`the beautiful disaster

March 28, 2005

The fact that I'm leaving in like 64 days hasn't really sunk in yet. It feels so surreal. And it honestly doesn't help with my mom acting like she's packing me off to some foreign land halfway around the world. The constant "please pack your room and make sure it's easy for us if we decide to move house", "make a list of everything you'd need in the apartment", "study hard and make sure you don't disappoint your dad again. he's spending alot of money on you" and whatever else is just stressing me out! All I can ever make myself do, besides breathing, is to mug and sleep. I feel derailed, thrown off the track of life!

It's strange how the people you expect would care about your imminent departure just don't. And yet those you didn't expect to bother actually do! It actually hurts to realize that those I thought I could count on just don't give a rat's ass. So much for the declaration of eternal friendship, loyalty and being there for each other. I'm probably the only one who buys words and actually lives up to my end of the promise (or rather bargain).

I really wanna tell *you that I'm leaving. Hoping and praying with all my heart that *you'll even care. I don't even dare to ask for anything more than *you caring as a friend. I don't know what else to say to *you, really. I've said all that I want to in those letters I've never sent out, those texts stored in my cell, those mails stored in my mailbox. All I can say right now, and I say it without levity, is that ILOVE*YOU!

It's exhausting having to feign exuberance, when all I'm feeling inside is vacuity. No one understands how it is to go through this. To want to kill yourself yet not have the energy and will to do that. So maybe I do have energy. The edgy, anxious type of energy that drives me to keep myself busy. To satisfy the colossal, pernicious need I have to keep my mind working. There will always be this part of my mind that goes off in tandem, as if it's made to cogitate the mess that is my life. I'm so wrecked, so unstable both mentally and emotionally, a complete disaster. I'm no longer equipped with any kind of emotional resilience. I can't stay still when the storm rages around me, can't go with the flow. Constantly wallowing in depression has left me without any perspective and I'm not sure I want that back anyway.

If only these tears were cathartic. I hardly know what I'm crying about anymore. Perhaps I'm crying over the evanescence of love, the fact that I've resigned myself to. That I'll never be loved the way I want to be, that I'll never ever be able to have someone to fill me so completely, that he fills this hole of depression. I've this desperation to take *you inside me, to fill that great hole of depression. Perhaps I'm trying to find a way of releasing the pain. Upset that the people I thought I could count on can't be counted on. I don't know anymore.

I can't go on. This has been the longest entry in a long time. And pretty vulnerable too. I simply don't give a shit anymore. If this is gonna change anyone's opinion of me, fine. It's your opinion. I'm not gonna sugar coat my messed up life to please anyone. I'm a depressive so what? I'm psychotic, so what? Neurotic, so what?

and the empty bottle it misses *you
yeah and i'm the one that it's talking to
and with *you and i just barely strangers
i'm pretty much just left the fool
damn don't the streets look empty though
just wandering here without *you

-playing to be the one - ryan adams

+..all cried out..+ . [1:08 AM ]
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March 25, 2005

I can't stop thinking of *you and it's pissing the crap out of me. I'm announcing that no matter what happens, I just wanna mug hard and do what I have to do to make sure the returns are high. And I just wake up every morning trying so hard not to cry cause *you were in my dreams. WTF are you doing, cheryl?!

heard *you've been making the rounds around here, while i've been trying to make tears disappear

(i'm ALMOST. or so i'd like to think)

-playing i'm almost over *you - lila mccann

+..all cried out..+ . [10:37 PM ]
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March 23, 2005

Yet more cds from amazon. I need to stop this. Urgh

hahaha i bought this for the heck of it.

this was the opening song in closer. where jude law and natalie portman were walking down the street. i really love this song. but i couldn't find the album so i just got the single

they are great

Also Death Cab, Zero 7 and Postal Service albums :\ The rate I'm going, my dad will kill me. Yes, I stole his credit card number. Well, not really stole, I haven't told him I was buying so many cds :\ Dead meat

