`the beautiful disaster

January 31, 2005

To music that evokes pain.
Blunt and rusty blades give you scratches.
Pathetic

+..all cried out..+ . [11:57 PM ]
0 comments

So I'm listening to Class 95 and typing this. The song (Anytime You Need A Friend - Mariah Carey) that's playing right now is making me cry. What could have been. This exact day, a year! I really shouldn't be alone right now. I'm rattling on and I'm not myself. I wanna call just to say I still miss *you but I shouldn't. This is as good as killing me, seriously. Physical pain's my only escape right now!!

Anytime you need a friend
I will be here
You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely
Love will make it alright

If you just believe in me
I will love you endlessly
Take my hand
Take me into your heart
I'll be there forever baby
I won't let go
I'll never let go

+..all cried out..+ . [9:39 PM ]
0 comments

January 30, 2005

Strange how the very song *he used to dislike is the very song that describes what I feel for *him now. So apt. I sometimes hate how things have a certain way of coming a whole circle to kick you right in your ass!

Other news,

has won the Australian Open. Read if you're interested.

+..all cried out..+ . [10:36 PM ]
0 comments

January 29, 2005

Strong abhorrence for a certain group of people, but GRACE GRACE! Let not my heart be troubled and walk in grace!!! But seriously, if you're gonna look at me differently, then don't bother going "I don't condemn you."

and then you go and spoil it all

by saying something stupid like

"i love you"

(gosh, some people don't get it)

+..all cried out..+ . [4:24 PM ]
0 comments

January 28, 2005

I know I said I'm anti-valentines and all things lovey dovey this year. But whoever loves me, I want this!!!!!!!! I'mma love you forever if you get me this. Lol

+..all cried out..+ . [2:24 PM ]
0 comments

January 27, 2005

Last night was a blast. Music min party. Really fun! And I'm never gonna dress up as Amy Lee in a skirt anymore. The skirt was all over the place :\ And my tiara was threatening to fall off. Haha. Btw, I've to thank Fanny for "vandalizing" my face. Lol. Anyways, my stupid camera chose to die on me yesterday so my pics are all over everyone's camera. I got 2 polaroids though, thanks to Jeffri (or is it Jeffrie)! Okay, everyone who has pics, send me!!!!! Oh oh oh!! I was like telling God "hey Daddy, let me win something since I'm like your favored one. Doesn't really matter what, just kinda like show me how favored I am." And I actually got some sports voucher thing, Praise God! Which I eventually passed to a dear brother since I've got absolutely no use for it :) And to Ash and Kevin (I think), who got the keyboard and drum set, don't forget me -big smile- Ok, they probably won't read this anyways.

Oh I was on the phone with my favourite boy last night (Ker, you'd know who. I'mma update you on the convo in a bit.) Crazy boy! But I had fun :) And Mr Carroll, I've taken the liberty of changing my pic by the side. Hahah. So much for helping me to "vandalize" my face -whacks- And BryanKoh, I looked good ok. Refer to Gracie's comment ;)

+..all cried out..+ . [1:24 PM ]
0 comments

January 26, 2005

when *you walked away

*you didn't hear me say

please baby don't go

and i'm still on my knees, crying out for lost love

+..all cried out..+ . [1:33 AM ]
0 comments

January 24, 2005

I knew I shouldn't have thrown out ALL my Hot Topic stuff. Darn! And there's no way I can fly over or get someone to send stuff over by Wed -sobs- Ker and Kel, you guys are gonna have to call me asap when you see this and figure out a way.

+..all cried out..+ . [9:03 PM ]
0 comments

January 23, 2005

Singapore Victory Campaign

It's Confirmed!

The Singapore Victory Campaign is back on and scheduled for February 24 - 26, 2005. So be there as the island of Singapore is transformed into a sanctuary of worship and praise.

