.//cheryl-ann-
the beautiful disaster, hopelessly and recklessly needing the boy. giving this her all, the last semblance of trust left within. this is imperfection perfected, in her heart

[[she drowns in her dreams. an exquisite extreme, she knows. she's as damned as she seems, and more heaven than a heart could hold
she's soft to the touch. but frayed at the end, she breaks. she's never enough, and still she's more than one can take]]




.escapism
benji ching<3 daph epicurean marcus koh mel tan nana song xia yanqi eddie hui min junz michelle peiying sam terence* weihui annabelle anthony asher ashley belinda dunstan grace jingyi nikki adeline<3 ashley aurelia(: brian cheryl<3 cheryl ong eileen huimin izzie jamie jas<3 jia ker<3 marc mirah noven pearlyn ron rach rui sha shane theresa<3 wanling wyn yanxi val<3

.the dark room

.triggered. 051404 052504 052904 "Ride Of Our Lives" tuition peeps school Odds and Ends Canada 2004 HIStoryMakers5!! Choir :)) hangin' and chillin' sevens'05 day 1 sevens'05 day 2 May 22. 2005 Trinity Camp at Rawson St Kilda Masquerade Ball


.haunted past

May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005

July 29, 2004

this time it's for real. It's hit me shit hard. School's an eff-ing shithole. And I'm spiralling deeper and deeper into the bottomless pit of depression. I feel so alone. Cut off from the world. I don't even feel it when I cut myself anymore. It's become such a routine these days, I just don't feel any pain. I really do feel like killing myself. It seems like my faith is getting me nowhere. Or maybe it's this lack of faith. I don't even know what I'm doing. Have got half a mind to just drop outta school tomorrow regardless of whether or not my parents agree. Sick of waking up every morning, putting on an eff-ing mask, dragging myself to a shithole.  maybe death is the solution for it all. i'm just tired. tired of everything that's going on. tired of constantly fighting with my parents cause of school, of crying my guts out everynight. of loving someone who doesn't give a fuck. i'm tired and i just wanna die. whatever

 


+..all cried out..+ . [12:37 PM ]
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July 27, 2004

Screw everything. I've been living one big fat lie. You never cared, you never did love me. I just happened to be at the right place at the right time. Why did I let myself be led into this pain. There's no one to blame but me. Why didn't I guard my heart? Why did I give that heart to you, and let you break it the way you did. Fuck you Paul. FUCK YOU! Enough of this. Quit haunting me will you? Since you meant to walk away, stay away. You walked into my life, screwed it up big time, left and screwed it up more. What more do you want from me? Why cna't you just fucking take all those memories with you and leave? Why leave the memories to haunt me every second, remind me of the pain? Yet after everything I don't hate you. Why is it no matter how much I try to hate you, I just end up loving you so much more? I can't stand this feeling anymore.


+..all cried out..+ . [9:04 PM ]
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July 25, 2004

I'm so glad that I'm sick. So happy that I feel like shit right now. Cause that means I'm gonna die soon. -rejoices- I'm sitting at my table, with my best friend named razor in hand. A bottle of pills and all thoughts of death swimming around my head. My heart's laden with all the pain inside. Just let me die, let me go home to be with my Father. I don't wanna sit around crying for you anymore, for hurting like this anymore. Let me DIE please


+..all cried out..+ . [8:29 PM ]
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Cut myself again today. And this time round, I poured alcohol on the cuts while they were still bleeding. The pain was amazingly great! Love that kinda pain, felt like my whole arm was on fire. Watching as the blood flowed out and clotted, I was crying my guts out. Why do I still love you the way that I do. I can't take this pain anymore.


+..all cried out..+ . [1:35 PM ]
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July 18, 2004

Yes, I know I haven't been blogging in a while. Just had no mood to do anything. Only highlight of the week was BayBeats yesterday. Not that the atmosphere was much good, the music was rocking though. Gonna get the cds of the bands that performed yesterday. Alrights, that was all crap. Trying to distract myself from this pain.
 
Still thinking of him, still missing him, still loving him. But I guess all that doesn't mean shit to him. He chose to walk away, from what we had. Going from being a part of his life to being nobody sucks. Knowing that I'm not able to tell him that I still do care and I still do love him sucks. Yes, life goes on whether or not I love him, but this life I'm living right now is so empty. It's lifeless. It's just a physical existence because I've lost what I was living for.