-playing brand new day - forty foot echo (oth ost)

+..all cried out..+ . [10:45 PM ]
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Here I go, thinking 'bout all the things I could've done
I'm gonna need a forklift, cause all the baggage weighs a ton
I know *we've had our problems, I can't remember one
I almost forgot to say something else
And if I can't fit it in, I'll keep it all to myself
I almost wrote a song about *you today
But I tore it all up and then I threw it away
And I almost had *you but I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost had *you and I didn't even know it

Alrights, enough of being a complete basket case. "knock knock! earth calling cher" Chem beckons

-playing almost - bowling for soup

+..all cried out..+ . [12:05 AM ]
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March 21, 2005

I've to stop this excessive blogging. Amazon.com My new favourite haunt for late night insomnia induced shopping sprees. Just got these

this is awesome!

even more awesome. i'm so in love with the oc and the the music kicks some serious ass!

don't ask why. btw, i like this show cause it's a lesbo show. ahahaha

-playing the oc dvd : behind the scenes

+..all cried out..+ . [3:13 AM ]
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March 19, 2005

My dad's just ridiculously hilarious sometimes

agent: so do you guys want the room with the double or single bed?

dad: the single. she's got alot of time to get involved with guys after graduation

And I just stare in complete wonderment.

-playing the oc season 1 dvd, episode 11

+..all cried out..+ . [11:28 PM ]
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March 17, 2005

I put so much pressure and expectation on myself that I feel I'm gonna break down before I leave. This is my last chance to prove myself, I must do it. Yet being level headed hurts like mad. It hurts, I'm in excruciating pain right now. Please, will *you come and ease the pain? I suppose not, *you're too busy dancing and smiling with *your girl! And BryanKoh, thanks for reminding me again that I'd make the world's shittiest girlfriend. Damn you! Just leave me alone everyone!

*well in case *you failed to notice, in case *you failed to see. this is my heart bleeding before *you, this is me down on my knees. these foolish games are tearing me apart, and *your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
-playing foolish games - jewel

+..all cried out..+ . [11:52 PM ]
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March 13, 2005

I'm counting down. 80 days till I leave. I'm doing the right thing. I know I am. I don't need *you in my life. I don't need someone who doesn't want me. I don't. But that doesn't change the fact that I want *you in my life and that I love *you still. I need to breathe. Suffocating!

((now i will tell *you what i've done for *you. 50000 tears i've cried. screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for *you, and *you still won't hear me. going under. don't want *your hand this time, i'll save myself. maybe i'll wake up for once, wake up for once. not tormented daily, defeated by *you. just when i thought i'd reach the bottom. i'm dying again. i'm going under, drowning in *you. i'm falling forever, i've got to break through. i'm going under))

-playing going under - evanescence

+..all cried out..+ . [1:40 AM ]
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March 10, 2005

I hate how those dreams of *you and the memories are stopping me from leaving. Just this morning I woke up, called Ker and said I didn't wanna go anymore. But those are just dreams, just memories. *We're over, have been over for ages. For the one time in my life, I shall be PRACTICAL, be REALISTIC. Just like how *you always told me to be. This is the one time I'm gonna show the world, and myself that there is sanity left in me.

Reality has slapped me right in the face. Cold, hard bitch that reality. I owe my folks way too much. I need to be fine. I need to make it! This is my last chance to prove myself. That I'm not as stupid as I think I am, that I'm not a parasite on earth. I owe it to my parents to come back and succeed as a doctor or a psychiatrist! I owe that much to them. They've invested (in their own words) too much in me and I need to do my part to make sure the rate of returns are high!!

