.//cheryl-ann-
the beautiful disaster, hopelessly and recklessly needing the boy. giving this her all, the last semblance of trust left within. this is imperfection perfected, in her heart

[[she drowns in her dreams. an exquisite extreme, she knows. she's as damned as she seems, and more heaven than a heart could hold
she's soft to the touch. but frayed at the end, she breaks. she's never enough, and still she's more than one can take]]




.escapism
benji ching<3 daph epicurean marcus koh mel tan nana song xia yanqi eddie hui min junz michelle peiying sam terence* weihui annabelle anthony asher ashley belinda dunstan grace jingyi nikki adeline<3 ashley aurelia(: brian cheryl<3 cheryl ong eileen huimin izzie jamie jas<3 jia ker<3 marc mirah noven pearlyn ron rach rui sha shane theresa<3 wanling wyn yanxi val<3

.the dark room

.triggered. 051404 052504 052904 "Ride Of Our Lives" tuition peeps school Odds and Ends Canada 2004 HIStoryMakers5!! Choir :)) hangin' and chillin' sevens'05 day 1 sevens'05 day 2 May 22. 2005 Trinity Camp at Rawson St Kilda Masquerade Ball


.haunted past

May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005

March 28, 2005

The fact that I'm leaving in like 64 days hasn't really sunk in yet. It feels so surreal. And it honestly doesn't help with my mom acting like she's packing me off to some foreign land halfway around the world. The constant "please pack your room and make sure it's easy for us if we decide to move house", "make a list of everything you'd need in the apartment", "study hard and make sure you don't disappoint your dad again. he's spending alot of money on you" and whatever else is just stressing me out! All I can ever make myself do, besides breathing, is to mug and sleep. I feel derailed, thrown off the track of life!

It's strange how the people you expect would care about your imminent departure just don't. And yet those you didn't expect to bother actually do! It actually hurts to realize that those I thought I could count on just don't give a rat's ass. So much for the declaration of eternal friendship, loyalty and being there for each other. I'm probably the only one who buys words and actually lives up to my end of the promise (or rather bargain).

I really wanna tell *you that I'm leaving. Hoping and praying with all my heart that *you'll even care. I don't even dare to ask for anything more than *you caring as a friend. I don't know what else to say to *you, really. I've said all that I want to in those letters I've never sent out, those texts stored in my cell, those mails stored in my mailbox. All I can say right now, and I say it without levity, is that ILOVE*YOU!

It's exhausting having to feign exuberance, when all I'm feeling inside is vacuity. No one understands how it is to go through this. To want to kill yourself yet not have the energy and will to do that. So maybe I do have energy. The edgy, anxious type of energy that drives me to keep myself busy. To satisfy the colossal, pernicious need I have to keep my mind working. There will always be this part of my mind that goes off in tandem, as if it's made to cogitate the mess that is my life. I'm so wrecked, so unstable both mentally and emotionally, a complete disaster. I'm no longer equipped with any kind of emotional resilience. I can't stay still when the storm rages around me, can't go with the flow. Constantly wallowing in depression has left me without any perspective and I'm not sure I want that back anyway.

If only these tears were cathartic. I hardly know what I'm crying about anymore. Perhaps I'm crying over the evanescence of love, the fact that I've resigned myself to. That I'll never be loved the way I want to be, that I'll never ever be able to have someone to fill me so completely, that he fills this hole of depression. I've this desperation to take *you inside me, to fill that great hole of depression. Perhaps I'm trying to find a way of releasing the pain. Upset that the people I thought I could count on can't be counted on. I don't know anymore.

I can't go on. This has been the longest entry in a long time. And pretty vulnerable too. I simply don't give a shit anymore. If this is gonna change anyone's opinion of me, fine. It's your opinion. I'm not gonna sugar coat my messed up life to please anyone. I'm a depressive so what? I'm psychotic, so what? Neurotic, so what?

and the empty bottle it misses *you
yeah and i'm the one that it's talking to
and with *you and i just barely strangers
i'm pretty much just left the fool
damn don't the streets look empty though
just wandering here without *you
-playing to be the one - ryan adams


+..all cried out..+ . [1:08 AM