February 24 - 26, 2004

+..all cried out..+ . [9:57 PM ]
0 comments

January 22, 2005

Since the hot topic with me's currently relationships and whether true love exists, WHY do most people lack the gull to breakup in person? I think people should be forced to see the consequences of their decisions. Otherwise they'd be inclined to ignore or avoid them. Seriously, doing it over the phone isn't gonna cut it. And the most chickenshit thing to do is to breakup with someone via text. And no, I didn't get dumped lately. I just don't get it. Hiding behind a phone or computer isn't gonna make the other person hurt less than when you do it on the phone. So spending all that time together coupled with the constant professions of "iloveyous" aren't enough for you to pluck up some balls and do it in person? Seesh

+..all cried out..+ . [2:54 PM ]
0 comments

January 19, 2005

Watched the premiere episode of american idol season 4 on starworld, it was the auditioning from Washington DC. The only one who impressed me was a music teacher named Anwar who sang "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life" and sounded almost exactly like Stevie Wonder.

That black dude was sooooo annoying "THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROWWWWWWWWW!" Oh just shoot me! Like SHUT UP! And that blonde girl, she was HORRIBLE and heard voices(?)!! She was so insane.

+..all cried out..+ . [6:10 PM ]
0 comments

It's times like these when the hurt just enshrouds you. You feel you can't ever break free. And I hate it when that happens. It keeps me up. It eats away at my consciousness, driving me insane. Then I start writing, start rambling and break down.
Just when I've an early class the next day

+..all cried out..+ . [3:00 AM ]
0 comments

January 17, 2005

Been thinking alot lately. About tons of stuff (okay, this might not be surprising to some people).

I find it so sad that some people spend their whole lives in that endless pursuit of degrees, high-paying jobs and the likes. I'm not saying that it isn't important. But my point is that THAT ISN'T ALL THERE IS TO LIFE! I just read a blog of an acquaintance studying overseas. And it's saddening that she has so much passion for the arts yet, she's considering dropping out and doing something more "commercialized" (business). All because she's WORRIED about her future. Again, this worry thing is getting out of hand. The same goes for my dad. He's so adamant on me doing finance cause that would mean a "bright future". And the way I see it, God is my provider!! Not that piece of paper everyone is hankering after. Not the bosses that some people kiss up to, not the managers that some people sleep with in an attempt to climb the corporate ladder. And honestly, is life nothing more than the paper chase and money!? Well for students it's the paper chase and later on, the rat race. As Pastor always says, so what if you win the rat race, you end up being the best rat! Has society degenerated to that extent? That people are no more people but rats? That feelings don't matter anymore? (Ok, this might be a personal thing but I feel that people in general are more interested in success and wealth than anything else.) I wish that people could see that their trust should be in God.

It's funny how the very things that everyone around me worries about, I cast to Him. Honestly, I'm only studying whatever I'm studying now cause I have to. And I'm not worried at all. Cause I believe that He will either get me out of this course I have no desire for, or give me the grace to get through it. This is seriously one area that I'm really nonchalant about. And the fact that I see alot of people worried and stressed about it saddens me. I pray for them. I do

Okay, there's more I wanna type. But it could get depressing so I shall save it :)) Jesus rocks my world! He never fails to amaze me. I'm amazed at how patient He really is. Though I fall and fail countless of times, He ALWAYS picks me up! Every single time. Never once has He left me there to rot and die. Thank You Jesus!!

I'm happy today :)) Carefree, relaxed and cool. Resting in the ark :)) Ker is a big fat irritating woman! She just got the powerbook I wanted :'( And we're now in the process of copying the 33 cds we bought today from MJ. We bought 33 cds for 150 bucks. Mega sale :)) All old cds though. I got almost all of springsteen and dylan's albums :) So now the Kohs are in my room, bugging the crap out of me while they argue about I have no idea what. Haha. Alrights, I shall be off now. Gotta open the dumb gate for Edgar. Yay!! We're gonna have a mini slumber tonight. I have no idea how I'm going to school tomorrow. But it's alright. It's worth it cause it's one of the last nights I'm gonna be spending with my sista!! I love that woman to pieces

