.the dark room
.haunted past
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] July 29, 2004
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July 27, 2004
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July 25, 2004
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July 18, 2004
Still thinking of him, still missing him, still loving him. But I guess all that doesn't mean shit to him. He chose to walk away, from what we had. Going from being a part of his life to being nobody sucks. Knowing that I'm not able to tell him that I still do care and I still do love him sucks. Yes, life goes on whether or not I love him, but this life I'm living right now is so empty. It's lifeless. It's just a physical existence because I've lost what I was living for.
I toss and turn in bed
Can't get you out of my head
Even though you're so far away
I need you here with me
Oh boy, why can't you see
That I can't live without your love
When I close my eyes
I think of you
Well I wish I had you here with me
But there's nothing I can do, oh oh
Counting every day that goes by
And the tears that I cry (tears that I cry)
You don't wanna love me no more
Wish that you could hold me tonight
I'm hurting inside
Cause you don't wanna love me
Cause you don't wanna love me
Love me no more
I tried to call your phone
But you ain't been at home
I need to find out where you are
So I can make you see
That you belong with me
For me there is no other love
When I close my eyes
I think of you
I wish I had you here with me
But there's nothing I can do, oh oh
All I know is that I can't live without you
Ooh, but I wanna know
What made you feel this way
I'll be right here for you (right here for you)
And everything that you do (thing that you do)
But how can I get close to you
When you don't feel the way I do, ah hah
I guess for everything that I've said. It can only be concluded that I still am not putting God first in my life. I'm putting him first and being upset over something that isn't there anymore. Yes, like I've said before. I know all these but when it comes down to feeling it, I just can't help it. Everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself missing a part of me.
So much shit has happened these past few days. School has been a drag. I don't even know why I'm going to school. I don't wanna be there. I don't wanna spend the next 3 years of my life living what my dad wants me to live by. I don't want that kinda life. And it's this that has sparked off the many quarrels between me and my parents lately. They just don't understand that I DON'T WANNA DO BUSINESS! I DON'T WANNA LIVE MY FUTURE IN THE FINANCIAL WORLD! What's the use of spending your whole entire life in the financial world? +sighs+ This isn't gonna get me anywhere. Money isn't everything. Yes, it can never buy happiness. Cliched but true.
I don't even know why I'm typing so much here. Been writing alot lately. Half the time, I don't know what I'm writing about. Ed and Rik read some of the stuff I wrote and they kinda wanna use it as original material. I don't know. I feel they are just crap but well. My writing is getting worse. It gets worse with every new piece I write. +sighs+
Sometimes I just feel like my life is a lie. I feel like there's no reason for me to be here. I feel like even when I pray, there's no faith involved. It's become like a ritual +sighs+ Yet, God is so good, He gives me strength to get through each day. Pastor Joshua is right, if I can't see how amazing God's love is for me, He will continue showing me His love till the day I fully realize the magnitude of His love. Till then, I'm still a lost sheep, searching for comfort in the arms of my Father.
For as I have sworn
That the waters of Noah would no longer cover the earth,
So have I sworn
That I would not be angry with you, nor rebuke you.
For the mountains shall depart
And the hills be removed,
But My kindness shall not depart from you,
Nor shall my covenant of peace be removed,"
Says the Lord, who has mercy on you
(Isaiah 54: 9-10)
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July 13, 2004
Met Ching for lunch before that. Headed down to Safra YCK to get her bowling ball. Columbia (can't remember what model) Lols. She bowled a few games after that. Shite! I'm so tempted to start bowling again. But my stupid shoulder. It's bugging me right now at this point of time, and I haven't even been doing anything strenous. Stupid shoulder. Besides, IF I do start again, I hafta get new equipment =|
Anyways, THANKS dearies for spending my day with me. And thanks for brightening up today! Love you babes forever man!
Alrights, so I'veposted this before, but I still love this. Plus it didn't show up previously, apparently.
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Alrights with the tatt outta the way. All thats left is my tongue stud which I'm still deciding whether or not to get. Tons of shopping, my new lappy which I have no idea what I want, iPod mini and a new dcam. Not too long a list for my dad I hope. Lols. Yay. He's coming back tomorrow. Which means my mom isn't gonna nag me for awhile cause she'd nag at him +grins+ Oh yes, I must save money, wanna buy the church camp message cd!! I HAVE TO GET IT! Apparently its a great, strong message. And since I didn't get to go, I MUST BUY IT
Mel<< Of course it's nice. Almost 3 hours of non-stop pain please. And I can't even sleep properly. PAIN!
