`the beautiful disaster

February 28, 2005

I remember that Mel said Beautiful Disaster by Kelly Clarkson was a song for me. But it's only today that I fully realized what she meant. Am I honestly that big a mess?

so now i'm alone, and life keeps moving on

but my destination's still unknown

will there be a time when i fall in love again

or am i just meant to walk these streets alone?

if there was just one wish i could be granted here tonight,

it would be to have *you right back by my side

(when the last teardrop falls - blaque)

-playing oscars on tv

+..all cried out..+ . [11:42 PM ]
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February 27, 2005

when a girl says i love you, she means it.

when a girl says she can't live without you, she has made up her mind that you're her future.

when a girl says "i miss you", no one in this world can miss you more than that.

(from mich's blog)

one thing's for sure, i'll never have regrets about this. because i've put myself and my heart out there for *you. it's up to *you to see what i've done. everything that i've said to *you came from my heart. everytime i said i love *you, i meant it. every single time. it's up to *you to see and believe everything for *yourself. there's only so much i can do and say. i'm standing on the ledge, about to jump.

-playing revolve - nine days

+..all cried out..+ . [1:02 AM ]
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February 25, 2005

Bry said that he isn't afraid of loneliness cause we come into this world alone and we leave alone. So all the company we have on earth are just temporal. Logical no? Food for thought

-playing myspace music

+..all cried out..+ . [1:17 PM ]
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February 24, 2005

this romeo is bleeding/but *you can't see his blood/it's nothing but some feelings/that this old dog kicked up/it's been raining since *you left me/now i'm drowning in the flood/*you see i've always been a fighter/but without *you i give up/now i can't sing a love song/like the way it's meant to be/well i guess i'm not that good anymore/but *baby that's just me

and i will love *you baby, always and i'll be there forever and a day. always i'll be there till the sun don't shine, till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme. and i know when i die *you'll be on my mind. and i'll love *you always.

now *your pictures that *you left behind/are just memories of a different life/some that made us laugh/some that made us cry/one that made you have to say good bye/what i'd give to run my fingers through *your hair/to touch *your lips/ to hold *you near/when *you say *your prayers try to understand/i've made mistakes i'm just a man

when she holds *you close, when she pulls *you near. when she says the words *you've been needing to hear, i'll wish i was her, that her words were mine, to say to *you till the end of time

well there ain't no luck in these loaded dice/but baby if *you give me just one more try/we can pack up our old dreams and our old lives/we'll find a place where the sun still shines

-playing always - bon jovi

+..all cried out..+ . [12:24 PM ]
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February 23, 2005

Omg!! I love that Joseph Murena dude on AMI! He sang Michael Bolton's 'How Am I Supposed To Live Without *You.' Aiight, his voice isn't amazing but I don't know, there's just something about him. Just the question I need answered!

I was talking to Mel about a certain someone this afternoon. And we came to the same conclusion. Some guys would just be those guys to you. Like how Bry always be that wonderful, amazing sweetheart that he is. Ed will always be the *toot* who never fails to cheer me up. Darryl will always be my favourite boy. Nigel will always be NigeyBoy to me. My babyboy would always be just that-my babyboy! And how *you'll always be the love of my life. And THAT is the problem

To everyone who tagged or smsed: THANKS everyone!! I LOVE YOU!

[edit] I lost my mouse today at the cafe in school. What an idiot! Walked out with Yingliang and I was like "Damn, where's my phone". Rummaged in my bag and found my phone. Turns out I lost the mouse not the damn phone. Shows how attached I am to my phone. HELP! I hate using the touchpad -sighs- [/edit]

-playing how am i supposed to live without *you - michael bolton

+..all cried out..+ . [9:23 PM ]
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February 18, 2005

During odd bouts of sanity, I realize my life is a total waste! It's such a waste that not even death wants it. Instead, death comes those who don't deserve it. People who deserve to live because they have so much more going for them. It's upsetting. I don't want anymore sanity or clarity. I just want escape!

-shuffling magnolia ost

+..all cried out..+ . [11:53 PM ]
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February 16, 2005

why don't we have advil here? my supply's running low and all i have with me are tylenols. dammit! i feel like such a wuss. it's never deep enough! and i keep forgetting it's down the street, not bloody across it!!! i feel like crap right now

-shuffling evanescence

+..all cried out..+ . [11:11 PM ]
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tired, sick and cranky. evolving into some faithless, evil creature from hell. every damn thing seems to be going against me. my brains feel fried and i need new blades. everything's blunt. fcukkit

get out of my mind will *you?! i'm sick and tired of waking up to thoughts of *you. of *you filling up every inch of my mind. i wanna hate *you for the effect *you have on me but i can't. i fucking can't!