 
I toss and turn in bed
Can't get you out of my head
Even though you're so far away
I need you here with me
Oh boy, why can't you see
That I can't live without your love
When I close my eyes
I think of you
Well I wish I had you here with me
But there's nothing I can do, oh oh

Counting every day that goes by
And the tears that I cry (tears that I cry)
You don't wanna love me no more
Wish that you could hold me tonight
I'm hurting inside
Cause you don't wanna love me
Cause you don't wanna love me
Love me no more

I tried to call your phone
But you ain't been at home
I need to find out where you are
So I can make you see
That you belong with me
For me there is no other love
When I close my eyes
I think of you
I wish I had you here with me
But there's nothing I can do, oh oh

All I know is that I can't live without you
Ooh, but I wanna know
What made you feel this way
I'll be right here for you (right here for you)
And everything that you do (thing that you do)
But how can I get close to you
When you don't feel the way I do, ah hah


 
I guess for everything that I've said. It can only be concluded that I still am not putting God first in my life. I'm putting him first and being upset over something that isn't there anymore. Yes, like I've said before. I know all these but when it comes down to feeling it, I just can't help it. Everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I see myself missing a part of me.
 
So much shit has happened these past few days. School has been a drag. I don't even know why I'm going to school. I don't wanna be there. I don't wanna spend the next 3 years of my life living what my dad wants me to live by. I don't want that kinda life. And it's this that has sparked off the many quarrels between me and my parents lately. They just don't understand that I DON'T WANNA DO BUSINESS! I DON'T WANNA LIVE MY FUTURE IN THE FINANCIAL WORLD! What's the use of spending your whole entire life in the financial world? +sighs+ This isn't gonna get me anywhere. Money isn't everything. Yes, it can never buy happiness. Cliched but true.
 
I don't even know why I'm typing so much here. Been writing alot lately. Half the time, I don't know what I'm writing about. Ed and Rik read some of the stuff I wrote and they kinda wanna use it as original material. I don't know. I feel they are just crap but well. My writing is getting worse. It gets worse with every new piece I write. +sighs+
 
Sometimes I just feel like my life is a lie. I feel like there's no reason for me to be here. I feel like even when I pray, there's no faith involved. It's become like a ritual +sighs+ Yet, God is so good, He gives me strength to get through each day. Pastor Joshua is right, if I can't see how amazing God's love is for me, He will continue showing me His love till the day I fully realize the magnitude of His love. Till then, I'm still a lost sheep, searching for comfort in the arms of my Father.
 
"For this is like the waters of Noah to me;
For as I have sworn
That the waters of Noah would no longer cover the earth,
So have I sworn
That I would not be angry with you, nor rebuke you.
For the mountains shall depart
And the hills be removed,
But My kindness shall not depart from you,
Nor shall my covenant of peace be removed,"
Says the Lord, who has mercy on you
(Isaiah 54: 9-10)
 
 


+..all cried out..+ . [8:44 PM ]
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July 13, 2004

Just home awhile back. Met up with my dear Drea for dinner at Cartel near my place. Ker came along too. It was just for a lil more than an hour. But the amount of advice and hugs given in that hour was amazingly huge! That girl of mine never fails to lay it all out for me. She just reads me so well and all. Great in her own quirky way. Love her to bits. Gonna do this again a least twice before she leaves on the first. +sobs+ I'm gonna miss her like crazy

Met Ching for lunch before that. Headed down to Safra YCK to get her bowling ball. Columbia (can't remember what model) Lols. She bowled a few games after that. Shite! I'm so tempted to start bowling again. But my stupid shoulder. It's bugging me right now at this point of time, and I haven't even been doing anything strenous. Stupid shoulder. Besides, IF I do start again, I hafta get new equipment =|

Anyways, THANKS dearies for spending my day with me. And thanks for brightening up today! Love you babes forever man!




Alrights, so I'veposted this before, but I still love this. Plus it didn't show up previously, apparently.


+..all cried out..+ . [9:53 PM ]
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Not going to school today! Am bored. Gonna go out soon. Meeting Ching before meeting my dear Drea. Been so long since I've seen her. Argh. I feel so damn bad cause like she came back on the 9th and today's the 13th?! Sorry babe. School sucks!

Alrights with the tatt outta the way. All thats left is my tongue stud which I'm still deciding whether or not to get. Tons of shopping, my new lappy which I have no idea what I want, iPod mini and a new dcam. Not too long a list for my dad I hope. Lols. Yay. He's coming back tomorrow. Which means my mom isn't gonna nag me for awhile cause she'd nag at him +grins+ Oh yes, I must save money, wanna buy the church camp message cd!! I HAVE TO GET IT! Apparently its a great, strong message. And since I didn't get to go, I MUST BUY IT

Mel<< Of course it's nice. Almost 3 hours of non-stop pain please. And I can't even sleep properly. PAIN!