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July 12, 2004
Taken with my stupid phone. Looks weird here but it's clearer! :P
Taken with the digicam. Looks nicer here but its a lil blur. Thanks to my brother's wonderful photo-taking skills =|
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Gonna get my tatt done after this if possible. Have half a mind not to do my butterfly but tatt *his name. Lols
Wells. I feel so scared. I don't wanna stray from Daddy. But I feel myself drifting further and further from Him. It scares me that I might live a life without Him +sighs+ Why am I so weak? Why can't I just let everything go and rest in Him. I feel so damn pathetic right now. Shall be back in a bit. Gonna do some crap project now
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July 11, 2004
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July 09, 2004
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July 07, 2004
Had that much needed, dreaded talk with Ker. Dreaded in the sense of I know what I'm gonna hear. Well, like I said, it was much needed. Yes, I've strayed from Him, I've fallen but so what. He didn't judge me, He never will. He still loves me as His precious child. So don't gimme that holier than thou attitude and try to condemn me for what I've done. I know I've fallen, my bad. And if my Father doesn't judge me based on those sins, who are you to judge me? Check yourself before judging me. Seesh. Don't act all righteous and spiritual for goodness's sakes. We are nothing without Christ ok? So please, don't give me looks of utter disbelief. Alrights, I digress. So like I've said, that much needed talk with Ker. She's been great in her own little way that darling of mine. I guess it's true I haven't been very open about my feelings recently. I kinda just wanna guard myself from everything? Anyways, everything's fine now. Talk is cheap but GOOD! Okay, whatever I'm talking about.
Without you, where do I belong?
Without you, how can I go on?
No love but yours will ever do
Tell me how am I supposed to live my life without you?
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July 06, 2004
Skipped OB lecture today. Met Ching for windstruck! Yes, I cried again. Sheesh. Something's wrong with me. I tear to easily. My tear ducts operate well? Too well. They release tears at the slightest sweet/sad/happy/touching thing! Gosh! Ah wells
You made my day? I don't know. I guess I wasn't really thinking about you much today. Ha. I don't know. I just know that I miss you. Lols. Who am I kidding. You wouldn't know and even if you did, you wouldn't care.
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
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July 04, 2004
Pastor Prince shared a great testimonial today. I really admire the faith that guy has man. Despite just having been saved a few months back, he's encouraging everyone else who's been a believer for longer than he is. And looking at myself, I feel so pathetic. Why do I question God? Why do I let go of His hand when I feel things aren't going the way I want them to? Why can't I accept His will for me? For whatever challenges He throws our way, He wants us to turn back to Him for the strength and wisdom to overcome them and not turn to the ways of the world. We shouldn't turn to the natural cause grace is SUPERNATURAL so why try to see things in the natural? Well okay, back to the faith thing. Just looking at that guy's faith, I feel like a lousy Christian. Instead of doing what He wants me to do, I'm falling into the trap of the enemy, I'm turning to the ways of the world. Sighs. I need to grow more. I need to be stronger in Him!
Well so anyways, Spiderman 2 rocks balls man! It was quite sweet too. The romance between Peter Parker and Mary Jane :) Oh wells, I'm a sucker for this thing called romance and fluff. Lols. Alrights, so I teared a little there. Seesh. Anyone heard of people tearing during Spiderman 2??! =| Okay, FINE. So I'm an emotional basket case. But I'm a cancerian and cancerians are emotional. The basket case thing just comes with being Baba. +grins+ That according to Glenn, who like me, is an emotional basket case! Settles it
Rights. I'm upset! When everyone else has a school holiday tomorrow, poly students have got school shit. Crap. I hate poly life! On top of that!!! I'm STILL missing you! Sighs. When will I ever stop?! Grr
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July 03, 2004
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By far the worst bday of my life! All I could think of was you. Nothing else but you. Yet you don't give a shit. Why am I still hanging around waiting? I can safely say right now that I'm still waiting. Sighs. Dumbest thing ever to do but I just can't get you outta my mind.
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Xue*<< Yes we will. And your present is still on my table hon. When do you want it? Next year's bday???
Ching<< Girl, thanks so much for yesterday, for trying so hard to cheer me up. Most importantly, thanks for being there. Just having you around felt nice. I know I'm a basket case but you just know how to deal with me la right? And yes, thanks for the songs. Hahah. We gotta do it again one day. Just not too soon, my throat feels like the frigging sahara now. But meet up sometime next week for movie ya? And remember to bring tissue. Lols. Okay, enough of crapping la. I love your card and the cushion!!! +hugs+ You've been the greatest greatest friend ever dearie. And I feel so blessed to have you! :)) THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING babe. *ilu
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July 02, 2004
You fucked my life up. Fucked up my dreams. I'm left all alone here in the cold world. BUT I DON'T CARE! I still love you all the same. Only one to be blamed is ME for letting you fuck me up so bad!
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July 01, 2004
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Za my dear little cousin<< Yes, you are still little in my eyes my dear girl. Don't you dare follow in my footsteps. Always turn to God! Don't lose faith and GROW UP! Seesh, have some sense of commitment. You're in high school for goodness's sake! Yes yes, I'm nagging again. Hahah. But so did you last night online. Never knew people could nag you online. Lols. Anyways you take care and I'll catcha soon. Probably give you a loong call ok? *ilu
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