GET LOST GET LOST!! every single one of you!! leave me alone. if You're not gonna help me, go away!! stop staying by me. go away!!!!

/cause *you're turning me inside out

-shuffling vonray

+..all cried out..+ . [9:38 PM ]
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February 14, 2005

Thanks Benji, Yang, Summer, Noven!! Nice bitching with you guys and great movie (: Wtf Ed??! EXTRA rose for me?? EXTRA!!? What am I, chopped liver? Seesh. Bloody ass! I'm not even gonna bother typing about today. I'm just a cynical, emotional bitch right now. And seriously, I don't give. Whatever, heading to Bry's now. Overdue mahjong session

To *you, if you do read this, Happy Valentines Day! *ilu* I doubt *you'll read this but at least I know I wished *you and told *you how I still feel. I shall sleep knowing that and deal with whatever disatisfaction I'll have with myself, tomorrow

--i'm thinking of *you/in my sleepless solitude tonight/if it's wrong to love *you then my heart just won't let me be right/cause i've drowned in *you/and i won't pull through without *you in my life
//i'd give my all, to have, just one more night with *you. i'd risk my life to feel, *your body next to mine. cause i can't go on, living in the memory of our song. i'd give my all for *your love tonight//
*baby can *you feel me/imagining i'm looking in *you eyes/i can see *you clearly/vividly emblazoned in my mind/and yet *you're so far like a distant star/i'm wishing on tonight

-playing desperate housewives on tv

+..all cried out..+ . [10:33 PM ]
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February 13, 2005

Here's to Gracie, thanks babe for your lil postcard. It brought a smile to me ((: Love ya girl -hugs-

Not looking forward to tomorrow. Not looking foward to anything /lj.com

another night all alone

another night i cry myself to sleep again

-playing my all - mariah carey

+..all cried out..+ . [11:06 PM ]
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February 12, 2005

Right, I shall clear this up :)) KER, come back now and you can have me! Hahah. As for Marc and you, can I have both?? :P WAIT, I want *you too!! Actually I want *you the most :'(

-playing hillsongs + delirious

+..all cried out..+ . [2:55 AM ]
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February 09, 2005

Today was pure madness. Stoned at my cousin's place while the rest of the relatives went out visiting :\ And now I've got a major headache. Supposed to watch Constantine but it was too hot to walk out of the house :\ Poor Ja was stuck listening to me whine and whine about how I'm missing *you. Last year seemed to pass so fast cause I had *your company on sms -sobs- And I got to play pool with *you at night -sighs- I need to do an eternal sunshine.

Another note, I got to see my absolutely hot stuff cousin, Roy, who just got married. His wife's pretty cute too. He's such a sweet guy. And I wanna get married. So nice to give out red packets. Hahah. I'm mad I know. I don't even mind not getting red packets. I wanna get married :\ To think everyone else was bugging Ja and Jo Ya to get married. Lol. And they're like 10 and 12 years older than me. Hahhaha. But then again, it's always been said that I'll be the first among the cousins to get married. TRUE! I want kids so much. I almost kidnapped my adorable baby cousin. Hahha. Another thing that made my day - KER, KEL, NIGEL and my stupid babyboy called!! /cheryl kisses all. Extra big kiss for my babyboy :P Happy now?

And baby I, I've tried to forget *you
But the light of *your eyes still shines
*You shine like an angel
A spirit that won't let me go
Won't let me go, let go of my heart

-playing ami on tv

+..all cried out..+ . [8:54 PM ]
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February 08, 2005

Have I said how much I hate cny?? Seriously I do. The red and gold's blinding my eyes. And I hate putting up with relatives I only see once a year (if there's no major wedding) asking me why I'm in poly. I hate being in poly ok. Yes, I regret not being in JC, for being so insistent on AC or CJ and nothing else. I regret ok!! Yang was right. I'm stupid. Stupid for not going to a JC even though I could've entered SR or YJ. Had to sit through the reunion dinner with everyone bugging me. My cousin was giving me a sympathetic look. THANKS ALOT! At least I had *you last year to get me through with *your sweet, assuring messages. Most importantly, I had *you last year!! ARGH! I'm feeling so ****ed right now.