+..all cried out..+ . [12:30 PM ]
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July 12, 2004

Oh finally got my tatt! I was dying of pain. I can't believe I paid money to suffer. Money that could've bought me great stuff man. I don't wanna go back for touch up! PAIN!






Taken with my stupid phone. Looks weird here but it's clearer! :P






Taken with the digicam. Looks nicer here but its a lil blur. Thanks to my brother's wonderful photo-taking skills =|


+..all cried out..+ . [10:28 PM ]
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Am currently in school right now. And I just can't focus. My mind is wandering. To ALL thoughts of you! Seesh. I hate myself when I do this. This is so annoying. You said you never wanna see me hurt, did you turn away when I was hurting?I never wanted to lose you, but apparently, what I want isn't in His plan for me. I'm annoyed. Really annoyed with what I'm putting myself through. So much for not letting my heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. I've got tons more to blog. +sighs+ It seems like lately I've got a million things bugging me.

Gonna get my tatt done after this if possible. Have half a mind not to do my butterfly but tatt *his name. Lols

Wells. I feel so scared. I don't wanna stray from Daddy. But I feel myself drifting further and further from Him. It scares me that I might live a life without Him +sighs+ Why am I so weak? Why can't I just let everything go and rest in Him. I feel so damn pathetic right now. Shall be back in a bit. Gonna do some crap project now


+..all cried out..+ . [9:21 AM ]
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July 11, 2004

I can't take this pain anymore. Penetrating into my very soul. My heart is dead. I don't know how much longer this can last. I don't feel like myself anymore. Life without you is just a plain physical existence. I wanna just die right now. The pain is too much to bear


+..all cried out..+ . [8:56 PM ]
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July 09, 2004

More cuts. More tears. More pain. Don't wanna go through this anymore. Just wanna put you outta my mind for a day. Is that possible? All the love that I have for you, you'll never ever know. I know better than to let you know. Can't take it anymore


+..all cried out..+ . [1:19 PM ]
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July 07, 2004

Feeling like an dwarf amongst giants. I shouldn't be this stressed. School life is oh I don't know. Can't describe. I mean the people are nice just that I know I'm not gonna be enjoying myself much if I stay on. Kinda doing what my dad wants me to do. I really wanna go over to Aussie land. But I'm leaving all that in the hands of God!

Had that much needed, dreaded talk with Ker. Dreaded in the sense of I know what I'm gonna hear. Well, like I said, it was much needed. Yes, I've strayed from Him, I've fallen but so what. He didn't judge me, He never will. He still loves me as His precious child. So don't gimme that holier than thou attitude and try to condemn me for what I've done. I know I've fallen, my bad. And if my Father doesn't judge me based on those sins, who are you to judge me? Check yourself before judging me. Seesh. Don't act all righteous and spiritual for goodness's sakes. We are nothing without Christ ok? So please, don't give me looks of utter disbelief. Alrights, I digress. So like I've said, that much needed talk with Ker. She's been great in her own little way that darling of mine. I guess it's true I haven't been very open about my feelings recently. I kinda just wanna guard myself from everything? Anyways, everything's fine now. Talk is cheap but GOOD! Okay, whatever I'm talking about.



Without you, where do I belong?
Without you, how can I go on?
No love but yours will ever do
Tell me how am I supposed to live my life without you?


+..all cried out..+ . [10:04 PM ]
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July 06, 2004

Shagged. I'm gonna drop dead soon. Gotta start studying man. My mind is so dead. I can't even focus for more than 15 minutes during lessons, lectures or tutorials. Ching is right. WHAT IF due to some unforeseen circumstance, I can't get to go overseas after this sem/year? I'm screwed. Hence, I needa focus. Shite. That's hard!

Skipped OB lecture today. Met Ching for windstruck! Yes, I cried again. Sheesh. Something's wrong with me. I tear to easily. My tear ducts operate well? Too well. They release tears at the slightest sweet/sad/happy/touching thing! Gosh! Ah wells

You made my day? I don't know. I guess I wasn't really thinking about you much today. Ha. I don't know. I just know that I miss you. Lols. Who am I kidding. You wouldn't know and even if you did, you wouldn't care.

Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done


+..all cried out..+ . [9:41 PM ]
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July 04, 2004

Alrights. Am back from watching Spiderman 2. It rocks man! S2 kicks ass! Am blogging to pass time. Wanna watch message in the bottle. Shall start from morning.