I NEED TO BE FINE! I will go to Melbourne. I will study and do my best. I will continue to trust God for His goodness and that He will not fail me though I'm such a horrible person. I will miss *you and think of *you. I will still love *you. But that's all. I will not let the pain stop me from doing my typical-chinese-need-to-save-face folks proud!! So really, it doesn't matter how much I miss *you, think of *you and love *you! *You don't care! I just need to keep reminding myself

*but it's not so bad, *you're only the best i ever had. *you don't want me back, *you're just the best i ever had
-playing the best i ever had - vertical horizon

+..all cried out..+ . [5:04 PM ]
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March 09, 2005

I was just scribbling in my notebook that I'm deeply loved by Jesus. And I heard Him sing to me "Nothing's gonna change my love for you" So nice right! Haha I'm high, drowned in His goodness ((:

-playing nothing's gonna change my love for you - glenn medeiros

+..all cried out..+ . [11:37 AM ]
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March 08, 2005

I wanna tell *you, but it doesn't matter does it? *You smile at her, she at *you. And that leaves me out. So yes, I should go and remain there. Far away from *you and *your girl. Yesterday, he said the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in ages. But words are just words. What we have is too special, people would kill for this. Ironically, we save each other's asses. Something *you'll never do for me, and I'll never have the chance to do for *you. And no, I'm not in love with him, neither is he with me. We're just good friends (and a little more).

One last crazy, stupid, sweet (whichever way *you choose to see it) thing I've done for *you. Maybe I'll never have the guts to pass it to *you. Maybe I will risk having it shoved right back in my face. Just maybe

*for once in my life the future is mine, it's calling me. i've been searching so long for an answer, but it's too late now. so I'm takin' my chances

-playing i'll cry for *you - europe

+..all cried out..+ . [10:53 PM ]
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him: what would i do when you're gone
me: call me *winks*
him: yeah and pay how much?
me: aren't i worth it?
him: you're right

*you and he. worlds apart. but maybe i seek perfection, and *you're almost perfect (if humans could be perfect, *you'd be). he's my favourite boy. *you? i can't even begin to describe all that *you are to me

-playing so cold - breaking benjamin

+..all cried out..+ . [12:11 PM ]
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March 07, 2005

-parkconnector.shadeycorner.***s.myveryownjerk.favoriteboy-

"iloveyoubabe, thanks for everything" *big cheesy grin*

he appreciates me, *you don't. he cares for me, *you don't. he takes care of me, *you don't. he misses me, *you don't. So why am i so hung up on *you? I pray distance is proportionate to how much I care for *you

*without you, can't stop the hurt inside
-playing when love and hate collide - def leppard

+..all cried out..+ . [8:52 PM ]
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March 05, 2005

-cml-lookey.bababoy.ex-ascian.rugger.sweet.eyeseyeseyes-
Yes Ker, I saw him again today. Turns out he's my mom's aunt's son. I'm completely mortified. But it's eyecandy once again

-playing a sorta fairytale - tori amos

+..all cried out..+ . [6:10 PM ]
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I was on A&F and FCUK's websites and I saw some gorgeous shirts for guys. Volunteer boyfriend anyone? I need to shop for a guy and I should stop spoiling Bry

*long lost words whisper slowly to me, still can't find what keeps me here
-playing haunted - evanescence

+..all cried out..+ . [12:06 AM ]
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March 03, 2005

a big step to walk away from *you. ineluctable! confirmed only by a sight that sent my heart for yet another round of pulverization

my love for *you still grows, this i do for *you. before i try to fight the truth my final time
-playing understanding - evanescence

+..all cried out..+ . [9:37 PM ]
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Some things don't have to be said but most things have to. What would make *you listen?

i'm sleeping with the ghost of *you and me
-playing ghost of *you and me - bbmak

+..all cried out..+ . [12:39 AM ]
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March 01, 2005

I wrote two songs today after like a million years. I don't feel like I used to feel when I finished writing a song. Instead I feel so inept. Words used to flow so easily but now my writings seem so retarded. It lacks a certain sagaciousness and depth.

*trying to stop this paroxysm of tears

-playing love songs on class 95

+..all cried out..+ . [11:18 PM ]
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