Just the thought of one more day tomorrow makes me wanna die. I don't even care if I don't get any red packets. I just want them to stop rubbing it in. Like wtf am I supposed to do now? I'm stuck in a dead end course, hating it. And my dad thinks it's the best thing that ever happened to me. 3 tables of people wowing at the fact that I'm doing banking. Yea, no one told them I was flunking. And no, I refuse to pray for this. I don't wanna do well in this. In fact I don't wanna do this. And to add to all the crap, my crazy mother refuses to let me turn off the lights when I sleep. Some STUPID peranakan superstition thing. I love my peranakan roots but I think the superstitions are crap. It used to be just the hall lights, now it's ALL the lights!! -screams- Oh and she's dragging us to the temple tomorrow morning. Like wth? I'm dragging myself there only cause my grandparents' urns are there :\ And she changed my sheets, to some ugly pink sheets. It's UGLY and so rough. Must be some cheapo sheets she got from some sale -faints-

If *you ask me if I still do care, I do but I don't want to. If *you ask if I still love *you, I do but I don't want to. Simply because no matter how much I care and love *you, it's OVER. And it's NOT gonna happen again! Never ever! ****!!!

How can I forget when each face that I see
Brings back memories, of being with *you
I just can't go on living life as I do
Comparing each ~~girl~~boy to *you
Knowing they just wont do
They're not *you

-playing class 95

+..all cried out..+ . [11:03 PM ]
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February 06, 2005

Freezing room. Emo playlist. Cuddled up in bed. Tears flowing. I'm a wreck

-listening to emo playlist and my cries

+..all cried out..+ . [3:17 AM ]
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After a million years, I finally bought a chinese CD!! TWO at that. I'm so proud of myself. Got David Tao and Jay Chou :)) Nice. Met my bitch, Benjamin to shop for clothes then a movie. The Machinist which was a pathetic attempt at an arthouse film :\ My other darling bitch Yang joined us at NYDC Heeren, which sucks btw.

I'm really used to the pain. Used to crying myself to sleep and waking up with tears. Used to the feel of cold hard metal on my skin. Seriously. I'm not stressed out. I'm used to the fact that I'll never find true happiness.

-listening to david tao (the great leap 2005) and jay chou (incomparable) on random

+..all cried out..+ . [1:33 AM ]
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February 04, 2005

I'm not going out anymore. Argh! I don't wanna walk around seeing couples hand in hand. I don't wanna see couples whispering sweet nothings to each other. I don't wanna see couples, period. Yes, I'm childish but I should've been part of that. SHOULD have! And now, all hope's lost. I think I'm gonna be single till the Kingdom comes. Which means I'll die an old lonely hag.

Don't wanna live my life without *you
But I know ~~when~~ *you're gone
Like a fire needs a spark
Like a fool in the dark
Honey, I'll cry for *you

-listening to all you get from love is a love song - the carpenters
*and yes, i've realized all that i can ever get from love is a love song

+..all cried out..+ . [1:17 PM ]
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February 03, 2005

I'm falling sick again, losing my voice. Damn! I'm just feeling very very down right now. I hate this time of year. AARHHHHHHHH!! Freaked Bry out yesterday on the way to school. He was on the bus with me and we passed the stupid river hongbao place. I just started bawling my eyes out and I was inconsolable. Dammit! The stalls weren't even set up. Btw Ms Koh, I heard about the commands or orders to keep tabs on me. I don't even know how to react to that. Thankful and appreciative that you care but upset that the very person I want to care just doesn't. I haven't cried like that in ages. KERRY! COME BACK! Come back and distract me. -sobs-

*you stole my heart and that's what really hurts
-listening to the last lie i told - saves the day

+..all cried out..+ . [1:37 PM ]
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February 01, 2005

Please stop lecturing me ok sweets? PLEASE! I'm going crazy here. I hate how memories plague me. I'm so frustrated. Kerrilyn, I know you care but please. Leave it alright? I don't even know what to feel anymore. All I'm left with are blunt objects. They don't do the job well but at least the pain's satisfying enough for now. They look like scratches instead of cuts. And I realized I'm over carving names and designs. It's just mad slashing. Slow degradation of my creativity.

On a different note. I watched Elektra today with Shane. Man, was Jennifer Garner hot. The movie sucked and its only saving grace was JG in her tight red suit. Only part I liked was where she healed the little girl, Abby. I feel it's the same as us believers. We all have it within us, we have the Holy Spirit within us. We are able to touch people's lives, we are able to heal people. Through the Grace of God of course. But are we willing to believe that? Are we gonna take that step of faith and BELIEVE? Rather, do I really believe I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me?

Which brings me to this, do I believe? Like what Ash said, "it's not how immune you are to attacks, but whether you allow God to pick you back up." Am I allowing Him to pick me up or am I just whining and crying out for Him yet stubbornly am just staying put on the ground? -sighs-

-blasting "the punisher" and "garden state" soundtracks on random

+..all cried out..+ . [9:32 PM ]
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