[edit] I really need to stop cabbing everywhere :\ Seriously, comfort should give me some shares or something man, considering the amount I've "invested" in them :'( But singapore is too HOT to walk. I need my license. Daddy, can you make time pass quickly? Haha. I wanna turn 18 so I can drive! [/edit]

+..all cried out..+ . [8:46 PM ]
0 comments

January 16, 2005

Tell me which girl wouldn't go crazy over Jude Law? He is gorgeous and he's a great actor to boot. Man, I loved his monologue at the end of Alfie. Haha, I actually have no idea what I'm saying. I just wanted to blog so I could post his pics :))

faints

omg!

From "Cold Mountain" and the premier of "Closer"

Alright, I need to go breathe now. Here's some eye candy for the guys in the form of Sienna Miller :)) See, I'm always so nice. I always think of my guy friends who have good taste in women. Lol

[edit] Yes fine, it's MY fault ok? Seesh. You're 20 this year for goodness sakes. Stop acting like 14 year-old boy. I don't even wanna get started on that :\ WHY do you always have to piss me off when I'm feeling happy? Is my happiness such a threat to you? Ah whatever. Not gonna bother about you!! I shall LET NOT MY HEART BE TROUBLED cause Jesus said so. [/edit]

+..all cried out..+ . [9:58 PM ]
0 comments

January 15, 2005

I'm officially a convert. Now, to get rid of this laptop and get my powerbook. And I want the mini mac! I can't decide between this and this and almost all of this. Argh, I wish I didn't complain about my stupid dcam. Now it's dead. As in COMPLETELY DEAD! I'm stuck without a dcam and I feel weird :\ I wanna get a new one but my dad will kill me! So I either have to pay for it or look for the warranty card which I have no idea where I threw -faints- Whatever!

Btw Benji, it's not FBB. It's FRB for me. Haha. Shall explain to you the next time I see you :)) AND go listen to "I'd Rather" by Luthor Vandross!! So niceeeeeeeeee -grins- Live the Alfie lifestyle man! NSA! Lols. Love ya my male bitch. Haha.

+..all cried out..+ . [11:46 PM ]
0 comments

January 13, 2005

i turn to Him - LOVE. yet there's a certain emptiness. a certain pain that's embedded so deep inside.

--some chattering sub rosa. it's bugging me. and it isn't even supposed to--

+..all cried out..+ . [10:53 PM ]
0 comments

Kelly Alicia Lim Qing Yi, ILOVEYOU so much! Call me when you see this. I miss you already :'( Have fun in UCSD! Btw aren't you proud of me? I wasn't reduced to a crying mess like everyone was betting on. Lols

NigelM called me!! I miss you soooo much! Okay, maybe not you, but I miss how you'd stare at me and try holding back your laughter cause I'm bawling my eyes out. When you'd say or do something so sweet, I'd burst into tears cause I wish it were *him instead of you. I miss having you hold me and telling me that everything would be fine and that you love me even though I'm such a loser. Haha okay you're ego's inflating. But remember I'm only feeding it cause you're sweet, boy :)) Stop making me cry. You being so sweet, makes me wish more. Haha. Thanks honey! -kisses-

+..all cried out..+ . [2:19 PM ]
0 comments

January 10, 2005

We gotta rush out to Dan's place to get ready for the party tonight. BUT!!! It's raining -faints- Alrights, we're supposed to be there at 3 but I'm still blogging. Haha, WHATEVER! So tonight's Ker and Kel's farewell party -sobs- Kel's leaving this thurs and Ker next week :'( But it's okay, we will remain sisters FOREVER! We weren't born sisters, but God made us sisters by heart and in Christ :)) I love you girls! And I know that we will never ever stop loving each other cause we're bound by the love of Christ :)