Pastor Prince shared a great testimonial today. I really admire the faith that guy has man. Despite just having been saved a few months back, he's encouraging everyone else who's been a believer for longer than he is. And looking at myself, I feel so pathetic. Why do I question God? Why do I let go of His hand when I feel things aren't going the way I want them to? Why can't I accept His will for me? For whatever challenges He throws our way, He wants us to turn back to Him for the strength and wisdom to overcome them and not turn to the ways of the world. We shouldn't turn to the natural cause grace is SUPERNATURAL so why try to see things in the natural? Well okay, back to the faith thing. Just looking at that guy's faith, I feel like a lousy Christian. Instead of doing what He wants me to do, I'm falling into the trap of the enemy, I'm turning to the ways of the world. Sighs. I need to grow more. I need to be stronger in Him!

Well so anyways, Spiderman 2 rocks balls man! It was quite sweet too. The romance between Peter Parker and Mary Jane :) Oh wells, I'm a sucker for this thing called romance and fluff. Lols. Alrights, so I teared a little there. Seesh. Anyone heard of people tearing during Spiderman 2??! =| Okay, FINE. So I'm an emotional basket case. But I'm a cancerian and cancerians are emotional. The basket case thing just comes with being Baba. +grins+ That according to Glenn, who like me, is an emotional basket case! Settles it

Rights. I'm upset! When everyone else has a school holiday tomorrow, poly students have got school shit. Crap. I hate poly life! On top of that!!! I'm STILL missing you! Sighs. When will I ever stop?! Grr


+..all cried out..+ . [9:16 PM ]
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July 03, 2004

Why the hell am I blogging so much? Sighs. I'm not looking forward to going back to school on Monday. When the whole world has a day of holiday, poly students have school. Seesh! Oh yes great news! Talked to my parents at dinner about dropping outta poly. Since I've paid for this sem, I hafta stay on until sem ends. Then I decide if I wanna stay on here on go over to Melbourne or Sydney. Ker reckons I'm running away! Stupid woman, I'm NOT! I don't like my course. But then again, I'm leaving everything in God's hands. I will sit in silence and let Him lead me. Too tired to walk alone. I need Him!


+..all cried out..+ . [8:22 PM ]
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Just woke up with such a major hangover. I was a wreck last night. Met up with my dear girl Ching before heading down to Pat's to meet Ja and Glenn. Drinks were on them so I just sat around drinking like crazy. Which led to puking, more drinking and fagging, more puking, tears, hugs and more drinks. And I finally got home in one piece. Well, apparently, I was really outta it, freaking Ja out.

By far the worst bday of my life! All I could think of was you. Nothing else but you. Yet you don't give a shit. Why am I still hanging around waiting? I can safely say right now that I'm still waiting. Sighs. Dumbest thing ever to do but I just can't get you outta my mind.

-

Xue*<< Yes we will. And your present is still on my table hon. When do you want it? Next year's bday???

Ching<< Girl, thanks so much for yesterday, for trying so hard to cheer me up. Most importantly, thanks for being there. Just having you around felt nice. I know I'm a basket case but you just know how to deal with me la right? And yes, thanks for the songs. Hahah. We gotta do it again one day. Just not too soon, my throat feels like the frigging sahara now. But meet up sometime next week for movie ya? And remember to bring tissue. Lols. Okay, enough of crapping la. I love your card and the cushion!!! +hugs+ You've been the greatest greatest friend ever dearie. And I feel so blessed to have you! :)) THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING babe. *ilu


+..all cried out..+ . [12:03 PM ]
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July 02, 2004

Thinking of calling Ching to cancel plans for tonight. No mood to go out. Just wanna rot and die. Yeah. Anyways, thanks to everyone for the calls and smses. I appreciate every single one of them.

You fucked my life up. Fucked up my dreams. I'm left all alone here in the cold world. BUT I DON'T CARE! I still love you all the same. Only one to be blamed is ME for letting you fuck me up so bad!


+..all cried out..+ . [1:24 PM ]
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July 01, 2004

I sit and watch, as cold metal contacts with my skin. Drawing warm red liquid as the blade moves. That feeling is great. As blood trickles down my arm, I stare in amazement at what a tiny blade can do. What sense of control that tiny blade can bring me


+..all cried out..+ . [9:53 PM ]
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This world is, full of hurt and pain. Everyone around me seems to be caught up in some kinda emotional struggle. Or maybe it's just me and my negativity. Talked to Za last night. Poured out my insecurities, hurt, troubles yet I don't feel a tad better. I still feel as crappy as ever.

Za my dear little cousin<< Yes, you are still little in my eyes my dear girl. Don't you dare follow in my footsteps. Always turn to God! Don't lose faith and GROW UP! Seesh, have some sense of commitment. You're in high school for goodness's sake! Yes yes, I'm nagging again. Hahah. But so did you last night online. Never knew people could nag you online. Lols. Anyways you take care and I'll catcha soon. Probably give you a loong call ok? *ilu



+..all cried out..+ . [1:06 PM ]
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