.the dark room
.haunted past
+..all cried out..+ . [1:20 PM
December 07, 2004
I was kinda regretting signing up for camp and all at first. Cause my caregroup wasn't united and it was so clique-ish. And the girls were all quite cheena. So I was like complaining and whining to Jas. But I'm now so glad that I went for camp. They ministering and worship was awesome. I never felt Him so real in my life. It was almost tangible.
The first session, Deacon called for those who had broken dreams in their lives to go up front for prayer. Coach Louis prayed for a broken relationship in my life. It was amazing. I mean, a broken relationship in my life?? That's the thing that's got me down for like months. I was so overwhelmed with God's love for me. I was so emotional during Praise and worship. Though I was crying like crazy and everything, I felt so much peace in my heart. Like He was taking away the pain and hurt. After which He called for those who wanted a fresh touch from Jesus to go up. Man, it was more than the fresh touch I was searching for. Indeed God gives you more than you ask for. I mean He's the God of super abundance, His supply never runs out man! Amen :)) I can't really remember who prayed for me but I just fell under the power of God and there was really immense peace!
Second day's morning session was great too!! I was actually hesitant to go up for prayer. But as I sat there in His presence, I got more and more emotional. And I felt something pushing me to go forward. So when Deacon asked for those sitting down not to hesitate and just walk up, I went forwards. Coach Tina prayed for me. I felt the power so strong, I almost fell back. But she grabbed me and kept praying for me. She kept reassuring me that I AM Daddy's little girl. That God loves me for who I am, UNCONDITIONALLY and ETERNALLY! Then she just hugged me tight. I felt like Daddy was holding in His warm embrace. I felt so loved and treasured by Him. It was amazing, really!
M&W's meeting at night was so emotional and touching!! Pauline was sharing about family stuff. She played this secular song. And God really ministered to me. There was this part, I think it was the second verse. It was something about the father seeing his daughter come home with her boyfriend and he was jealous. And like I felt God speak to me in that still, comforting voice. He said to let Him love me first before I let any other man love me. He told me that He was jealous for my love. Cause when I was with *him, I depended on *him for love and security. I didn't lean on His love for me. Then He told me to stop blaming myself for the relationship not working out. I guess somehow inside, I kept blaming myself. Telling myself that I shouldn't have said this and that, that I shouldn't have done certain stuff and what not. I was really touched by that. It's amazing that even when ministering to those who were hurt by broken families, God still found that time to minister to my wasted heart.
Before that, Angie shared about her past and how God has really restored and turned her life around. Looking at her today, no one would've thought she'd gone through all that. And I really thank God that she shared her life. That she was so honest and vulnerable with us all. After that, I just felt I had to talk to her. And after that talk, in which she kept assuring me of His love for me, she gave me a huge hug. And I felt that God was hugging me.
He ministered to me even during the next morning's Q&A session. I had a coupla tiny revelations. Praise God!! And He was just so real. I can't even begin to explain the kinda peace I felt. And the awesome thing was that it seemed He was answering the questions privately. When the leaders answered some of the questions posed, it was like He was answering me privately inside. Praise God man!! Really all praises to Him :))
The last night's session wasn't that emotional. Thank God!! We were joking that we'd all go home blind. Lols. Everyone was like crying at every single session. Deacon was talking about how everyone has a special annointing and calling from God. So the leaders went round praying for everyone with olive oil. I felt so at peace but because I wasn't emotional at all, I thought something was wrong. Lols. I cried out to God in my heart. I told Him that I didn't believe He was lying when He said everyone had a calling. But why didn't I feel anything. Then that small still voice said "the desire is in your heart for a reason". Amen! But of course I was too busy screaming at Him to notice it. But He was so patient with me. After the third or fourth time I heard it, I was like whoa!! I don't know how to describe it. It was kinda like I was relieved? Haha. The amazing thing was that I was sharing with my caregroup girls (Jingyi and Sheryl) about that desire the night before. And almost immediately after that, Deacon called for that certain group of people!! I was so shocked. I mean, really, God works in amazing ways. The moment Angie laid hands on me, I don't think she had time to say anything, I just fell. The power of God was just so strong. I tried to resist by stepping back cause I really wanted her to finish praying for me. Hahah. But I just couldn't. But the peace I felt was amazing.
I've really never felt so peaceful in my life. Though I was very emotional, there was immense peace in my heart. I felt so loved. And for the first time, I felt someone loved me the way I am. Not because I loved him first, not because of how I treated Him, not because of what I've done for me. HE treated me good. HE died for me. HE loved me first, before I learnt to love Him!! I've really been blessed by the camp! He was so so real. It was as if I could touch the hem of His robe if I just reached out. That was how real He was to me. And I believe that He will continue to be real in my life! Cause He's always with me!! Amen :))
Though I expected more from my CG, I'm so thankful that He has touched my heart and been so real to me, that I don't really care about that disappointment anymore. I honestly expected a whole lot more from my CG. Oh wells. He is real and that's all that matters right now!! There's still so much to share but I kinda am too lazy to type it out and besides I don't know how to type it out. Haha
Yes, Jesus loves me
Loves, oh yes, Jesus loves me
For the bible tells me so
(I know I am loved) For the bible tells me so
(Feels so good to know) That I'm never alone
See sometimes lonely but never alone
For the bible tells
For the bible tells
For the bible tells me so