Mel just sent me some pics of this year's AC orientation. She's been going on about it since she got into AC. Yes Mel, have fun in AC. It's an awesome place. Crazy woman keeps trying to spot *someone. Haha. You better not be asking around or I'll bite you. Lol. But whatever you do, remember to live the let go life. Everything's been accomplished. Don't stress yourself out babe! *loves

Looking at all the pictures and sensing her enthusiasm(sp?), a tinge of regret flows through me. WHY on earth did I think I was able to make it by my own efforts? Why didn't I just let go and let God work? Oh stupid pride got in the way. And now, I'm regretting everything :'( But it's okay, I'll forget what's behind me and look straight ahead. And Daddy will guide me :)

I'm starting to like this tangibility(?). I could get used to it. I just don't wanna put any emotions into this. Get it? Things are great the way they are and let's just keep it like that. Don't complicate the relationship. On another note, I love the LSPers. They never fail to make me smile. And with all that edrama going on, I'm being kept entertained. Haha. I love my life now. The nonchalant life. Really. I don't care about anything, I have fun and I have fun with Jesus! :) I wouldn't trade this for anything. Though the circumstances look so crappy, I will shout as though the walls that entrap me have fallen down. All possible because a man hung on a cross 2000 years ago, FOR ME! Thank You for the cross Jesus!

imissthat*someone

+..all cried out..+ . [3:20 PM ]
0 comments

I'm so tired now. Gonna sleep in awhile. Just need to vent for a bit. I feel so frustrated now. There's like stuff inside. I don't even know what it is. I need to let stuff out. I hope it's blessings though. Just let me do something. I don't even mind doing manual labour like setting up all the ropes and stuff when people queue for services. Just let me do something to occupy myself. I don't wanna think. Haha

People, pray for me ok. I've been feeling very faint recently. And the fainty(?) feeling has been surfacing very frequently lately :\ I don't know if I should go to the doctor. Cause I'll probably freak out if they say the slightest thing is wrong with me. Oh wells

+..all cried out..+ . [1:51 AM ]
0 comments

January 08, 2005

It was raining on the way home and the bus took forever to come. And impatient me got pretty upset. While waiting, it was raining. And I was just listening to christian songs and looking at the rain. I walked closer to the side of the bus stop and felt the rain on my face. I was just standing there enjoying the coolness of the air. (Okay, that sounded damn dramatic) Then I heard this, "just like the rain that's falling on your face, I wanna shower My blessings on you" :)) Felt a sweet calm after that. So I just stood there for about half an hour enjoying His presence. And I totally got why the bus took forever when I got home. Cause it just stopped raining. Amazing isn't it? Even the small things like not getting drenched, He takes care off. Oh and I gotta add this, the battery meter on my iPod was showing nothing. Meaning the battery should've died like long before I turned on that thing. But guess what, by the grace of God, it played for about 75-80 mins until I got home. Praise God :))

Watched Jerry Macguire again today for the 5742938234924390 millionth time :)) So nice. I'm hooked. And I absolutely love the Springsteen song, Secret Garden :) I don't know about you but I think it's up there with the likes of When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless In Seattle :) That's just me, a sucker for all things romantic and fluffy :))

I don't know what I'm blogging for actually. Just need to do something while transferring songs into my iPod. If I ever lose my iPod, I'll go crazy. Honestly :\ So while wasting my time, I'm gonna ramble on about JERRY MACGUIRE!! :) I love the part where she goes "I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is ". So sweet, I was bawling my eyes out when she said that. Partly because I kinda feel the same way about *him :\ Haha. I shall shut up. Leaving you with a quote from one of my favourite scenes.

Jerry Macguire : I won't let you get rid of me. I love you, you complete me!

Dorothy : Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at "hello."

this was taken yesterday

this was this morning before i ran off to school :\ i look weird there but just look at the hair please. lols

+..all cried out..+ . [1:18 AM ]
0 comments

January 06, 2005

I wanted to blog this afternoon, BUT I was too tired :\ Okay, so here's the promised update.

