, I'm not gonna let it (once again) estrange me from my Father and BestFriend! Like what Pastor said, "Rest and if God doesn't come through, FINE." Yes, I'm just gonna spend time imbibing His love, and if that doesn't help, FINE. It just means that I'm programmed like that, doesn't it? I'm too spent to try extirpating whatever's consuming me from the inside. If God doesn't do it, then no one can. Why should I even bother then.

Strangely enough, I'm not lugubrious at all about leaving. I despise myself so much sometimes. I know I can't handle certain truths yet I persist until I find out the truth. And now, the truth comes around and slaps me right in the face. Yes, I can't deal with it. Ignorance is bliss. I know and understand that totally. But I foolishly probe around till I unearth the painful truth. And because I propel myself completely (mentally, emotionally and physically) into finding out the the truth that's been hidden from me, I find it so raw that it hurts so much! This time, I'm walking away. And I pray that by walking away, something good will come out of it. Whatever happens, I believe that God is for me. As I've said before, it doesn't matter how much I care and love *you, *you have her and that's all that matters to *you. I'm just but something inconsequential in *your life! Hurts to know, but the pain's sort of obtunded.

how many times have *you told me, *you love her? as many times as i wanted to tell *you the truth. how long have i stood here beside *you? i lived through *you and *you looked through me

-playing solitude - evanescence

+..all cried out..+ . [10:57 PM ]
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April 01, 2005

I cannot believe this. Sure, people do die but Mitch Hedberg!!! This might be hard to believe, but he's actually helped me get through some shit the past year or two. It's sad. I feel weird quoting him now! I'm not over it yet. Completely unsettling [Click]

-playing smallville season 3 on dvd

+..all cried out..+ . [10:28 PM ]
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It's times like these I just wanna smack myself right on the head and scream. I'm not supposed to love *you, not supposed to care. Not supposed to want *you right here next to me. Not supposed. But why do I still? It's frustrating to keep forcing myself to swoon and think every other guy is cute or hot or whatever else, hoping that *you're not all that I think *you are. Equally frustrating trying to convince myself I don't care about *you anymore. I don't even know what these tears are for. I wish they would purge everything that I feel right now. But instead, I'm drowning in them. I'm trying so hard to disengage myself from emotions. I want to be completely devoid of feelings and emotions so I wouldn't have to care about *you anymore. I'm just not sure of anything anymore. Just yesterday, I felt the pain had obtunded but I woke up this morning to antipodean feelings.

I wish time would just accelerate, and become May 30. Maybe then I wouldn't have to think of *you. When the verity that all I should think of for the next few years of my life, is burying myself in work, hits me right in the face. Perhaps that's just how I'm programmed to be. To always go through the cycle of making a myriad of mistakes then having them come back and kick me right where it hurts. Rik said something a few days back to me. That I'm never satisfied with what I have. There's always this sense of wanting more, of knowing that there's more out there for me. In others, it works well. It pushes them to do more, to strive for what they want. In me, it's simply deleterious! So now, what on earth can I do, what else can I say but let me go home!

I'm attempting to actually write well. I realized my english has retrograded over the past year. With three quarters of my language punctuated with singlish and the other one quarter, broken chinese. Then again, I might just be letting my depression affect that ability I once had to write. I really want to be able to be like before, where I'd be able to pick up a pen, and words (in proper english) would just flow. I miss sitting around, letting my mind wander, and see those random thoughts alchemize into writings. I really need to be the old me, the geek, the loser. At least then being happy wasn't a major achievement. I've divagated from what I set out to blog. I hope this is a sign that I'm getting back into the flow of writing again

-shuffling absintheglow (self titled)

+..all cried out..+ . [1:59 AM ]
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