I CHOPPED MY HAIR TODAY! I seriously chopped it. I shall post the pictures ONLY tomorrow. I wanna scare my classmates first. Haha. Went with Ker and my emo babybro! Then I went off with him to buy some stuff for Kel and Ker's going away gift -faints- He is HORRIBLE at making stuff please. I just told him to glue some stuff and he made a GREAT mess. But nonetheless, we had fun. Rather, I had fun laughing at him.

Okay, here's what I really wanted to blog about. Was feeling depressed and opressed the past week or two (duh!) Felt like it's a morose existence. But Praise God. I had a few wonderful sharing sessions the past few days. Sharing during choir yesterday was AMAZING. It started off pretty bad. I didn't feel anything during worship and all. But once sharing started, I felt a flow. I can't really explain it. Dang, I wanted to type a whole load of stuff, but somehow, I can't :\ Anyways, I just wanna say that I'm fine. I'm alright now! To those who showed me so much care, concern and LOVE, I appreciate it and I LOVE YOU guys!! :) It's really amazing how God can really change your circumstances overnight, in just ONE stroke. He lifted me up from my depression just overnight. Or rather, the moment I opened my heart to Him and just received His promises, I felt peace flow :)

People have told me that I know stuff. Okay, I'm not saying that I know alot. I mean, people have said that I know the grace message and all, but most of them say that I don't believe. I guess I didn't. And to have 2 of my leaders say that in 2 days, I feel that God is telling me the same thing. And like what Han said, start by trusting Him in the small things. Wendy said that too yesterday. And I'm starting all over again. To have that child-like faith. To trust Him for the smallest things and guess what, I felt so at peace today :)

We had a very refreshing sermon today during BS. And I'm gonna walk the rest of 2005 with nonchalance. I don't care anymore! My Daddy God is good and that's all that matters. All I have to do is guard my heart, even from legitimate cares. Just let go and let Daddy! That's my mantra for this year and the years to come man. One thing I wanna say before I shut up. On tuesday, Han said that maybe one reason I love choir so much's cause the more mature people there take care of like a lil sis. And that sometimes I should grow up. But the way I see it, it's a blessing :) Those real close to me would know how I always yearned for older siblings yeah? Well, God has blessed me with an ABUNDANT of older siblings. Okay, to those of you reading this, MATURE siblings and I just wanna say that you guys are a BLESSING to me. I love you :)) So beloved brothers and sisters, let's press on with nonchalance and a fire for Him :)) -hugs all-

Okay, you can sleep now. I don't even know if anyone got to the end. Lols. Goodnight world

-replies- (long overdue I know, so sorry)

Dunstan- AHAB!! Lols. Thanks for the encouragement and for showing care :)) You're a very annointed and precious brother. And I pray that God will use you so much more for His glory :) See ya around bro

Sha- Hey dearie!! Thank you sooo much. I miss you like crazy babe. We gotta hang out soon yeah *loves

Ashley- Hey babe :) Yup, I'm feeling better now. Praise God :) Though we don't know each other very well, I believe that God placed you in my life for a reason. And I believe that our friendship will grow stronger and stronger with time :) I'm so excited that this is the end times. I wanna go homeeeeeeeee! Lols

Jing- Woman!! Yes you are a woman. Or rather, officially gonna be one soon :) Thanks for sharing so much with me and for being there :) You're a blessing. And I really see that you're so favored :) Continue growing girl :)

Gracie- You found me! :) You're a beloved sister too dearie. Thanks :) I really enjoy talking to you. You're so cute la please. Lols. And AMEN to that :) See you soon babe -hugs-

+..all cried out..+ . [11:23 PM ]
0 comments

January 03, 2005

Ker came over today. Decided I didn't wanna stay home. Ended up at her place with my LST. Long long talk. I don't know. I never felt so vulnerable. I don't even see why I bothered pouring my heart out when they're gonna be leaving soon. The people I love so much always leave me. ALWAYS! One left me for student council. Shit I hate that word! Now others are leaving me for school and NS. Great!

I wish I actually died in the tsunami. I wish I were there in Sri Lanka, Phuket or Indonesia. Maybe then people would know I actually once existed. Maybe then God would have seen that He had a daughter He somehow overlooked? I sound so bitter now. I AM! No one notices when they hurt you with their little acts of nonchalance and indifference.

I miss those times when I always felt God. When I was just so full of Joy and His shalom. What happened to that person? I see everyone around me, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, all so full of Joy and so blessed. Then I see myself drifting further and further from God. It's true. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. So damn bloody weak. And what can I do. I feel like I'm talking to myself when I'm praying. He doesn't seem to be answering me. Sometimes I wish He wouldn't be such a gentleman. I wish He'd just be harsh with me and whack the senses into me. I wish He wouldn't be so patient with me and just scream at me. To wake me up with the harshes and coldest of words. I don't even know whether or not to be thankful that He's so patient and loving

all that i've got to pull me through is memories of *you

(am i really pulling through or am i thinking that i'm pulling through?)

memories of *you - yellowcard

+..all cried out..+ . [10:52 PM ]
0 comments

January 02, 2005

Powerful Word today. But somehow there wasn't any flow. I'm really going through a very dry season and I'm so tired now. I never felt anything during service. Even during worship. It felt like I was going through the motions. Like yeah, now open your mouth, sing and raise your hands in worship :\ Then right before altar call, Pastor said "let him/her go". I am so sure it was God. It wasn't Pastor, it was God! I know it was. The moment the words left his mouth, tears flowed. And damn, it hurts. It hurts to know I'm holding on to something that will never be. Ah I don't know anything right now. I just have this bad feeling about the new year. And no matter what anyone says, it's so hard for me to expect great things from God right now. I see everyone around me doing great. I see God working in them, moulding them to be great men and women of God. I see my friends leaving to pursue their future and I know it is possible only by God's grace. Then I see myself. I look at myself and see a choked up girl forgotten by the world. I sometimes feel like I'm the leftover for God to bless. Like after all His blessed sons and daughters, He sees me out in the cold and pities me. SOMETIMES! I need constant REassurance from Him. And past all the reassurances, I seek something tangible. A love that is tangible. I feel like even though He might love me for who I am, He still isn't tangible. He isn't there to hold me when I'm crying, isn't there to physically dry my tears. I need someone there for me. What in the world is wrong with me?

+..all cried out..+ . [9:32 PM ]
0 comments

Am I the only one who just wants to sleep and never ever wake up to face 2005? Bah. I feel so detached right now and I'm spiritually starved. And I started of 2005 with tears. BooHoo! Is that how the rest of the year's gonna be?

+..all cried out..+ . [10:48 AM ]
0 comments

January 01, 2005

So I was right, I DIDN'T have fun. Felt like shit. Was a total wreck -sighs- I don't even wanna talk about it

The new year, it marks a new beginning. Somehow it makes it all so real. That Kel, Ker, Dan and Bry are leaving me this year. With Kel and Ker leaving this month. Bry waiting for enlistment, Dan leaving in Feb :'( I don't know what I'm gonna do without them. They've played a big role in my life the past year and I don't want that geographical distance.

I'm feeling really emotional right now. And I'm freaking out at the slightest things. I just started crying cause my dad turned off the modem while I was online. Kill me now someone. This is supposed to be a great year. But I started of the first day of the year a wreck. Congratulations Cheryl, the rest of the year's gonna be like that.

Anyways, to those who took care of me last night - Daph, Yang, Benji, Jia, THANK YOU! And I'm so sorry for ruining the night. Though I hope you guys had fun counting down. Love ya'll

I miss *him like crazy :'(

+..all cried out..+ . [7:43 PM ]
0 comments